[mikep1022]

I recently was dating a girl who I liked a lot. We had gone out on dates over about a 2 mos. period. The first go around we went out for about 5 dates and then she told me that she didn’t have time for a relationship and asked me to just be friends with no expectations. We’d already discussed this on our second date and I reminded her that I could not be platonic friends with her. I just told her I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her occasionally and talking from time to time, as long as she understands that I won’t be buddies with her. We started talking on the phone after that and she began to share a lot about her past relationships with me. She told me that she had nearly given up on men and had a very bad opinion of men. She also said that all of her relationships with men have been bad. However she told me that I was so different than the other guys she’s dated and she felt that I treated her very well. She shared a lot about her present concerns about her school and her job also. I just told her she could tell me anything and she started sharing with me. The only exception is that I told her that, because I had interest in her, I wasn’t open to talking with her about guys she’s currently dating or wishing to date.

I really liked her at this point but I wasn’t attempting to push things. Eventually I fell in love with her. But before then I just wanted to give her a chance to get comfortable with me. She expressed thoughts that made it clear to me that she had some reservations about sexual relationships with men, and this came out during our first round of dating when she wanted to stop making out, although at first she expressed a lot of pleasure in it. I immediately backed off and just decided to talk with her. I really liked talking with her even if we weren’t having sex or foreplay, but I knew that the desire for me was there and I let her know that but I told her that I’m not going to pressure her to do anything she doesn’t want to. I just wanted to make sure she was clear about my intentions.

After a few weeks of this she called and asked me out on a date. I agreed. We went out again, it was a great date, and we started sleeping together from that day. After about a week of going out and sleeping together at the conclusion of each date, she said to me “I really appreciate you not giving up on me” and she planned a special time for us at her place that was very pleasant to me and based on what she said and how she acted, it was a very pleasant experience for her as well.

Well after that, she tells me one day that she spent too much time with me that last week and that she needs to catch up on her studies since she has exams. I told her it’s no problem since we’d already discussed how busy she was and I had agreed that I would be willing to work around her schedule as long she was willing to explore the possibility. She thanked me for understanding. After that, I would just text her to see how she was doing. Her texts became less frequent. She then called me one day to ask what I was doing for my birthday next week. I said I wasn’t sure yet and she mentioned that she had the day off so I suggested we do something. We agreed to just watch movies at her place.

Since there was over a week between now and then, I called her 3 days before the date to confirm that she could still make it and to confirm a time. She said everything was great and that there was no way she’d miss it since she had the day off. Then at midnight before that day, she calls me. Our conversation starts off normal and she’s laughing about something that happened. But when I start to talk about what time I would come over for our planned date, she suddenly tells me that she might not be able to make it. The reasons she gave sounded unusual based upon my experiences with her and she didn’t say “I really want to see you” or “How about next weekend”.

So dropped the subject and just said “Other than your busy schedule and work, how are you feeling right now? What’s on your mind?” After all, she did call me for something. She replies that she’s just not READY for a relationship right now and that she needs me to be a friend in her life for now. She also said that she needs to love herself and take better care of herself, and that she’s doing this out of self-love. She insisted that she’s not seeing anyone else, or that she wants to. She said she wants to be by herself for now. Later, in a second conversation, she said that she doesn’t want any expectations and that she wants to become herself without the influence of another. She also told me that it took her a week to recover from the our sexual encounters, saying that she felt imbalanced and even somewhat ill as a result. She had told me before that she tends to get lost in relationships and that once she sleeps with a guy who she feels a connection with, she tends to get basically intoxicated with thoughts about sex.

What do you make of this? I doubt she would go through all of this trouble just to get laid. Am I right to believe that this a case of “damaged goods” or am I missing something?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]What do you make of this? I doubt she would go through all of this trouble just to get laid. Am I right to believe that this a case of “damaged goods” or am I missing something?[/quote]

I think she’s being very clear with you when she says she isn’t ready for a relationship. My advice is to take this message that she’s given you twice now, on face value. 😉 And if you don’t want to, then notice that her behavior is matching her language. I wouldn’t call her “damaged goods” because that’s a little mean spirited, and the truth is not everyone is each others’ cup of tea. She may have decided that you weren’t what she’s looking for and what she said was the best way she knew how to break it off with you — whether or not it was truthful, mature or appropriate, it did the trick.

Move on and chalk this off to experience. There are going to be lots of women who DO want to be with you, so veer towards them. 😀

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