[JaneD]

I have been seeing this guy for a few months, but we only started getting serious this past month. We have also been having a lot of arguments lately. They centre on the fact that he doesn’t like the way I dress/ take care of my appearance. Now, I understand that maybe my style does not match with his, but I get deeply hurt whenever he mentions this because I come from a history of being bullied (mostly because of my appearance). It hurts because, ive always had deep insecurities about myself, and I already find it hard to believe that someone like me could have found something attractive in me, and would even think of asking me out. These days, I find it hard to get dressed, and to even look in the mirror, because he has made comments about ‘the way I do my makeup’ I am no expert, but I don’t know what I can do, because I am already frustrated with my appearance, and find it difficult to accept myself. I had always imagined that I would be in a relationship with someone who loves me- the whole me..my dorky sense of humor and all. But, I am finding myself more insecure than ever, trying to put more effort in my appearance, but knowing that I am still failing him. I don’t know..it hurts a lot. And he makes comments about how I don’t like to listen to him, and how I’m not willing to change. He comes from a background where people are open/ honest about everything, and no one gets hurt when such comments are made. So he doesn’t understand why I am constantly taking offence to what he says.

Its hard for me because hes the only guy ive ever been intimate with. And we both love each other(it doesn’t come across from what ive said before, but I really do care about him so much, and I know he cares about me on some level). I really don’t want to lose him, but I cant stay in this depressed state forever. What do I do? Do I make more of an effort to work on myself and my self esteem or do we just end it?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Your problems are intrapersonal, not interpersonal (between the two of you). You’re going to carry around this baggage in whatever relationship you have, so my advice is to face it now.

If makeup is a place where he’d like to see you doing things differently, and you admit you’re no expert, my advice is that you go to a department store makeup counter and ask them to teach you what kind of makeup application is best for your face. You’ll find that the makeup counter saleswomen are very eager to help, and you’ll learn a lot and end up looking great!

If you feel you’re not good at something, instead of nurturing your inner victim, decide to get better at it, and go learn how to do something, like put outfits together or style your hair, so you don’t feel insecure. Getting better at doing things is the best way to overcome feelings of insecurity. 😉

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