[Liani]

So, I’m 24 and my bf of three years now is 23. When it comes to relationships, this is his first committed relation, not so much for me. Anyway, since we met we have had great chemistry; we rarely fight o bicker and just seem to be compatible all around. I’m a med student so my schedule is pretty hectic but he gets it and stands by me 100%. I’m truly trying to come across fault in our relation and just can’t find any. The problem comes in about a year ago when my sister came across his FB page open on my computer. To get to the point, his private messages were full of inappropriate exchanges with girls. They weren’t sexual and didn’t lead me to believe he had cheated in anyway, they were just conversations in which he addressed them by pet names and told him how beautiful they are, it was like high school flirting. Pretty pathetic actually since none of the girls seemed to be interested in him. Once confronted with the whole situation he begged and pleaded, telling me how much he loved me and blah blah blah. Being the emotional softy I am, I forgave him and after a few rough weeks everything went back to its blissful self. The conversation is awesome, the love is there and the sex is amazing. I truly forgave him and dismissed his actions as immaturity and “typical guy crap”, plus his actions really proved that he was sorry and wanted to make everything better. Now fast forward to last Saturday, after having to open his FB in front of me to look up some info on a restaurant he got extremely nervous, I’m talking cold sweats and all. This of course was a huge red flag to me, so I cracked his pass word and long behold the messages have gotten worse with different girls then before. Now he is talking about meeting up and calling them the same exact pet names he uses with me, he also makes references to them texting which of course was news to me. On top of all of that he talks with his friends about going out to get laid and just objectifies girls in such a demeaning manor. It’s like a totally different guy! Again, he is begging and pleading, calling me his true love and all these things that just sound like crap to me now. As I finish writing to you, it hits me like a ton of bricks, I think I know the answer I’m looking for, leave his ass, I mean run away and never look back. But guess what? I love him I really and completely do. I’m not scared of letting go, it will hurt but I’ll survive. Im scared of letting go of this great guy (facebook issues aside) who embodies all of the things I ever wanted in a guy and regretting it for the rest of my life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your question and your situation are very common. Women become invested in men who cheat on them, and then they’re afraid to leave because except for the cheating…. everything is great. 😕

Your boyfriend is either cheating on you or going to cheat on you, and either way, he hasn’t been honest with you and has been leading a life outside of the one you have with him that is in direct conflict with the one you have with him. So it’s not just the cheating that’s a problem, it’s dishonesty.

You’re going to meet lots of men in your life and all of them will have wonderful qualities, but they won’t all be compatible or Mr. Right. The reason is that you have to ENOUGH of what you both need in each other to make a long term relationship work. This kind of dishonesty is a deal breaker for healthy people. I know you know this, and you’re upset at having to let go of what you want him to be, but if you’re honest with yourself (ironically), you’ll see who he is, warts and all, and decide if you’re really compatible with someone who is dishonest or not.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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