[Anonymous]

Hey there,

I’ve been having some problems with my ex boyfriend and I wanted an unbiased third party to let me know what to do and how to approach things. Here goes:

I met him May 2009; it was an online thing and I was more than okay with that because I tend not to meet guys around where I live. He’s from Philadelphia, I’m from Kentucky, but the first couple of months were wonderful. He’s the closest thing to a soulmate that I’ve met in my life and he would admit the same thing, as he’s mentioned to me that dating since breaking up has been bad and nobody has measured up to me. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

After the honeymoon period was over, he informed me that he wasn’t big on the fact that I still talk to another one of my exes. We haven’t been dating since June 2007 (we were also long distance) and the topic of getting together has never been raised. He’s the only person I really talk to on a social level and I consider him to be my best friend. Apparently, the fact that he liked a lot of things on my Facebook was a little much for my boyfriend to handle; the thing is, he never gave me a hint as to how to solve things. I consider myself to be pretty open to compromise, even moreso now than I was at the beginning of our relationship, but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what would make you the most comfortable, y’know? I’ve only had two relationships in my life, so a lot of this is really new to me, sadly.

Another problem that he had was that our relationship seemed like a “tease”, i.e. that we would never meet in real life, which I understand the fear of but it wasn’t like that. We started dating in May, ended things in November when he met someone else, and the six months we were together were filled with fights. We had originally set a December goal of a powerpoint presentation on a designated city that we were considering moving to, but I didn’t do mine, as we weren’t in any kind of shape to think about moving in together. It’s also why I never mentioned it to my mom or put it on my Facebook; yes, I realize that it was a bad move and I own up to that, but why should I make a big deal about something so unstable to my friends and family?

The major turning point in our friendship/relationship was a nasty Facebook message that he sent me, which made us stop talking for about a month after we broke up (we ended things in November, he sent it in late December). I contacted him about a month later out of loneliness and he surprisingly reciprocated the feeling. The month really made me miss him and showed me the importance he had in my life; we may have fought a lot and not seen eye to eye on everything, but he was somebody that I came to rely on and not having him in my life was painful.

Since we’ve started talking again, we’ve had a few false starts in terms of getting back together, each successively frustrating me more. It seems like he finds a new excuse every time to not be with me; one of them was that I didn’t respond enthusiastically enough to him asking me in mid-April. Seriously. Another reason was the whole “we could only be together if there’s a future for us in real life”; I agree with him and this is why I told him of a plan I was thinking of to save money, move out of my parent’s house (I’m a recent college grad), get a place of my own, have one visit with him, and eventually move together by the end of next year. He rejected me, met somebody else at the urging of his friend who tried to sabotage us every chance he got, and then mentioned that to me the other night.

He’s currently dating someone else, though they’re not “officially” together as of yet; the thought has crossed my mind to hold out and see what happens between the two of them, as his other two post-me relationships haven’t lasted for too long. However, my heart is just tired of being batted around and if I’m going to move on, I’d like to start sooner rather than later, honestly. He has a much busier life nowadays than he used to, so I feel almost left behind, in a sense, as he makes absolutely no time for our friendship. I understand that we’re not together and we don’t have any real ties to one another, but I always feel like he takes advantage of the fact that I’m always going to be there. He’s an atrocious communicator to begin with (my main issue with him), so the absence just makes things worse.

Is he just extremely scared of committing or is he already over me? Should I let go the notion that we could be together? How does one even move on? It hurts my heart every time he meets someone and I don’t know if I can handle going through another round of this.

Any thoughts and advice are much welcome (they don’t have to relate to my questions, either). I’ll also gladly clarify anything confusing.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you don’t have your own life together, and that’s your number one problem. As a recent college grad who’s moved back in with her parents, I think the first item on your agenda has to be getting a job. The second item is moving out of your parents home and into your own place. You should live on your own and experience life before focusing your energy on this long distance boyfriend who is now [i]dating someone else[/i]. 😕 You’re using this old relationship that isn’t right for you as an excuse to keep from dealing with the real issues in your life.

Yes! You SHOULD DEFINITELY let go. This out of state ex-boyfriend from a year ago is dating someone else. He’s not Mr. Right for you. Don’t focus any more energy on what’s wrong with him or what went wrong in the relationship. You broke up over a year ago, and it’s high time you moved on.

You’ll feel a lot better when you do.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — and join me on Facebook. The link for AskApril.com on Facebook is: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Member]

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