[RCL34]

I invited my SO of 2 years to travel abroad with me to meet my extended family this coming summer. I told him it was up in the air because of logistics and family issues, but that my parents and I would like for him to meet my extended family. I need to confirm with him soon as we are buying tickets next month. However, my family is still recovering from the death of my grandfather and there are many underlying family ‘feuds’ that I did not realize were brewing when I invited my SO. Is there I way I can tell him he may want to wait for another time to visit my family? I realize this is ‘uninviting’ him to our trip abroad and he was very excited to go so I hate to hurt his feelings. However, I don’t want to introduce new dynamics to my extended family fresh after a death. My family wants to meet him too, but I feel like I will be introducing him at a very tense time.
Please help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to disinvite him, then do it clearly and apologetically. Tell him that you’re very sorry, but you are disinviting him from the family trip because your family needs time to heal from the death of your grandfather, before you’re comfortable introducing him. In addition, you can tell him that you’re embarrassed of the family’s feuds and you just aren’t ready to deal with that embarrassment right now.

On the other hand… if you are serious about him, and these family feuds are part of your family dynamic, he might as well know what he’s getting into, and you should see if he can handle this kind of thing. But, of course, it’s your choice. 😉

[RCL34]

April,

My boyfriend of 2 years, “Jake”, is in a tight-knit group of guys who used to be part of a club sport in college. My college didn’t have Greek life, so this particular club is the closest the college actually has to fraternity, and they act like it. I get along with a majority of people in Jakes’ life, except for a lot of his friends from this club. I am not a shy person, but when it comes to big groups, I do get intimidated; Jake’s friends always hang out in big groups and either drink or watch sports (or both). To top it off, Jake is not very good about introducing me. He talks about me often and often feels like it is obvious who I am when talking to his friends. When he does though, he often expects me to pick up the conversation by myself (which I do in other situations), but I am just not good at with this group, since they all seem to know each other very well and don’t seem to care to get to know me. He also likes to mingle, and leave me alone for short while when we are with a group, so I am stuck sitting there alone, not talking to anyone. I don’t think they dislike me, but I also don’t think they like me since they just don’t know me. They also don’t really make a huge effort to talk to me since they have a whole group of close friends right by so why bother talking to an outsider? I am increasingly worried about this since I only really got along with one famously friendly guy, “Mike”, but now he is moving to another state in a week. Please help! I love Jake and want to get along with people who he cares about and are important to him. I also want his friends to feel comfortable when they visit the apartment Jake and I will eventually move into. Please help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like they’re a bunch of guys who aren’t really interested in meeting each others’ girlfriends, and that they don’t really dislike you as much as they don’t know you and don’t make an effort. This is only becoming an issue now, from what you’ve written, because the one friend of your boyfriend with whom you got along well, is moving away. Now, you’re on your own with this group. You want to be close with them — or even just feel included — but they don’t share your feelings.

My advice is to adjust your attitude and your behavior so you don’t feel so anxious. You can’t make them want to know you, but you can be okay with the way things are, since it seems like things with you and your boyfriend are fine. Watch a group of animals together and you’ll see that they’re often less interested in each other as they are in parallel play. Every now and then they’ll interact, but for the most part, they’re acting individually in a pack. Try and mimic that behavior. And if you don’t have a great fit with them, that’s okay. Just showing up and trying to find your place, whether it’s sipping a glass of wine and going over your emails, if you can’t get conversation going with them, or offering to make cookies or do something separate from what they’re doing, are both ways to be part of the group. Make sure that if they do approach you, you’re upbeat and polite. Not everyone gets accepted into a longstanding group just because of an alliance with someone in the group. They may need to see your allegiance over time. Which leads me to the bottom line: Be patient. Your relationship with these guys will evolve if you let it. 😉

[Sally]

The kindest thing you can do is be honest without over-explaining. You didn’t trick him, and you didn’t change your feelings. The situation changed. That happens in real life. Tell him that when you invited him, you didn’t realize how raw everything would still be with your family, and that you’re realizing now it might not be the right first moment for him to meet everyone. Make it about timing, not about him.

Let him know you still want him to meet them, just not in the middle of grief and tension. If he’s a good partner, he might be disappointed, but he’ll understand you’re trying to protect everyone, including him.
It’s okay to adjust plans when reality shows up. You’re not doing anything wrong.

[Member]

Posts