[Anonymous]

So I read my boyfriend’s email. I was logging into my account and his email was open. I could see an email from his ex girlfriend, and the subject line was something like “I will always love you too.” He had always claimed quite strongly that he hated this girl. So, I read it. It was all about how he would never care for anyone like he did for her and how he wished that he could sleep with her again. This was after we’d been together 9 months and had just moved in. Of course, I read more after this. I typed my name into the search engine for his email to see if she knew about me. There was a bunch of emails from the first four months we dated. He told her he would break up with me if she would visit him for christmas. He told her the only reason he was seeing me and not her was because she was far away. He told her I would never mean what she meant to him, he was just dating me to stave off the loneliness.
The emails to her dropped off after the four month mark but I suspect it was because she stopped writing him. I never talked to him about it because I felt immense guilt for reading his email. We also had just moved in together. I rationalized it by the fact these emails were all in the beginning of our relationship. Now after more time, he feels more strongly towards me? That’s what he says anyway. He just told me he got another email from her, and talked to her on the phone. I’m really depressed about it and it has brought back feelings of betrayal. Other than my knowledge of this, our relationship is perfect. I know that if I bring it up I risk losing him. My feeling is that he is not going to tell me the truth about it anyway. I’m sure he will find an excuse. I don’t see how it can help things for me to bring it up. He’ll know I violated his privacy, he won’t have anything new or trustworthy to add to what i already know about the situation. But it really bothers me. Should I tell him?

[Anonymous]

I read this and had to reply, because the same type of situation happened to me. I read the emails/texts of my boyfriend and found that he was still talking quite frequently to his ex. He would use the nickname he “made”for her and constantly talk about all the great memories he had of the two of them. I ignored it and let it go on thinking that, just like you, I’d have to give him up or just cause a big problem. Well, it kept up anyway, and I mentioned that he left his email up and I saw she had written him. He blew it off saying they were still just friends and that I had to just deal with that. I already knew it was more than that. I did the BEST decision I have ever made. I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that I didn’t want to share the guy I love with anyone else. There can still be emotional cheating, even if they aren’t physically hooking up. I kicked him out of my house and he went to hang out with her. That hurt like hell, but I knew it was what was best for me. He still called me when he was with her, but I never answered. After a month, he sent me a long letter of apology and told me how much he missed me and regreted what he had done. He felt comfortable with her and was scared to break out and dive in completely with someone else. We got back together on the condition that she was out of our lives for good. We are now happily married and have been so for 3 years. 🙂

Take control of the situation. If he cares about you, he’ll give her up. If he won’t give her up, you deserve better anyway because he can’t fully be devoted to you. Be Strong!!! Good Luck!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I think that this is going to bother you unless it’s out in the open — and the reason you’re not bringing it out in the open is because your side of the street is not completely clean, so to speak. Therefore, the best thing for you to do is to admit to your boyfriend that you did something wrong: you read his e-mail without his knowing, and that you know it was wrong. There’s no point in getting defensive. It’s much better to just come clean and tell him you did something that you shouldn’t have. But then after you’ve said that you need to tell him what you read and ask him what’s going on here?

I can’t imagine anything he’s going to say that is going to put your mind at ease. [b]Beentheredonethat[/b] gave you some good advice, and it’s helpful to hear her point of view. When you write that your relationship is perfect — “other than this” — you’re fooling yourself. If you’re living with a man you’ve been with for over a year and everything is fine — EXCEPT the fact that he’d dump you in a minute if he could sleep with his ex-girlfriend again — I’d say your idea of perfect is a little warped. 😕

Don’t be afraid of reality. It’s much better to know the truth — whatever it may be, now — than to build a house on a shaky foundation that will fall apart easily after you’ve invested so much in it.

Roll up your sleeves and do what you have to do to find out what your relationship with this guy you’re living with is really about.

I hope that helps — and let me know how things go.

Please join me as well on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot!) and Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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