[0092084]

I hope my message doesn’t get too long and I hope you are able to help. If my message is all over the place, I apologize in advance.

My sister is in her early to mid twenties and has so far been in three relationships, four if you count this one. Although she and this guy, who we shall call “Michael” are friends they want to become a couple in the future. Of all the relationship’s she’s been in one was abusive and went on for seven years. This was back in high school and college. I fear that her friendship/relationship with Michael is a potentially abusive one.

My sister hasn’t had the best luck with guys. Our father wasn’t very kind to her growing up and she and I had the misfortune of watching our mother experience an abusive relationship for years with a man who isn’t our father. Our father didn’t hit her, but was extremely emotionally abusive (I’d rather not go into detail). My mother’s husband at the time was also very mean to us.

Here are a few issues I saw/see in their relationship and her response when the issues are brought up. This won’t be everything. I wasn’t there when the incidents happened. She tells me these things.

-He was very critical of her appearance, which is caused by a medical condition. He wouldn’t listen to her when she told him it was caused by the medical condition, and he demanded she use specific products to solve the problem. Her response: She does exactly what he says.

-He cursed her out on several occasions. Her response: He talks to everyone like that because of where he grew up.

-Extremely jealous and doesn’t want her sitting with other men at lunch (they work together). Not even her pals she know since middle school. Her response: On one occasion, she doesn’t sit with them, she sits alone. Other times she goes back and forth between sitting with them and not sitting with them.

-Isn’t considerate of her time. Everything has to be done when he’s ready despite other obligations she may have. Her response: Accepts it for what it is.

-He says she has to “submit” to him if she wants a relationship with him. Her response: “he said he meant ‘submit’ in the biblical sense”

Both my Mom and I feel that this is a potentially abusive relationship. We express our concern to her but it falls on deaf ears. Is this a potentially abusive relationship? How can we help her get out of it before things get worse? What can she do to prevent herself from getting into more abusive relationships in the future? She, on a very small level, realize that something isn’t right with her relationship with Michael, but she thinks talking to him about it, “when the time is right” will make things a little better. I don’t think so. She doesn’t want to leave him. She says the he’s the only guy who’s loved her the way she needs to be loved. I don’t even know what that means, but I think that will make it extremely difficult for her to leave if things get really bad.

Also, how can I avoid the same fate? I don’t want to get stuck in abusive relationships like those in my family have been in. I’m so scared to end up in one that I think my fear will prevent me from keeping many male friends or having relationships with them. For an example, a long while ago, a male friend blew up at me for basically no reason. He did apologize sincerely and cried because he felt bad, but I told myself if he blows up at me again, I might have to sever the friendship because I don’t want to end up stuck with an abusive friend. My friend doesn’t even raise any abusive red flags! People just explode every once in a while, including me. I do suspect my friend has some separate issues going on, but that’s another post for another day. How can I avoid abusive relationships while at the same time shake the idea that all men are going to abuse and take advantage of me?

Thanks in advance for your help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I really want to answer your questions — but first… please cut, paste and repost this as a “reply” on the string of posts you’ve started on this website here: . When you do, I’ll be sure to answer your questions there. It really helps to have all your posts in one place so I can see everything at once, and so, too, can anyone else who wants to weigh in. You’ll get the best advice this way. 🙂

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