[Ontheshore]

I am currently sitting on the fence about whether or not to break up with my semi-long time boyfriend of almost 3 years. I am trying to look at my situation realistically but I am confused and I know you have a no nonsense right to the point way. Here it goes…its long, I’ll try to make a long story not so long.

I am 22 and he is 36. We have a 2 year old son. We dated the whole time since I’ve been pregnant though only moved in together 4 months ago. We became pregnant very early in our relationship. Basically, I WANT to leave. to be very blunt we have nothing in common and moving in with him was a mistake. We have none of the same religious beliefs, none of the same morals, none of the same interests. I can’t believe we have lasted this long. He does not know how to function properly in a relationship. Thats not to say that I am perfect because I am not. His longest relationship before me had been less than a year and hes in his mid 30s! He is on medication that destroys his sex drive, although not his fault I was willing to work on it and he is not. He says he is but does not. I know he is not cheating because he never does anything. He gets up goes to work comes home, and smokes pot until he goes to bed. Not one second of his is unaccounted for and I am not even trying to look really. He is depressed, and has other disorders, which is what he is taking stuff for but its not enough. He is selfish. The apartment is not allowed to have ANYTHING I want in it at all. If its not his way its NO way. He talks down to me and has on one occasion threatened my life, although he has never hit me he has scared me and even the downstairs neighbour has complained that he scares her.

I have tried and tried and tried to make this work but it doesn’t. The only way we don’t fight is that if he is rude or mean to me I don’t tell him that I found it unacceptable and don’t wish to be treated this way. He wants me to be a happy housewife and never complain even when he treats me badly. He breaks up with me for a hours once a week almost. He’s left me on my last birthday without even telling me he was leaving. Hes abandoned our plans and had someone else tell me because he didn’t even want to call me, had me on my knees in walmart for 45 minutes looking for something that he has dropped without so much as a thank-you just a pouty face. He wouldn’t go to my graduation last year because he didn’t feel like although it was only an hour or two and very important to me. It didn’t interfere with his work and I asked him 4 months in advance, letting him know how much it would mean to me. I am raising two children and its scaring me.

If your wondering why at this point I don’t just leave its because I am stuck. I am scared for one about how leaving is going to affect our son at this age. I don’t want to traumitize him and am wondering if I should just keep my mouth shut and take the good with the bad because its part of life. He does go to work everyday and supports us. I am just concerned my son is going to grow up thinking its ok to treat women this way. Or people in general. I would stay and just work on letting the “small” stuff go if I knew it was best for our son bu I don’t know. Also financially I am screwed. I am going back to college in January (already paid and signed up) over $5000 and less income coming in and there is no way I could afford a place on my own. I have tried subsidized but unless it is an emergency there is a 3 year waiting list. My mother has offered to let me move but that environment is not much better. Plus I don’t want to be bouncing around with my on and want to offer him a stable situation.

He has some good in him and he tries in his way but is so emotionally stunted I am struggling for air. Like a lost puppy dog and can be angry at times. He loves and is amazing with his son but doesn’t understand that how he treats me will affect his son. He hates when I show too much affection and too much isn’t very much in his books. I am a very touchy feely person.

Should I grin and bare it with a smile until I can leave? Should I look for other resources so I can leave NOW! Or should I be putting more of an effort in and if so in what way can I do that? Am I not communication with him properly? How do I do that?

I don’t find him very intelligent either. I am not trying to cut him down and would never say that to him because he suffers from such low self esteem but I believe its worth mentioning because I don’t want him to seem cruel, he just doesn’t get it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Obviously, you’re very mature, and you’ve thought this through. Divorce does affect children, but so does a bad marriage. If you’re a regular reader here, you know I don’t recommend divorce when there are children unless it’s in the best interest of the children for the divorce to occur. I think, that from what you’ve written, this is the case. Your child will be better off in the long run if you can find a way to rebound.

What the divorce will do, however, is place an enormous burden on you to support your son. You need to go to court and get a child support order (it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is stable enough for you to count on without the court’s order). That will help somewhat. You also need to get a custody schedule in place so your son gets to visit with his father and maintain that relationship because that’s important. The scheduled custody time also gives you a break to work, regroup or do what you need to do without your child.

You’re not going to like my next suggestion, but as a single mother you have to do things for your child first, not yourself. I think you should go talk to your university financial aid office and ask them to refund as much of your money as they’re willing to, or defer your enrollment until you get back on your feet financially. Explain the situation. If they hear that he has threatened your life, they may be more willing to help you out. You need to get a job and you need to find a way to support yourself and your child[i] before[/i] you further your education. In fact, see if your university will employ you. Since you don’t have a good place to live, pick the lesser of all evils (probably your mother) as a temporary measure.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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