[Cha]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 8 months. When we first met he would drink a lot and go out with his friends. I would call him a lot while he was doing this and he wouldn’t answer so I would get nervous. One time his parents and I went to go pick him up from a bar because he was drunk. I don’t like taking care of him when he’s drunk because I don’t think he should’ve been drinking in the first place and it makes me sad when he’s not in control of his faculties. There’s always this deep down fear that he will get hurt because he rides with his friends who have been drinking and I’m afraid they’ll get pulled over or that the driver will accidentally hurt someone. He’s told me he won’t drink when he goes to a friend’s birthday party but he gives into peer pressure from the host. It makes it hard for me to trust him or his friends. We’ve tried different solutions ranging from drinking in moderation to not drinking at all, but the rules seem to always get bent in the end. Now we have established that he’s not going to drink anymore, not even one drink. But he’s going to a run this week and there will be beer afterwards. He’s justifying it by saying he’s with a different group of friends and he will only drink one drink. But these are all arguments he’s used in the past. Now, any mention of alcohol at an event he is going to really makes me nervous because of peer pressure from his friends. I feel like this is hurting our relationship because it makes me not able to trust him. Am I being overly controlling in this situation? What is a realistic agreement that we can decide on?

Thanks for the help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you are being too controlling. 😳 He’s an adult, and he gets to make choices in his life. As do you! 🙂 If you don’t like taking care of him when he’s drunk, don’t. If he tells you one thing and does another, you’re dealing with someone who isn’t honest. And as you know, it’s very tough to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t honest. You’re looking for an “agreement” with him, but after 8 months of dating him, I think you know who he is, and what you’re dealing with. He really doesn’t want to stop drinking and drinking to excess — because if he did, he would. I think you’d be much happier dating someone who is more compatible with you in terms of health, honesty, character and mutual lifestyles.

I hope that helps. If you do write again, let me know how old you both are — and feel free to shoot me any other questions you have.

[Member]

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