[angelacrk]

My boyfriend and I have dated multiple times in the past, each time ending worse than the other. I agreed to date him one more time because he really tried to get me to date him and showed a ton of interest in me and said he wanted a long relationship. For a few months it was great but soon he seemed distant and talked about how he should “care about me more than he does” because of how long we were dating. We agreed to take a break but after a night of that he said he can’t not date me. So we went on and kept dating but we fought more and more. I do not stand up for myself like I should and it’s causing him to lose respect for me. Also he expects me to fight his battles and gets mad when I don’t side with him and confront my friends about them disagreeing with him even if I do not agree with the way my boyfriend has treated them. I’m afraid to day share with him due to the potential fight and he says I do so many things wrong. He says I do not care for him I do not listen to him and I do not make an effort. I do all of these things and do all I possibly can to make him happy yet I fall short. He has many problems at home and overall does not like himself at all. When I do end up getting mad at him (this only happens when he iniciates the fight, for I try to avid fights and hold him all the things I see him do wrong) he feels attacked and gets defensive and does not listen. He then says hurtful things and says he wants to break up with me but won’t because he thinks it will make our entire friend group break up and he will be friendless. He says we would be the same dating as we would be friends. After a night of him saying this he will tell me to forget it the next day and things will be perfect for awhile. I don’t know what to do, I feel like at any moment we will have a fight. I don’t want to break up with him because I do love him and enjoy the time we have but the fighting is driving me crazy and him as well. I know I need to change but he also needs to change. He doesn’t seem to try. I feel like my frustrations are being pushed onto other people. I just don’t know what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

How long have you been dating?

[angelacrk]

We’re both 17 and I’ve been dating for 9 months.

[angelacrk]

[quote=”April Masini”]How old are you both?

How long have you been dating?[/quote]

We’re both 17, dating for 9 months

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it, thank you for that information. It helps!

It sounds like you’re both teenagers and you’re involved with a guy who’s all over the map emotionally and he’s not taking good care of you or being respectful enough of the time to make you feel good about yourself or the relationship. He’s got all kinds of motivations for his behavior that aren’t all healthy — but the most important thing is that you stay with him in spite of these uncomfortable and unhealthy relationship dynamics. You have to ask yourself what [b]you’re[/b] getting out of this that’s making [b]you[/b] stay.

I think you already know what I’m going to say. 😉 You should do what’s healthy and find someone to date who is kind, respectful and less motivated by negative emotions. If you aren’t single, you can’t find someone else. And if you choose to stay with someone who’s unhealthy, hurtful and erratic, you’re making an unhealthy and unhappy choice for yourself. The ball is in your court.

[angelacrk]

[quote=”April Masini”]Got it, thank you for that information. It helps!

It sounds like you’re both teenagers and you’re involved with a guy who’s all over the map emotionally and he’s not taking good care of you or being respectful enough of the time to make you feel good about yourself or the relationship. He’s got all kinds of motivations for his behavior that aren’t all healthy — but the most important thing is that you stay with him in spite of these uncomfortable and unhealthy relationship dynamics. You have to ask yourself what [b]you’re[/b] getting out of this that’s making [b]you[/b] stay.

I think you already know what I’m going to say. 😉 You should do what’s healthy and find someone to date who is kind, respectful and less motivated by negative emotions. If you aren’t single, you can’t find someone else. And if you choose to stay with someone who’s unhealthy, hurtful and erratic, you’re making an unhealthy and unhappy choice for yourself. The ball is in your court.[/quote]

Thank you for the advice. I just have trouble standing up for myself and I think always doing what he wants and agreeing with him has made me not be myself and whether he realizes it or not he’s lost respect for me forming to his mold.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. Guys like a woman who stands up for herself and is able to articulate her feelings. Practice makes perfect. 😉 Start practicing. You’ll get better at it, and it will become easier.

[angelacrk]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. Before the summer started he suggested talking a break because we would fight constantly and werent very happy. He said he wanted to find himself and what made him happy and see if he was miserable without me. So he suggested that the break be 3 weeks long. A day after the break started we saw eachother being miserable at the same party and he said he realized I made him happy so we called the break off and after that for two months we didn’t fight at all and it was the best it had been in months. So a few days ago us and all our friends and my sister went on a day trip. My sister and I got in an argument. we fight quite a bit. A few days later my boyfriend texts me and tells me I need to treat people better including him my sister and my mother. I treat him so well and would do anything for him so it’s not like I’m a bad gf. He also said he doesn’t know if we are meant for eachother and that I have no idea how to be social and he’s much more social and he keeps saying how he figured everything out because he went to some parties and talked to some people in college and decided he’s not going to care about anything anymore senior year and it’s up to me to fix this and I have untill the start of school to fix it or he’s going to leave me. All of this was out of no where. Many of his friends and mine hate him and they all say he doesn’t treat me well at all and with my mother and sister, we do fight but we know in the end we love eachother. Please help

[rosie]

It sounds like you’re both teenagers and you’re involved with a guy who’s all over the map emotionally and he’s not taking good care of you or being respectful enough of the time to make you feel good about yourself or the relationship. He’s got all kinds of motivations for his behavior that aren’t all healthy — but the most important thing is that you stay with him in spite of these uncomfortable and unhealthy relationship dynamics. You have to ask yourself what you’re getting out of this that’s making you stay.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry you’re upset, but you haven’t taken my advice, and you’re back in the same spot you were when you first wrote here, asking for help. 🙁 I can give you the advice, but it’s up to you to make your own choices in life, and as you know I really think this isn’t a healthy relationship for you, and I think you know it, too. 😕 But…. you’re afraid of being single. I understand that. Breaking up is painful and being single after being in a relationship can be difficult. But, if you don’t give it a try and you keep coming back to the same sort of problems, you’re eventually going to have no choice but to be single. You can be proactive and take the lead, or hang in there and he will. Either way it really doesn’t sound like the two of you are compatible. You’re more like each others’ bad habits. 😳 You’ll be a lot happier if you move on. Maybe not at first, but eventually, you will.

[Sally]

This relationship sounds exhausting, not loving. You’re walking on eggshells, shrinking yourself, trying to keep the peace, and it’s still never enough. That’s not because you’re failing. It’s because the situation is broken.

Someone who cares about you doesn’t say they should care more but don’t. They don’t make you responsible for their fights, their feelings, or their friend group. And they don’t threaten breakups just to pull you back in the next day like nothing happened.

Yeah, you could stand up for yourself more. But it’s hard to do that with someone who punishes you when you try.
Love isn’t supposed to feel like constant damage control. If you’re always scared of the next fight, that’s your answer, even if it hurts to admit it.

[Tara]

This isn’t a relationship, it’s a cycle of emotional erosion, and you’re the one being ground down. You keep calling this “love” because you’re afraid of loss, not because this is healthy or mutual. He doesn’t respect you, not because you “don’t stand up for yourself enough,” but because he benefits from you being small, compliant, and scared of conflict.

He rewrites reality so you’re always at fault, expects you to fight his battles even when he’s wrong, isolates you from your friends by demanding loyalty over integrity, and then threatens breakup whenever you assert yourself, only to reel you back in once he’s regained control. That’s manipulation, not misunderstanding.
You’re walking on eggshells, suppressing your feelings, absorbing blame that isn’t yours, and over-functioning to compensate for his inability to regulate himself.

Meanwhile, he unloads his self-loathing, family issues, and anger onto you and then punishes you for reacting like a human being. The reason you feel like you’re “always doing things wrong” is that the rules keep changing; that’s how power stays with him. And his excuse for not breaking up is fear of losing the friend group, which tells you everything: he’s staying for convenience, not love.
You don’t “need to change” to save this. You need to leave to save yourself. He has shown you repeatedly that he won’t change, won’t take accountability, and won’t create emotional safety. The brief calm after the storm isn’t proof it’s working; it’s the reset before the next explosion.

[Member]

Posts