[Cadabra2510]

I think my girlfriend is having an affair with another.Its all began when her brother took his new friend home and introduced him to everyone,saying the friend is from there country because ,basically we are foreign students in a university in Western Europe and am from a different country or nationality to them. Everything was normal until this guy and my girlfriend started chatting,having late night calls and chat and this guy started staying the night at their apartment.She started ignoring my chats and calls and her excuse will always be she’s busy but at the same time,she will respond to this guy’s texts and calls and give me the busy excuse.All of the sudden this guy will text her at night saying he’s hungry at 11pm and she will get up ,go to the kitchen and prepare a dish for him and ask him to go over to the apartment.Now that’s a red flag because I have known her for 4 years and she ain’t that type of a person. They started being on the phone everyday,talking for hours and she ain’t that type of a long talker.I asked questions and all I got was the guy was just checking on her.Ok,four weeks ago I visited her and met this guy in her room with his jacket off,sneakers off and belt loosen and she was in the bed with just bra and a very shot tight.The guy immediately left and she told me the guy was traveling so he went to say bye and nothing was happening.Infact,she then put up an attitude and was talking to me in a disrespectful manner with anger and vigor.So I tried to her mother about this situation and all I got from her mother,brother and her was that am insecure and I should trust her.The guy is from the same country as them so they take him as their brother so I should even encourage him as well. So it’s like I don’t have control over this anymore because my girlfriend and this guy are still communicating like never before even though she knows I don’t like it and have told her countless times to stay away from him.After the room incident she decided to stay away as she said and moved in with me for a while.To my greatest surprise,she always leave the apartment,saying she’s going for dance rehearsal at which at the end she will visit him . I got to know this because her brother now stays with the guy in the same apartment and he told me.I confronted her and she said she has been going there to see her brother. We had a fight and she packed her things and left.Now am thinking she went to her apartment only for me to know that she went to stay at her brother’s apartment instead of her own and her brother as I said stays with this guy.I went there,spoke to her and asked her to return home with me she told me she will come hen she’s ready.Why aren’t you at your own place,she answered nothing.I tried my best but she stayed there over a week until her mother had to tell her to leave the place before she could come back to my place.Now she delete every message or call from her phone with this guy. Another issue again is,two nights ago ,this strange number woke us up at around 8am.She said the call is from her friend’s boyfriend who just called her to check on her and that her friend gave him my girlfriend’s number so that whenever he calls her and can’t reach her,he should call my girlfriend.That was the silly excuse.Fortunately,the guy called again and I picked the call and spoke with him.He said my girlfriend and him met and she gave him her number that’s why he’s calling and that he don’t even know any other friend or dating a her friend and he’s sorry to disturb. Am seriously lost right now and I don’t know what to do. I have dated her for 4yrs and never ever cheated on her or put anyone else above her.Gave her everything but don’t know what else I should do.We have had countless of discussions which are always unfruitful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating is competitive. 😉 She’s seeing this other guy and telling you she’s not because she either doesn’t want the conflict that comes with cheating on a relationship, or she doesn’t want to break up with you and wants to keep you in the game — or, she’s too lazy to break up with you, so she’s letting the relationship between the two of you to play out.

Trying to control her behavior is going to result in conflict, as you’ve found out. You can try to press her to tell you the truth, and she’s going to get angry that you’re pressing her and you’re going to get angry that she’s not being truthful and that you’re in this dynamic. It’s going to spiral downward, so stop backing her into a corner. It’s a no win situation. You already know what you know, now you have to decide what to do about it. 😉 It’s unpleasant, but a much freer place from which to make decisions.

Your choices are to compete with him for her and try to win her back, or decide she’s really not ready for the commitment to you you thought she was and that she wants to play the field (as it comes along), or that this other guy is her Mr. Right, not just her Mr. Right Now. You can leave her because you want a different type of relationship or you can let it play out. But from the way you’ve described your feelings, it doesn’t sound like you want to have any part of her being with someone else, which leaves you fewer options. Since you’re not going to get a confession from her, stop pushing for one. She’s not behaving like someone who’s faithful or who puts your feelings first, or the relationship first, so I think it’s time for you to move on.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Cadabra2510]

Hello..thanks for the insight you gave me. I called her up yesterday and tried to have a conversation AGAIN about all that is happening and put everything on a white tray Infront of her.I tried to let her be in my position so she could understand the pain am going through.Surprisingly, she didn’t say anything and just pretended as if all was ok. Now,I can’t talk to her mother or brother about this anymore because they kind of favor the idea of her and the guy interacting,telling me the guy is the same nationality as them so they’ve taken him as a brother and am insecure,jealous and not trusting her. Even though I tried to make them understand that this has nothing to do with what they’re thinking of me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]You can try to press her to tell you the truth, and she’s going to get angry that you’re pressing her and you’re going to get angry that she’s not being truthful and that you’re in this dynamic. It’s going to spiral downward, so stop backing her into a corner.[/quote]

You backed her into a corner. It didn’t work out well for you. 😳

Here’s the rest of the advice I gave you last time you wrote — I think if you re-read them, they’ll make more sense to you now. 😉 Here you go:

[quote]Your choices are to compete with him for her and try to win her back, or decide she’s really not ready for the commitment to you you thought she was and that she wants to play the field (as it comes along), or that this other guy is her Mr. Right, not just her Mr. Right Now. You can leave her because you want a different type of relationship or you can let it play out. But from the way you’ve described your feelings, it doesn’t sound like you want to have any part of her being with someone else, which leaves you fewer options. Since you’re not going to get a confession from her, stop pushing for one. She’s not behaving like someone who’s faithful or who puts your feelings first, or the relationship first, so I think it’s time for you to move on. [/quote]

I know this is tough, but I hope you’ll take a second look at this advice. Let me know if you have any other questions. 🙂

[Sally]

This isn’t about insecurity anymore. Too many things don’t line up. The late nights, the hiding calls, the lies that keep changing, the anger when you ask real questions. People who are innocent don’t usually act like they’re cornered.

The hardest part is you’ve tried. You talked. You asked. You gave space. And nothing changed. That’s not because you didn’t explain it well enough. It’s because she’s choosing not to protect the relationship.

Love shouldn’t make you feel this small or this unsure all the time. Four years is a long time, I know. But don’t let history trap you in something that’s breaking your peace.
Sometimes the answer shows up before we’re ready to accept it. Take care of yourself right now. That matters more than proving anything.

[Member]

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