[Anonymous]

Hi, my story is long but I will try to condense it. I was married for 30 years, which is a story of dysfunctionality in and of itself. But I am out of that relationship now and in a new one. I won’t go into the details of how we met and everything I will just get straight to the point. My new fiance, we are supposed to get married this summer, no date set yet, has a three year old daughter. I am 20 years older than her and when we are together we blend perfectly. I love her little girl dearly but we have issues and I don’t know how to deal with them. The biological father of this little girl is seriously messed up. He was married once before and his first wife left him because he was abusive. Not seriously abusive but enough to make her life miserable. My fiance left him for the same reason. He has three boys to his first wife and the one little girl with my fiance. He is severely over weight, has diabetes, and fell a few years ago so he claims to have back pain all the time. He lives on oxycotton and refuses to work. He has not been determined disabled and the state won’t give him any assistance unless the little girl is living with him so he constantly lies saying she still lives with him. Oh, I should mention that my fiance was not legally married to him they just had a common law relationship. So he wants to put on this big show that he cares about his kids to the world, but in reality when they are there he just sits in front of his computer, viewing porno most of the time, and never cooks or cleans or does anything for them. One of the boys from his first marriage is 14 so he will only take the little girl when he has the boys, and he makes the boys take care of her, including changing her diaper all the time. He does absolutely nothing for them when they are there. He only wants the little girl when he has the boys because he either can’t or won’t take care of her on his own. My fiance has this unrealistic obsession about fathers and she is adamant that he be in the little girls life.

With that said, let me tell you my problem. My fiance does not want me to correct the little girl at any time, and most of the time she is out of control. The father is constantly causing problems and stress between us. Today for example he was supposed to take the little girl, the first time in over 6 weeks, and then at the last minute this afternoon he texted my fiance telling her that he was not going to pick her up until tomorrow because he was not getting the boys until tomorrow. My fiance saw how he dealt with his first ex and she does not want to give him the pleasure of knowing that he has made her angry or ruined her plans so she just said ok no problem. But we had plans that are now in the trash. She expects me to just understand and not say anything because she worries that if he had her alone he could go into a diabetic coma and not be able to take care of her so she only wants her daughter with him when his boys are there. I am frustrated beyond words at the whole situation. The guy pays absolutely no child support, he gives no support in any way, and he is constantly telling my fiance crap like calling her a prostitute and she gets angry when he does it but in a few days she just lets it go. I wish she would just tell the guy to take a hike and not let him see the little girl until he starts paying support or something because that is never going to happen but she won’t.

So I am frustrated at her not wanting me to say anything to the little girl, even when she is out of control and hitting my fiance. I am frustrated at this guy who does whatever he can to make my fiance’s life miserable, which in turn makes my life miserable. I am frustrated that I feel like my hands are tied and that I have to do whatever she wants or have a big fight. I should tell you that I truly love her but these things are building up inside and I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t figure it out. Please help, I am at the end of my rope. Thanks,
ibcraig0

[Ask April Masini]

You’re wise to deal with this problem before you get married. In fact, you may want to consider postponing the wedding until this problem is under control — or if not under control (because blended families are rarely considered under control), until you and your fiance have a better plan in place for handling custody and child support of your soon to be step daughter. Because your fiance’s daughter is only three years old, you’re basically looking at a potential 15 year long issue — that is, this problem you’re having with your soon to be blended family can go on until the little girl is 18 and going off to college or getting a job and her own apartment, and is no longer a minor in custody of both parents. That’s a loooooong time!

The crux of the problem is your fiance, and you have to sit down with her and tell her in a way that doesn’t make her defensive, that you’re not willing to marry her unless she puts up some boundaries to protect the new family, which is you, she and the child. Once you give her your limit, then be open to brainstorming solutions with her. What you want to avoid is unproductive fighting. What you want to achieve is a channel of communication and your own very clear boundaries because this problem can break up a marriage if not tended to.

My advice to you is that your fiance is correct that her child needs to have a relationship with her own father, as well as with her soon to be stepfather, however, because of the situation you describe, you need to support her in getting a court ordered custody schedule that is more realistic than the one she has. If her ex can’t abide by the current custody order on a regular basis, then it would seem the right thing to do is change it. However, if her ex does abide by it most of the time, but is late often, or changes the schedule now and then at the last minute, unfortunately, that’s the terrain of shared custody.

As for child support, her attorney should be able to tell you very clearly why she isn’t collecting support for the child. If her ex is truly not able to work because of disabilities, there may not be any support to be collected, so go into this marriage with your eyes wide open. But if she just hasn’t been able to get support, maybe you can help her help the child by going to court and getting an order of support. But be clear with her and yourself about the legal arrangement she has for collecting child support.

Don’t let this build up so that you feel as you do now, that you’re at the end of your rope. Instead, work through the problem and find solutions. You don’t want another dysfunctional marriage, I’m quite sure! 😉

I hope this all helps — what you’re doing is complicated, but do-able — with some work and dedication. Let me know how things go — and don’t forget to join me at this link: [url][/url], on AskApril.com at Facebook! 🙂

[Anonymous]

I’m going to be REAL honest with you and you may not like it. First and foremost, please take Aprils advice because she is right. But I am going to give you something else to think about. What kind of woman would let her child go with their father if she knows he LIVES on pain medication? Regardless if there other boys are there??? This kills me. As a single mother of 2 kids ages 3 and 7, I would never let my kids go with their dad (we are divorced) when he was in an altered state or if I felt they weren’t safe emotionally or physically. We have a court order as well but I refuse to let them go even when he and his fiancé are fighting. I don’t want my kids around that.
How do you let your child behave badly? She hits her mother? Don’t you see this as an issue? As an early childhood educator, if you do not correct this behavior now, it will only get worse!!
To me, there are SO many single available people out there to date. So may good women looking for good men. I would consider having this serious sit down with her like April suggested and if it doesn’t correct itself within 6 months, I would leave. This is anyway going to be an issue but it’s an issue because your girlfriend is allowing it! Good luck.

[Ask April Masini]

[b]malk388[/b] has some really great points that I didn’t address — mostly because the poster seemed more concerned with the boundaries his fiance was lacking when it came to her daughter’s father. However, since you brought up excellent points, it’s fair to say that this fiance has boundary issues not just with her daughter’s father, but with her daughter, too.

Parenting is very difficult in a blended family and if you don’t agree with your fiance’s parenting, and she doesn’t want you to be involved in discipline or other parenting issues, you’re going to find yourself on a slippery slope. There needs to be consistent consequences for behavior that a babysitter, a stepdad or a biological parent can impose because that’s the house rule. This way the child knows what to expect and what is expected. Three years old is not too late to start imposing consequences for behavior as a way of socializing this child for other relationships she will have with friends, teachers and family.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all your advice, everyone. Here is my last question. I love her. I can see by what you have said that I am going to have constant issues over her discipline of her daughter, and her ex because he is out of control and yet she feels like he needs to be in her daughter’s life, even though I have pointed out that he constantly uses the little girl and his boys from his first marriage to hurt my fiance. He dropped the little girl off yesterday by sending her to the door with his oldest son, who he was on his way to drop off next and after my fiance hugged the boy, who she has had a very close relationship with for the past 6 years, her ex sent her a text telling her that he does not want her talking to his boys at any time for any reason, he wants her out of their lives. Basically he is trying to hurt her by denying her the chance to still see the boys, even though this will surely hurt the boys too. He has no problem using the kids to hurt my fiance, even when that use hurts the kids too. I pointed this out to her and asked her what kind of influence is he to have in her little girl’s life if he is that sick but she still thinks he should still see the little girl. So what I am saying is that I know I am going to have issues and problems at least until the little girl is 18 or her ex dies, which is possible too because of his health, but I love her and I can’t see myself just walking away. How do you fall out of love?

[Ask April Masini]

I’m not suggesting you fall out of love or leave her. I am, however, suggesting that you have choices other than being a victim, which I think is how you see yourself now.

I’ve already suggested talking to her about setting up boundaries, and I’m not sure you’ve done that. 🙁 Now, I think that you have to understand that you, too, have the option of setting up boundaries. Just because she’s in a muddle with her ex doesn’t mean you have to get involved. You can accept the mess, and find a way to laugh at it or not react to it or distance yourself from it. What will be your downfall is to go into this marriage, eyes open, as a victim. That would be your own folly. 😳

You seem overly concerned about your fiance’s behavior, and less so about your own. 😕 You have to understand that the changes have to come from YOU first and foremost if they’re going to trickle down to her at all. She may see you putting up boundaries and learn to put them up herself, by example.

You’ve mentioned a previous dysfunctional relationship. Look in the mirror and decide how YOU’RE going to change for this relationship — or any future one — to have a fighting shot.

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