[tango76]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a lil over a month. Our first sexual encounter the condom broke. She found out that she was pregnant two weeks ago. The Dr initially told her that she was 3 weeks pregnant. Initially she had thought it may have been her ex-boyfriend’s. They had their last sexual encounter sometime the second week of March. But when the Dr told her that she was 3 weeks she thought it was me. Anyway since it was 50/50 we decided that she should move in with me. Everything was going well she was happy with the thought that she was having my child and not her ex. Then this past Wednesday the Dr told her that she is having slow growth fetus and that she was 6 weeks. But the baby was 3 weeks behind. So now she figures it may be her ex. She is very upset when she found out the news. I was as disappointed also. I told her to get a second opinion for the time of conception/health of the baby. If the baby is unhealthy she needs to know this. But she told me no because she is already devastated and it will hurt her more if it is the same results. So I decided not to forc the issue. Now the past couple of days has been stressful. She has been crying all day long because she is not having my baby. So Thursday night she told me that she wanted to move out. Because she feels guilty about the fact that the baby is not mine. I told her she can still stay. I told her I will stick by her side regardless even if the baby is not mine. She still refused to stay. I really want her to stay because I care for her and I’m willing to support her through this process. Her close friend even told her to stay with me because I am good guy. Also, there still is a possibility that the baby may be mine. This weekend she decided to stay at her friends(the same close friend) house because she is too stressed out and need to clear her thoughts. I respected her decision and dropped her off. Before I dropped her off she did mention to me that she will try to work things out and stay here. She wants me to either pick her up either Sunday or Monday. But right now the relationship seems a little shaky. She did mentioned that she is scared that I may leave her if the baby is healthy and starts growing. Anyway, So what can I do or say to keep her here?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I don’t think you should keep her with you because you don’t know each other that well. You jumped the gun by inviting her to live with you, and she jumped the gun by agreeing — and now she’s trying to adjust her decision to live with you and move out. That’s what she should do.

You’ve only been dating for a month. That’s way too soon to move in with someone. Especially someone you don’t know well (and vice verse), and someone who may be pregnant with another man’s baby. I’m not sure how old you are, but I don’t think you’re old enough to realize that the father of the baby is going to be involved in the baby’s life, and she and her ex may decide to rekindle their relationship down the line, even if it’s just for the sake of making a family for the baby — and even if they don’t, they are going to be a sort of family together and he is going to be in the baby’s life — and hers. I know you’re trying to be kind, but in the long run, you’re not. 😳 You jumped the gun with the invitation, and now, the best thing you can do is let her follow her instincts and move out to focus on being a single parent. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone with a problem is step away when it’s not really your problem, and let them figure it out. 🙁

This is not a complicated relationship — the simple facts are that she slept with her ex-boyfriend without birth control, and then she started dating you and realized she was pregnant, after a condom broke during sex. Her doctor can tell her if there are paternity tests she can have done during the pregnancy and how safe they are, but it sounds like she’s not even ready to deal with that reality. However, when the baby is born, she can definitely have a normal paternity test done with you and the baby and if it isn’t your baby, then it’s probably her ex-boyfriend’s. And, then she can have one done with him to confirm that.

There is nothing wrong with dating her if she’s pregnant, and there is nothing wrong with dating her if she’s a single parent, but there is something very wrong with moving someone you’re dating in with you after only one month of dating because she has a problem that may or may not be yours, and which she isn’t ready, at this time, to deal with. In the end, this isn’t complicated as much as it’s disappointing. 😳

I hope that helps.

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[tango76]

I asked her to move in when we thought that she was pregnant by me. It was around the same time her and roommates were moving out of there apartment. I only suggested that because I thought that she was carrying my baby. Any other time I would not have a woman move in with me that early. I didn’t want the woman that may be pregnant by me try to look for a place when she can stay here. I do understand that we barely know each other and may have personality clashes.I have been trying to persuade her to get another test/second opinion but she refuses to do it. She told me that she is not trying to have high hopes and then get hit with disappointment again. I also suggested that she may need to consider an abortion since she is so upset about the fact that the baby may not be mine and also the complications.Not trying to push the issue because it’s up to her and it’s her body. She refuses to do that also.She was up honest with me about her past.When we first started dating she did tell me that the last person she had sex with was her ex before they had broken up. In which was around a month prior of meeting me. I did sit back and process some things that I was thinking about and what you pointed out. You have some valid points.We both like, care, and respect each other a lot. We enjoy each others company. I do respect the fact that she was honest with me by telling me the baby may not be mine. Some women may have let the guy believe it is his until either birth or DNA test. I did suggest to get a second opinion but she refuse to do it. We haven’t spoken to each other since I dropped her off Friday my time frame(South Korea). Before I dropped her off she told me that she will contact me this weekend. I have not heard from her since and I may not even try to make an attempt to contact her. Even though I really want to know how she’s doing mentally and physically.

[tango76]

I asked her to move in when we thought that she was pregnant by me. It was around the same time her and roommates were moving out of there apartment. I only suggested that because I thought that she was carrying my baby. Any other time I would not have a woman move in with me that early. I didn’t want the woman that may be pregnant by me try to look for a place when she can stay here. I do understand that we barely know each other and may have personality clashes.I have been trying to persuade her to get another test/second opinion but she refuses to do it. She told me that she is not trying to have high hopes and then get hit with disappointment again. I also suggested that she may need to consider an abortion since she is so upset about the fact that the baby may not be mine and also the complications.Not trying to push the issue because it’s up to her and it’s her body. She refuses to do that also.She was up honest with me about her past.When we first started dating she did tell me that the last person she had sex with was her ex before they had broken up. In which was around a month prior of meeting me. I did sit back and process some things that I was thinking about and what you pointed out. You have some valid points.We both like, care, and respect each other a lot. We enjoy each others company. I do respect the fact that she was honest with me by telling me the baby may not be mine. Some women may have let the guy believe it is his until either birth or DNA test. I did suggest to get a second opinion but she refuse to do it. We haven’t spoken to each other since I dropped her off Friday my time frame(South Korea). Before I dropped her off she told me that she will contact me this weekend. I have not heard from her since and I may not even try to make an attempt to contact her. Even though I really want to know how she’s doing mentally and physically.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know if you have any further questions. 😀

[tango76]

Update~ This a like a dram movie. Sorry for the long post but I wanted to provide you all the info.

Well my girl and I are no longer together. As I stated before she was very upset that there is a great chance that I may not be the father. But still not 100%. She came back on Monday but everything seemed different. She didn’t want to even talk to me the whole night. We had gotten into an argument over that. Then on Tuesday evening it was the same issue. This time it was even worse. If I would come into one room she would leave out. I decided not to even say anything. I did ask her if she was going to eat some food since the only thing she ate all day was some chips and crackers. I told her that needs to feed the baby she replied no. A couple of hours later I gave her a towel to take a shower and that’s when she told me that she was moving out. Then that’s when she told me that she was unhappy with me. I was shocked. Just last Friday and Monday she told me her feelings were still the same(cared and like me a lot). Now all of the sudden she is unhappy with me. I asked her to explain why she was unhappy but she couldn’t. We argued about that to the point that I told her that she needs to leave. I then caught myself and told her I’m not going to kick her out that late being pregnant. She didn’t care she asked me to take her to he best friend’s apartment. Come to find out that night she didn’t go there because her and her best friend are not talking anymore. All her friends stopped talking to her because how she was acting towards me.They told me she is a liar and she is bad for me.They know that I’m a good guy and I did a lot for this woman. So now they are disgusted with her. Anyway one of her closed friends called me that night and told me to mention another guys name. She told me my ex did not go to her best friends house she went to somewhere else. SHe also told me that my ex did not stay with her the whole weekend.I was shocked and disappointed. So the following morning I received multiple text from her. I responded back and told her that she needs to get her stuff out. I also called her a liar and she replied back saying she wasn’t lying about anything. She said she was trying to respect me by not telling me the real reason was because the other guy. She told me that she ran into this weekend and they exchanged numbers. I thought that was a garbage excuse. So later on that afternoon she came and picked up her stuff. We had a discussion and she tried to blame me for everything. Her losing all her friends and that I kicked her out of the house. I responded back and then I asked her why was she moving in with this guy and what does he have that I don’t have. She told me that I’m too nice and he’s an asshole but she’s just staying there until she can find her on place. I was like that doesn’t make any sense to me. I said what I had to say and it seemed like it kind of touched her. I ended up dropping her off in the neighborhood she was moving to. I said one last thing before we took her bags out. She was silent for a minute and she was about to cry. Later on that day I was receiving more intel from her ex friend. They decided to resolve their issues before they parted ways. Her ex friend told me earlier that day she asked her if she was doing the right thing. She told her it’s your decision. Her ex friend also told me that my ex was telling her that she loves this guy and he may be the father. Wow!. This guy told her ex friend that he has doubt’s that he is the father and asked her where was my ex staying on Monday, Her ex friend told him that she wasn’t at her place. She must have told him that she was staying there. He’s very suspicious about her. I can understand why. Her ex friends told me that she doesn’t know who the father is. Here is the rundown. She dated him briefly early March. They have sex. Her ex friends told me that the following week she had sex with her so-called best friend. Then a month later she has sex with me multiple times. She then finds out she’s pregnant tried to put it on the second guy so she hit him up on FB. He’s thinking he may be a father to another kid. She then tells me I may be the father and hopes I am. Stops contacting the second guy. Then after the second check up she has some doubts that the baby is mine. She is feeling down in the dumps. Then all of the sudden now she is putting the baby on the first guy. I feel bad for the dude because he works near me. I don’t want him to go through the same mess I had to endure. Several of my male friends told me I need to inform him before he starts spending all his money on this woman. Especially since he has his doubts. Anyway can you give me some advice? I hated how our relationship ended. What do I need to do to have some type of sensible communication? She blocked me from Skype and I blocked her from a text app out here in South Korea. I’m asking this just in case the baby may be mine. I don’t want to wonder around thinking I have another child out there because I need to have that relationship and he/she needs to know that he/she has a sister. Do you think I should tell the other guy? My friends think so because she is about to destroy another man’s life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Anyway can you give me some advice? [/quote]

I gave you advice, but you didn’t take it. 😳 Please re-read my last post to you on May 18 — that was the advice I still stand by.

[quote]What do I need to do to have some type of sensible communication? She blocked me from Skype and I blocked her from a text app out here in South Korea. [/quote]

Wait until you know for sure that there really is a pregnancy and that the pregnancy is yours and not someone else’s to contact her, and until then, keep your distance. The drama you’re contributing isn’t helping you and it isn’t helping her. 😉 Until you know that there is definitely a baby and it is definitely yours, you should keep your distance. That’s the sensible communication I’d advise for now. If you learn you’re a father, you can a different route, but for now, you don’t know that.

[quote]I’m asking this just in case the baby may be mine. I don’t want to wonder around thinking I have another child out there because I need to have that relationship and he/she needs to know that he/she has a sister. Do you think I should tell the other guy?[/quote]

Do NOT create even more drama by telling another man what is basically a rumor and gossip right now. 😕 With all due respect, it’s time to mind your own business and stay out of some other guy’s business. This is what I’m talking about when I say that you need to keep your side of the street clean.

[i]I know it’s upsetting to you to know that she may or may not be pregnant; she may or may not be taking care of the baby and herself; it may or may not be your baby — those are all justified reasons to feel upset, BUT…. how you behave and the way you act are under your control, and my advice is to stay put, don’t invite her to live with you, be supportive, but don’t interfere or meddle when you’re just not sure of so much….[/i] 😉

Hope that helps!

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