[Detroittilt999]

I recently got engaged in August, after waiting 3.5 years. I felt our relationship was getting stronger every day. She recently broke up with me over an issue that she says has been building up inside her. The issue is she feels I’m selfish and make poor decisions with money, although very small, and not that often anymore. I understand that it’s not the amount or how often, it’s that it wasn’t unnecessary. I didn’t realize that it was “building” and had this impact on our relationship. She’s the biggest sweetheart I’ve ever met…and she just snapped. We’ve been separated for 2 weeks now, and I want to make it work. I was blind to any signs, other than her getting annoyed and honestly, mildly upset. I’ve admitted that I was wrong, and apologized. I promised to stop making stupid purchases, and understand the impact of my actions. We’ve always been strong together. Every day, we’d express how much we meant to each other, and how we couldn’t live without one another. Then 1 day, it somehow stopped? I’m seeing a counselor on how to deal with this, and my issues that created this blowup. I need to know if she is willing to work things out? How everything we’ve gone through together…good and bad (90% good) is worth nothing now? Can she really just shut me out? Why say yes less than 4 months ago and act like she was the happiest woman in the world if this was such a building problem? In 36 years, I’ve never loved someone as much as her! I’m lost. I need to know how to get through to her.

[AskApril Masini]

The problem is that you were together for three and a half years, which is a long time, so she knows you pretty well. In other words, you did get through to her. It’s unfortunate that she “suddenly snapped” and wasn’t able to talk to you about your spending and how it affected her, prior to snapping. This means you’re not the only one with a problem. You seem to have a spending problem, but she has a problem communicating. This means it’s going to be very hard for you to “get through to her”, as you put it.

The good news is that you’re taking care of your problem. Hopefully you’re doing it because you think it’s the right thing for you to do no matter who you’re with — not just as a hollow attempt to get her back. But if you really do have a spending problem, it’s not going to get better overnight. It’s a process. But you’re working on it. 😀

The real problem, though, is not your spending problem. It’s her inability to talk to you about the problem rather than just blowing up and leaving. You can’t fix her, and if she doesn’t want to work on this problem with you, there’s not a lot you can do.

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