[oceanRon]

I started this thread on another forum, before I realized that it was geared to a much younger crowd. After my erroneous post, I’m fairly certain that the young folks on that other forum were quite surprised to learn that folks live so long, yet alone have questions about relationships at such an age. What follows is pretty much what was in the original thread:

[i]I should start a new thread about this issue that I’m airing out into the breeze today[/i]. It likely fits in no other place. I’m sure that it’s an issue foreign to most people, and its attributes have a strange sound even to my own ears. All through my life I’ve wondered about it. My own self analysis is that I’m just a really strange sort of fellow. Beyond that, I have not much insight, even into that person I should know better than anyone (myself). I’m airing this out, not for reasons of braggerio, not to seek love, but simply to put secrets held for a lifetime outside of myself. I’m a novelist, of sorts, and am currently working on a novel that – in a sort of clandestine way – reveals part of my story.

I’m in my mid fifties – and maybe too old to think much about love. At some point, a person realizes that one has embarked upon a different sort of path. The flowers along the way are different, and the trees less familiar. In some ways, it is a more interesting time for me.

[i]So, what is the big secret, shrouded in strangeness?
[/i]
I’ve always been a rather shy individual. I’ve only ever made passes at ladies twice, both times when I was eighteen years of age. In both cases, I was told that big boyfriends were soon to arrive to rearrange my physical attributes in ways that I might not appreciate. One might think that my love life would have been a very, very staid sort of thing. Well, it was a very, very staid sort of thing, [i]but with a twist[/i].

Over the course of my life, I have been the recipient of sexually oriented gestures a few dozen times. Many of these went beyond simple gestures and were very aggresive, physical attempts to make love to me. In not an infrequent number of instances, the amorous reachings were made by people I knew only slightly. In every case, I rejected the advances. I note that I am not gay, but instead I am married. My wife and I ceased having a sexual relationship about fifteen years ago. Our marriage has been at the level of a brother/sister relationship, but a poor one, for most of that time. Prior to the complete cessation of sex, we sometimes went for as long as three years between love making sessions. It was in my opinion, a very poor sexual relationship for almost all of the thirty plus years.

Like I said, I don’t make passes. It’s just not in me. I’m too shy, I guess. But, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to stray. I Just haven’t done it. You wonder why?

Some people would say I’m either gay or crazy. Neither is the case. My problem is very strange. Very, very strange. The “opportunities” to stray happened fairly regularly right up through (almost) the present time. The last time was about a year and a half ago. What’s crazy about it, and very, very strange, is that every single one of these “opportunities” were advances made by women twenty years old (or less). There were only a couple repeats. I guess women take rejection more poorly than men.

No woman over the age of twenty has ever, ever made a sexual gesture towards me. Not a single wink, smile, or any other indication that I should attempt to pursue a relationship. Due to marital discord, I certainly have been tempted by the nineteen and twenty year olds. But, due to the ages of these women – the only ones who ever seemed open to the idea of romance, I have exhibited complete restraint (celibacy). This restraint was always for the obvious reason, but for another one as well. [i] I really care about my wife[/i]. At one time, she was the apple of my eye, and in some ways still is. Why could it be that this is the way of things for me? I must add that I’m not good looking. In some particular profiles I may seem a little opposite of that. The slowing effects are amplified as time works its inevitable way, and things don’t bother me so much as the once did. Still … I wonder … What is going on?

[Teach76]

I don’t know, but I want to applaud you for caring about your wife like that. It gives me hope that there are men out there who don’t cheat like most. Maybe you are subconsciously somehow sending vibes to keep those away who might threaten your ability to stay faithful???… I’m sorry for your situation. It sounds really sad. 😥

[oceanRon]

This was a duplicate

[oceanRon]

Thanks for the commiseration. Sometimes, the data doesn’t quite add up to the theory. I should add a bit more information to explain my own theory …

For a good part of my marriage, it was not possible to tell that I was married. No one ever believes this, but I really did lose the ring. The tan lines have long faded. It makes me laugh to hear anyone say I’m bragging about my looks. I once walked a rating line (back in the day those were all the rage), but today they are really politically incorrect! I didn’t walk through it on purpose, it just popped up among a group of twenty somethings who were having fun, I suppose. Some of the other guys (better than average) were getting 8s and 9s. I got a 2, some 4s, and a 5. Really, the rating line was correct – that’s about right for me. So … there is no bragging going on here. It’s not a socially controlled phenomenon that I’m working against. None of the women older than twenty, whose paths I have crossed over my lifetime, have taken the time to calculate anything. Their reactions (cold, distant eyes) are mostly instantaneous. The twenty year olds have eyes a’light with some kind of fire. Someone once said that a romance is made (or not) in the first five seconds. The brain does all the work, but it’s mostly subconscious. Another person said that less than half of the brain’s work deals with physical attributes. There are subconscious channels, maybe even low level telepathic channels, pheromones … you get the picture.

My theory is that these unseen channels are really the driving force here. I must be mutated in some way. Women, when they reach a certain age (say twenty one) simply switch off. They go from flirty and engaging to stone faced and dull. Not for everyone, but just for me and my mix of chemicals. I asked a question here that I probably know more about than most of the readers. I’m not sure why I bothered, to tell the truth. I’ve lived with this thing my whole life and have had a lot of time to think about it. However – writing things down sometimes leads to insight. So, maybe it’s not a total waste of time. When my wife’s age went much beyond twenty one, it happened to her too. That’s what makes this natural (or unnatural?) thing such a curse. If I’d take up with a nineteen or twenty year old who came a’callin (and they do that) … then in a couple years the same thing would happen. It would be a sexual version of the ground hog day movie. I’m probably fodder for a research program …

My kids are grown, but they factor into the equation. If I had gone off with a younger woman, they would have disowned me. That’s big for me. Also – my wife and I have an entire lifetime of history. We know each other very well. That is something that takes a lifetime to achieve, and is not something you just throw away. My romantic life (except for very early on) was really terrible. I suffered a great deal. However – I still have connection with my kids, and when the dust settles, I’m not sure who I could trust more than my wife, even if we don’t have sex. For some reasons that are NOT sexually related, I’m still inclined to hang around with my wife, even though she says she wants nothing to do with me. I’m in the rose smelling years now, and a little bit inclined lately to just sail away on a boat. Don’t know if she’ll come along though … probably not …

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I’m a little confused by what it is you’re asking me. It sounds like you have a long term marriage and you’re in your 50s, and I’m guessing your wife is, too, but that for 15 years you’ve stopped having sex. The question I have for you is why have you and your wife stopped having sex? It seems that you want a sex life, or at least some physical affection. Why not work on your marriage?

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[oceanRon]

Hello April:

Mainly I was fishing in the forums to see if there could be others who have had similar life experiences as I have had myself. I think I am a psycho-sexual abberation as regards the “unspoken” portions of human sexuality. Some women are attracted to me, not for physical looks, but for unspoken communications (which I think are mainly unrecognized and/or not understood much in the science of human sexuality). Only the younger women (some, but not all) are attracted to me (up through about twenty years and occasionally just a little more). The effect of this is that women over twenty “shut off” sexually, relative to myself. It’s as if their perception of me before they are twenty or so is as a person of the opposite sex. When they grow only a little older than that, they “flip” their perception of me so that I seem (in their eyes) to be asexual or perhaps of the same sex. Do you know what I’m saying?

This is what I think happened to my wife, and so I don’t think there is a “fix.”

We were married in the early eighties, and were all but done with sex by the mid eighties. Our marital life was really a non-sexual one after the first couple years. Additionally, I think my wife had a fairly low libido to start with. The combination of low libido and the other effect that I have tried to describe, shifted our marriage into a brother/sister thing long ago. Now – there’s nothing wrong with platonic relationships, but they can leave a romantically inclined partner hanging out to dry, a lot of the time. I’m sure she would need to take hormone supplements to change her libido even a little, and she won’t because of her views on holistic medicine. I’m really not looking for pornographic sex from her, but when I was a younger man I always thought I’d go out into the sunset with my woman squeezing my hand.

Some people think that a platonic relationship can involve holding hands. It doesn’t. Contrary to what many people think, it takes [i]some[/i] sexual desire to even hold hands. Another way to put it would be to ask the question, “Would you hold hands with your brother?” That’s platonic for ya.

Now – I’ve been unable to answer a pretty simple question. Should I sacrifice the idea I had, in my youth, about watching the sinking sunset (of our lives) while sqeezing each other’s hands? … And then just ride out the last days with someone with whom I have a lukewarm “brother” sort of relationship?

My own answer is that I pretty much have to do the lukewarm thing, or else simply go off on my own (I’m adventurous and have ideas about sailing the world) — because the abberation I am afflicted with dictates the “shut off” I have described, which will always kick in, with anybody else I might be with. It wouldn’t matter who it was. Nobody would go the long haul. Do you see my point?

Maybe it’s better to go out with somebody rather than nobody. Or not …

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re not interested in doing the work that relationships require to stay healthy, happy and sexual. 🙁 You’ve justified your position intellectually, but you’re just making excuses for your responsibility in the relationship. All marriages go through ups and downs, but if you’re not happy with the way things are, you have a responsibility to communicate, make behavioral adjustments and basically, try to make things better. 😉

My advice is to start to romance your wife in ways you haven’t up until now, or in ways you haven’t in a long time. It really feels like you’ve thrown in the towel on your marriage too soon. Take her out on a romantic dinner and buy her some beautiful jewelry and tell her how much you’ve missed her sexually and that you find her sexy and attractive and want to get back to the way things are and you’ll do anything it takes to do so. 😉

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