[Jer]

Hi April, So I have been dating this girl for 2 years and 7 months now, Online. I am from Bahai religion (27 yrs), she is A Christian (20 yrs old). She is not religious, as a matter of fact she doesn’t believe in God. After all these time online we decided to meet, she insisted that I come visit her this summer. I quit my job (blunder mistake), I liquidated my assets to afford this trip to America, as i am from the Middle east and money value is different. So I came to America, life was good, she was excited. But as soon as her parents found out she’d dating a man from another religion and told her to break it with me.. she ended it just like that. We had only met 4 times in person, and i could tell it was not because of the way i looked or treated her. She was over the moon every night after we had a date. She loved me or so it seemed. But She just abruptly told me she can’t hurt her family and asked me not to talk to her.

I must add here that, It always felt like It had been a relationship of un-equal trades. As in, It always felt like I was the one that had to chip in more of everything. She’d never go to bed early so she can talk to me in her mornings as I can’t stay up late cause of my work schedules. So I ended up changing my day shift to night shift so i can talk to her. She’d never sacrifice something for me even if i asked for it. She’d make all the plans. She’d tell me who i can be friends with and whom i’ve to stop talking, I never flirted with others or had anyone flirt with me. She chooses where we meet, when we meet, what we do, where we’ll stay in the future, Who can visit us, whom i can talk to.. etc

But I genuinely love her, I was willing to do everything, including a religious conversion. But she wont even give me a chance. She just said it wont work cause i am not a Christian and she can’t hurt her family. It has been over 3 weeks since she spoke to me. I am still in the States and she doesn’t even bother asking if I was doing okay. She doesn’t even have the curtesy to ask if i need anything as I absolutely know no body here in her home town, Living in this hotel room all alone on my own. I have done my best to not talk to her so far.

The reason she gave why she won’t talk to me was that I need to move on and if she keeps talking to me, I wont move on. That is nice of her to me considerate of me in a way but She can’t just give up this easy. We’ve had a lot of time and emotions invested in this to let go so easy.

Now, I don’t now what I want. Is this a girl worth fighting for? Yes i do love her, Yes I will sacrifice anything to be with her with all these problems. But that’s my heart speaking. Should I contact her ? Should I give her time as it has only been 3 weeks? How could someone ignore a person like this when they have promised so much to them and know that person has done almost all they could make things work for them? Please help me April

[AskApril Masini]

I know that you’ve invested a lot in this relationship — a lot of money and over two years of commitment — but as you said, it was a one way commitment for most of the relationship, and you only had four dates in person because of the long distance nature of the relationship. After four dates, she moved on and has suggested you do, too — but you don’t want to. I get it. You’re hurt and you want to make this work. You’re the type of person who takes commitment seriously and doesn’t give up — and that’s wonderful — [b]IF you’re with the right person! [/b]She isn’t that right person for you.

My advice is that you consider this rule of thumb I like to use: Use the first three months of dating (in person) to decide if you want to continue dating each other. If you both do, then use the second three months of dating to decide if you want monogamy or not. And when considering a long distance relationship, if you meet online and haven’t had an in person date in three months, then move on. If you don’t have enough money to meet, then consider that long distance dating isn’t the right forum for you. I know this may seem cold, but these tips will help you avoid heartache.

I know you don’t want to move on, but I don’t think you have a choice. You have a certain idea of how things should go, but she doesn’t share your ideas. 🙁

I’m sorry for your pain. You’re welcome to ask me any question you might have, and please let me know how you’re doing and how things go.

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[Jer]

I do take commitments seriously, for what is love if you don’t put your happiness above the other person’s happiness? Which is also why I have not spammed her phone or called her. I’ve respected her wish and kept my distance. But she is doing what most ex’s do. She sends a message, I reply, then she ignores it for a week. Sends one more message, gets my reply then ignores it. I wait here for a response with a little bit of hope… Only to be in tears and disappointment. I just received one more text asking if i was doing okay and sharing her new job details that she Got.

Should I take this as her way of trying to mend things with me? Is she trying to come back? Cause I know her pride is too big, she has a very big ego. She seldom says sorry or takes the first step to apologize when she knows she’s done something wrong. It has always been me that picks up on her cues and takes the initiative to invite her to mend things. This is her third message since the break up. I responded to the first two, kept my replies to the point. But I haven’t responded to this one yet.

I do not want to be friends with her, It will ruin my future. Should I continue these text games? Is there something good I can salvage out of what is left and build a relationship on it? Thank you once again

Jer.

[AskApril Masini]

I think you have clarity on what’s happening, even if it is painful for you. Staying in touch with someone you’ve broken up with, has no future. If you want to send a last text, don’t be responsive. Instead, explain that you don’t want to be friends because it’s not what you set out to be, and not what you feel for her. You have only and always wanted more than that. Wish her the best in her life and then move on. That will be your closure, and hopefully, hers, too.

Let me know if you need anything else.

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[Jer]

Hello April,
I decided to have the closure with her, decided to let her know I’ll accept reality and part away with her in good terms. I asked if we could talk over the phone or if I could meet so i could say goodbye. She said she doesn’t want to hear anything about us. I promised her I am not going to burden her, I just wanted to say goodbye and wish her the best. She asked me to say it over in texts, So while i was typing it out. She went on to say,[i] “I wont be bothered to read it if it is too long, Just so you know”. [/i] I couldn’t understand why shy wont have the decency to even let me say goodbye.

I was deeply hurt at this point, thinking about all the times I gave up on my games, friends, tv shows, work, and family cause she wanted a quality time with me. And i was happy she was happy, but she wont give me one last goodbye, she was that busy that she cant even hear me out… I decided its not worth it and just told her, “We had what most ppl never find in life, and i just wanted to say thank you for showing me love, i wish you the best in life”… so just then she said she doesn’t care to know what i have to say as she doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore.

I asked her not to hurt me with her words. I could have been happy knowing I had a good 2 and half years of love but she has to go on and say it was never love April?

1) How could some people hurt you so much when they promised you a lot of happiness and you did nothing to hurt them. These are the people you thought you could trust your life with.
2) We blocked each other now, no more contacts But, Although I know she doesn’t love me anymore or never did, I still want her to know i am hurt, that i miss her and love her. Is this feeling normal? How can I move past this? This is like standing in front of an artwork and waiting for its love.

~ Jer

[AskApril Masini]

You are someone who wants to do their own thing — and that’s great. You have a strong value system, and a clear sense of what is right and wrong. However…it will help you to understand that not everyone shares your values or your ideas of how things should go — and if you can’t accept that, you’re going to be hurt a lot. 😳 Relationships are between two people, and it’s very rare that they are alike or even compatible in every way. 😉 If you can really process that, you’ll make a shift in your own behavior and have an easier time of things and not feel stranded. 🙂

[quote]1) How could some people hurt you so much when they promised you a lot of happiness and you did nothing to hurt them. These are the people you thought you could trust your life with.[/quote]

You misjudged. 😮 She wasn’t who you thought she was. But, you’re being given an excellent opportunity to learn about life, here. When we make mistakes, they’re not problems — they’re great learning opportunities. You see, sometimes promises are kept, and sometimes they’re broken. The reason why is because you’re dealing with human beings who are imperfect. We all make mistakes and we hurt others. This is how life works. 😉 That’s why I suggested that you already had closure before you engaged with her again, and that if you did want to send a text, not to be responsive, just send it. I was trying to help you not get hurt further — but everyone has their own learning curve, and maybe you understand more fully that she doesn’t adhere to your code of ethics or your behavioral standards. She has her own — and neither one is right or wrong. They’re both valid. 😉 In other words, she’s not wrong — and you’re not wrong. You’re both right — but incompatible.

[quote]2) We blocked each other now, no more contacts But, Although I know she doesn’t love me anymore or never did, I still want her to know i am hurt, that i miss her and love her. Is this feeling normal? How can I move past this? This is like standing in front of an artwork and waiting for its love.[/quote]

It’s normal to want people who hurt you to know they hurt you, but it’s really just a way of trying to hurt her for hurting you, and two wrongs don’t make a right. 😳 You’re angry that things didn’t work out and you want to lash out by showing her that she did something wrong. The problem here is that she didn’t do something wrong. In relationships, sometimes people get hurt. There’s no insurance to prevent it. 😳 But… there is an old saying that holds up today: The best revenge is living well. If you bounce back and live a great life — without her — it’s the best way to show her what she missed! That’s my advice. 😀 I don’t think you should contact her any more. You’re just going to get hurt further, and she’ll become more and more annoyed with the contact. She’s made it clear she’s done. That’s your cue to move on and find a Ms. Right who loves and adores you. 😎

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[SuperRouge]

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[AskApril Masini]

Since you’ve already started a string of posts on this forum, please cut and paste this question as a “reply” to the string you’ve already started here: I’ve here: .

And if you lost your password, please just click on the lost my password link on the login page, to get a new one. 😀

I’ll look out for your fresh post and I’ll answer your question when it’s posted in the string you already started. 😉

[PassionSeeker]

Right now, the healthiest move for you might be to let go. It sounds like she’s made her boundaries clear by not wanting to continue talking or meeting. It hurts, I’m sure, but sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to stop fighting for someone who’s no longer fighting for you.

The fact that she’s ignoring your messages, only sending you occasional updates without real emotional investment, indicates she might be trying to move on herself, even if she hasn’t explicitly told you that. I know it’s difficult, but at this point, it seems like holding on is keeping you in an emotional limbo that’s not fair to you. If she ever reaches out again, you’ll need to decide if you want to engage in a new form of relationship or truly close the door and move on.

[Ethan Morales]

You gave everything time, money, effort, even your comfort for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. That imbalance isn’t love; it’s sacrifice without return. Relationships can’t survive when only one person is doing the work.

She ended things not because of how you treated her, but because it was easier to obey her family than to stand by you. That tells you a lot about her emotional strength and her priorities. When someone truly wants you, they fight for you. She didn’t.

You’re still holding on because your heart hasn’t caught up to reality yet. You’re not just missing her you’re missing the dream of what you thought this could be. That’s why the pain feels so heavy. But it’s important to see that her actions already made the choice for both of you.

If you reach out to her now, it won’t bring her back it’ll only make you hurt longer. She’s chosen her family and her comfort over your love. As painful as that is, it’s also clarity. You finally see who she really is when tested.

The truth is, she’s not the one who deserves your loyalty. The kind of love you gave patient, committed, selfless belongs to someone who will mirror it. This woman didn’t, and that’s why the relationship couldn’t last.

Let yourself grieve, but also let yourself heal. You can honor what you felt without chasing someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Sometimes moving on isn’t losing it’s protecting the part of you that still believes in love.

[James Smith]

Man, reading this hit me like that time I booked a flight to surprise my ex, only to find out she’d already surprised herself… with a new boyfriend. I was standing there at the airport holding flowers and a bag of gummy bears like a discount movie extra. The security guard even patted my shoulder and said, “Tough day, huh?” I told him, “Brother, you have no idea.”

You gave this girl everything, even quit your job and crossed oceans for her, but she didn’t meet you halfway. That’s not love, that’s charity work with emotional taxes. Sometimes the hardest part isn’t losing the person, it’s realizing they wouldn’t have done for you what you did for them.

So here’s the thing: are you really in love with her, or are you just in love with the idea of what you thought she’d be once she saw how much you cared?

[Marcus king]

Here’s the truth, man you gave everything while she gave just enough to keep you holding on. That’s not love built on balance; that’s love built on dependency. You were the one making all the sacrifices, carrying the emotional weight, and hoping she’d meet you halfway. But she never really did, did she?

Now that her family stepped in, she folded fast. That tells you something. She didn’t have the conviction to stand for what you two had. And the hard part? You can’t teach someone courage. You can’t beg someone to choose you.

Right now, you’re running on heartbreak and sunk costs the time, money, and emotion you’ve poured in. But chasing her again would only dig that hole deeper. Three weeks of silence from someone who knows you came across the world for them? That’s not love that’s avoidance.

So no, don’t contact her. Give her silence. Let her feel what it’s like not having your energy fill her days. And while she’s figuring out her conscience, you figure out your boundaries. Love shouldn’t strip you of self-respect.

If she ever comes back she’ll have to meet a stronger version of you, not the one who’d give up everything just to be tolerated.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe 💔 she didn’t “give up easy”, she was never fighting the same fight. you gave everything, you quit your job, crossed oceans, and she couldn’t even text “u ok?”, that’s not love, that’s control dressed like concern. stop chasing what already walked away. heal and let her wonder what she lost 💅🔥

[Tara]

You threw away your job, your money, and your sense for someone who can’t even grow a spine in front of her parents. That isn’t love, that’s self-destruction dressed up as devotion. You carried the whole relationship on your back while she sat there taking everything and giving nothing.

She didn’t end it because of religion. She ended it because the second you stopped bending over backward, the relationship stopped serving her. You changed your life for her. She didn’t change a damn thing for you. That’s not love. That’s manipulation with a pretty face.

Now you’re sitting alone, waiting for a girl who’s already erased you from her future. She’s not confused. She’s done. Her silence is her answer. When people care, they show up. When they don’t, they vanish. Stop pretending she needs time. She’s just comfortable letting you wait.

You keep wondering if she’s worth the fight. SHE ISN’T.

[Sally]

It makes you think the love is real because you’re working so hard to hold it together.

But here’s the thing no one wants to admit: if someone can drop you the second it gets hard, they weren’t standing with you in the first place. That doesn’t mean you didn’t matter. It just means she wasn’t built for the kind of love you were offering.

I know you want to fight for her, but she already walked away. And you’re still out here trying to make sense of it. That tells you everything.

Don’t call her. Focus on getting yourself home and safe. The rest can wait.

[Member]

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