[hanashimashou]

Hi April,

I’m hoping you could give me some advice on a tough situation i’m currently in. First off, I’m a 21 year old gay male. I haven’t had the best upbringing unfortunately. I’ve never had my father around and my mother turned to drug abuse when i was young and she hasn’t improved since. I caught my first boyfriend planning to sleep with someone else after a whole year of being together. I broke it off, took him back and gave him a second chance. He ended up leaving me a month later for no given reason and because of that, i’ve found it very hard to trust anyone especially when they’re using the internet or phone (I found out about my first boyfriends infedelity via an online conversation) so I always have been scared watching a boyfriend/date using their phone.

I’m currently with my 4th boyfriend. The two inbetween were very short lived and should have been classified as friends with benefits now that I think about it. It was just very sex based. I met my current boyfriend a year ago when he was dating a good friend of mine. They didn’t end up working out and then we eventually got talking alot and ended up going on a few dates. He gave me every reason in the world to not make him my boyfriend. He was incredibly honest in saying that he easily gets bored of boyfriends (he’s dated over 40 people and he’s only 20!) and that he would just break up with them because he could. Either way, I put myself out there and asked him into a relationship after a month and a half of deliberation.

Everything seemed perfect. I was the first boyfriend he admitted to that he was raped when he was 17, I was the first boyfriend he thought he ever felt love for (don’t worry, took him months to say the love word, not in the first week thank god!) etc.. we hit alot of milestones together. We’ve beaten his relationship average length by 6 1/2 months which I’m quite proud of!

He’s an alcoholic, no doubt about it. Everynight he’d have a bottle or two to put himself to sleep (apparently night tremors from his rape experience). it always made me sad because well..I’m not an alcoholic and when he did drink, he was noticibly more..how do I say it, cutesy? He said he loved me more, he’d lay there and stare at me and tell me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. (don’t get me wrong, he did similar when he was sober but not nearly as much as i did!) He also was quite negative, he’d get very obviously down and depressed about everything.

We recently got back from a trip to Bali together. 7 nights just me and him 24/7 it was great, we both agreed that it was an unforgettable experience. Returning ruined alot. The fact that we had to return to normality (work, living seperately) killed me a bit inside I missed him so much BUT i felt like I was falling out of love with him due to the drinking. I hated bringing his drinking up to him because he’d always ignore it and seem down or upset with me for brining it up. After some deliberation, I decided to bring it up again.

I went to his house a few days ago to say that it was getting ridiculous but before I could even really finish, he ended it. He said that he can’t change for me, he won’t accept my help and that he’s about to hit bottom and I don’t deserve to be there for that. I was shocked and so upset realising that I wasn’t falling out of love for him at all, I was just concerned for his health and my own. I asked him if he was 100% sure and he said yes, so that was it. He barely contacted me for 48hours while I asked when we were gonna trade our stuff back from eaches respective household. No reply at all until the next morning, I get a call at 7am.

“I am so sorry, I screwed up, I made a HUGE mistake in doing what i did to you, can we please talk at some point tonight?”. I’m a nice person, I’m willing to let anyone talk something out so I said yes (and took his stuff with me just incase it was a no go)
Spent all day wondering what he wanted to say, i really only expected him to say ‘Please take me back’ with no extras, as if I was just going to accept him for what he does.
The day went very slowly and I finally got there and what occured was completely unexpected.

He sat me down and completely admitted, no hesitation that his drinking was alot worse than he let me, or anyone know. Secret stashes all over his house (even in like vinegar bottles in the kitchen etc..), car, workplace, parents house and he was under the influence every day for the past 3 or 4 years. He said once we parted the few nights before, he went to his parents house, bought 4 bottles of red wine and downed hem all infront of his anti-alcoholic family and passed out. Went to work the next morning, drank a whole bottle of vodka from his workplace stash and was so drunk he had to go home. On the way home, stopped by the bottle shop and picked up a bottle of Gin and downed that aswell. Eventually got home and passed out for 12 hours, woke up and realised what he was doing and the mistake he had made (all his words, none of mine)

I heard him out for sure and eventually, I took him back. I’m still confused on why I did, I mean my mother is a junkie and has been into rehab and jail 20+ times and she never changed, my first boyfriend cheated, asked for another chance and left, why did I chose to give this one a second chance? I think it’s because I am in love with him and I do want him to get better and something about his honesty about it all, made me think it’s legitimate.

So, what do you think? Am I a complete fool and just too considerate? I know it’s quite an essay but all my support networks aren’t very helpful with it all. it’s more just like ‘You guys will sort it out!’ which is fair enough, I can’t expect anyone to just magically want to help.

Thanking you kindly for any response.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You took him back because you have a history of “normalcy” with addicts since your mom was an addict. His problems are not all that unfamiliar to you. We all have a tendency to gravitate to what is normal, whether or not it’s healthy for us. So, that’s why you took him back.

However… your boyfriend is an alcoholic. He’s addicted to alcohol. The alcohol will always come first for him — not you — as long as he continues to honor that alcoholism and not sobriety. He’s being very clear with you that he doesn’t want to change. So the ball is in your court.

The best thing for YOU to do for YOU — and remember, when you do what’s best for you, you’re doing what’s best for all your future relationships — is to date someone who is healthy. He isn’t. I know it’s hard, but the best thing for you is to move on and find someone to date who is not an addict.

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