[purpleunicorn]

Hi April! This is LONG but I wanted to get your advice on something that I’ve been going through for a while. I’ve been talking/seeing a guy for 9 months now (we are not bf/gf).Throughout these 9 months I’ve really battled with doubt, confusion and worried over this situation. He said that he’s scared of commitment. He states that he doesn’t know how flexible I will be with him and even though I am now he’s not sure if I’ll be the same person once we make it official. He feels like he’s only barely scratched the surface when it comes to knowing me. He wants to see more sides to me than just the “nice Christian girl”. Regarding him wanting to see more sides of me, I feel like those things come out within time. I don’t feel comfortable sharing pieces of my heart with him without commitment. That could mean being too emotionally attached to him. His other excuse is that he’s not financial where he needs to be.He also came clean and said for a while he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be single or get married.
He’s asked me to give him more time but I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do. Actually, I’m not sure if I should break it off or keep seeing him. I’ve really tried to understand where he is coming from and part of me think maybe I should be more patient and understanding?? He’s a good guy but if I wait for him, that’s a risk as well.
Things have progressed very slowly for us in the nine months and I feel like he’s pursuing me with minimal effort and maybe that’s out of being cautious.
I wonder if I’m just over thinking all of this!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

These are good questions. You’re 24 and he’s 28, and you’re wanting a commitment, but you’re with someone who’s been clear from the beginning that he isn’t sure he wants a commitment. That you also mention his finances not being where he wants them to be in order to be committed, makes me think you’re looking for either marriage, or a serious, monogamous, long-term thing. I get it. 😉

Trust your instincts. This guy may have lovely qualities, but he’s making it very clear that after dating for nine months, he’s not necessarily up for marriage or even anything that serious. At your age, looking for a serious commitment, you should be dating someone who wants the same things you do — whether from you or someone else. I know you feel you’ve invested nine months, but if he’s being this clear after all this time, take him seriously. 😉 The two of you don’t have the same goals for the relationship.

Here’s my advice for dating in general: Use the first three months of dating someone to decide if you want to continue dating them. You and he should be playing the field at the same time. If you do want to continue dating, use the next three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. What this does is to take the pressure of the two of you to be a couple and focuses on getting to know each other without that pressure.

I hope that helps.

[Rayan lee]

You’ve been standing there for nine months, so he’s not afraid of losing you. As long as you remain an “option” for him, he’ll never give you priority.
You are doing yourself a disservice by being nice. When a man says he’s stopping due to financial issues or confusion, in 90% of cases, it means he’s not serious about you.
Ask April was absolutely right that giving him more time is a risk, especially since he’s been clear from the start that he isn’t ready.
So move on and don’t waste your time.

[Member]

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