[StillLearning]

Hi April.

I have been involved casually and not so casually with this guy for almost 2 years. He has been involved with another woman as well. He has basically had his cake and been eating it too. This other woman is very possessive and also works with him. She knows about me or at least suspected and leaves things at his house for me to find. Recently, she drove by his house when I was there and threw a fit with him later. Well, I reached a breaking point 3 weeks ago (shortly after her drive by) and told him I wasn’t going to be around and I needed time to think. He waited 2 weeks and text me saying he missed me and he trusted me and didn’t want to lose me. I basically told him the same thing back. It wasn’t a long conversation because it was late at night. There was a little more to the conversation but that is the major highlights. I didn’t contact him over the past week and he finally contacted me again Thursday night. It was VERY late then and I really think he was trying to get his liquid courage up. He asked me to come over and I responded if that invitation had included dinner I might have considered it. He never text me back and I didn’t say anymore. This other woman hasn’t been giving him a moments peace since her drive by and I’m sure she is monopolizing his time over the weekend. He hates confrontation (who does except attorneys) and avoids them until he snaps. I’m not contacting him, he is doing all the contact, but I’m just curious if I’m doing the right thing. I’m not giving ultimatums, not insisting he get rid of the other woman (which will be necessary to have a successful relationship) and I pretty much told him no booty calls–It’s a date or nothing at all. I haven’t seen him since I told him I wasn’t going to be around, however, that is going to change next week. It is unavoidable. I intend to be nice and sweet but also make sure he knows I’m not backing down. I know you aren’t a mind reader, but from your experience and knowledge, do you feel that my method will get him to come back? I miss him but I need more and won’t settle for less anymore. It has been LONG enough. I would really appreciate your advice. I already have your book Think and Date Like a Man. Reading it for the 2nd time, just would like your advice on my specific issue.

Thank you.

StillLearning

[April Masini, your AskApril]

A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and this guy is showing you his true colors. He’s not going to change, and he’s being very clear with you about that. The changing is yours to do! 😆 You’re on the right track, and I can tell that you’re using [i]Think & Date Like A Man[/i] [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], to help you make the necessary changes to find Mr. Right. But read ALL the chapters and don’t just apply them to this guy. Open your world up to include other men.

This guy is not ready to be your Mr. Right. 🙁 Look for someone who IS ready and don’t settle for less or choose someone who isn’t that guy and then expect him to be someone he’s not.

I hope that helps.

Get more advice by posing your questions on my AskApril.com Facebook group page at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your reply. It builds my confidence knowing you feel I’m on the right track. I appreciate your advice and take it seriously. FYI, he called again Saturday night to see how I have been and he asked me over, but by his tone he knew that I wasn’t going to do it. He hasn’t given up, but I’m not backing down either. He makes the adjustments or forget it. I deserve better and I’m going to get it! Thank you again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I could help, but YOU’RE the one who’s doing the good (and hard) work! 😀 Keep it up! And use Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] as a guide if you feel like you’re going off course. I think that by re-reading a chapter or two, you’ll get back on track.

See you on Facebook! [url][/url]! 🙂

[Celeste]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you! He’s doing what you said, having his cake and eating it too. From the sound of things, the other woman might be a relationship of his, one that he is not committed to since he is trying to get a hold of you, but refuses to take you on a date, so he plans on keeping you on the side while still having this other girl as well. April is right, this guy is not going to change and the road you are on is one that will help you very much, both in keeping you from getting hurt and keeping you out of unnecessary drama. Good on ya! You’re well on your way to moving on and finding someone who will want to commit to YOU, not just keep you on the side.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Applause! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

This guy’s been juggling you and another woman for two years. That’s not confusion; that’s a pattern. He’s comfortable getting emotional support and attention from you while still keeping his options open. That “I miss you” text after two weeks wasn’t a turning point it was a check to see if you’re still available.

You’ve already made the smartest move by stepping back and setting standards: no late-night visits, no casual “booty call” energy. But the truth is, if you want a healthy, respectful relationship, it’s probably not going to be with him. Like April said, he’s shown you who he is your power now is in believing him. You’re doing the right thing by walking away, not by hoping he’ll come back.

[Tara]

You’re one half of a circus act he’s been running for two years. He’s not torn, conflicted, or confused. He’s comfortable. He gets sex, attention, and emotional cushioning from two women who both tolerate his cowardice, and he’s done absolutely nothing to earn either of you.

You think you’re being strategic by pulling back, waiting for him to “choose,” setting boundaries, and acting sweet-but-strong. No. You’re negotiating with someone who benefits from keeping you exactly where you are: convenient, forgiving, and still orbiting him.

This man doesn’t need to “come back” because he never left he just floats between whichever woman is easier at the moment. When you stepped back, he sent a couple of weak late-night texts, not because he missed you, but because his ego got hungry. And when you didn’t jump at a booty call, he vanished. That’s not love.

That’s a man annoyed that his usual script stopped working. The other woman isn’t the problem either she’s just as stuck and delusional as you are, clinging to someone who gives neither of you stability or commitment. You’re both fighting over a prize that isn’t worth winning.

[Natalie Noah]

Two years of sharing a man with someone else, watching him juggle, justify, avoid conflict… it wears your spirit down. And the hardest part is that she’s been accepting crumbs while hoping they’d magically turn into a whole meal. Her stepping back, setting boundaries, refusing late-night invitations that was the first time she honored herself. That’s why he reached out. Not because he suddenly became a better man… but because the convenience he was used to was gone.

She’s not dealing with someone confused or overwhelmed. she’s dealing with someone who enjoys the comfort of two women fighting for him. If he wanted to choose her, he would have. If he wanted to end the drama, he would have. His actions already answered her question. So my advice, gently but honestly, is this: she’s doing the right thing by standing firm, but the goal shouldn’t be to get him back… it should be to get herself back. She deserves a man who shows up without being pushed, without games, without another woman haunting the relationship. She deserves peace, not competition.

[Sally]

if a man really wants you fully, openly, proudly you’re not gonna be sharing him with another woman for two years. You’re not gonna be waiting around for late-night texts and “maybe” plans. And you sure won’t have to deal with drive-bys and drama just to keep a place in his life.

I get missing him. I get why it’s hard to let go. But he’s had every chance to choose you, and he keeps choosing the easy situation instead the one where he gets comfort from both of you and gives commitment to neither.

You being calm and firm is the right move. But the point isn’t to get him back. It’s to see what he does when he can’t use you for convenience.
If he steps up on his own, you’ll know.

If he doesn’t… then you finally know that too.
Just don’t lose yourself waiting for a man who keeps standing in two worlds. You deserve someone who knows exactly where he wants to be and acts like it.

[Serena Vale]

You’re doing the right thing. Honestly, this guy has been enjoying the best of both worlds for way too long, you, and the other woman. He never had to choose because you were always there. Now that you’re pulling back, he suddenly “misses” you. That’s not real change, that’s fear of losing his comfort.

His late-night calls, the “come over” invitations… that’s not effort. That’s convenience.

And you’re smart for not falling for it.

You’ve finally shown him you’re not settling for being the extra person in his life. That’s why he’s trying harder now, he feels the shift.

Will this make him come back?
Maybe. But what matters more is how he comes back. If he doesn’t cut off the other woman and choose you fully, nothing will change.

So keep doing exactly what you’re doing:
calm, kind, but firm.

If he steps up, great. If he doesn’t, you already know you deserve better, and you’ll get it.

Stay strong. You’re finally choosing yourself, and that’s the real win here.

[Member]

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