[waitin2exhale41]

Dear April,

I met a guy online. He is handsome and from the islands like me. He is also rough around the edges, kind of hostile, aggressive and almost demeaning in the way he spoke and expressed himself. We agreed to meet after about two weeks, but I backed out at the last minute due to not feeling comfortable by his lack of answering certain questions I posed to him, or because of the red flags i saw right from the start. He lives in Atlanta I in Tampa. He run a barber shop. When he initially gave me his first name he told me to google him,which i had intended to do anyway, and so I did not like too much of the information I saw, especially as it seemed he is married. We fell out due to my backing out of that first meeting.
After about two weeks we reconnected at my initiation on the site. Eventually I again agreed to go meet him. Again the red flags stood out and things didnt add up, but for some strange reason I couldnt set aside the thoughts of this guy when we had fallen out. So here we were again setting up to meet.
Last weekend I drove to Atlanta to finally meet him. He was even better looking in person.we agreed to meet at his barbershop. He was obviously intoxicated but we connected just as we had in the last week. The guy had been calling me various times of the days for a week and a half prior to meeting and more often in the week leading up to meeting. on the drive up he checked in on me almost every one to two hours, even when he had me timed for the arrival and i diverted to burger king, he called and left a message. He had plans to take me places and we would do things. However here and there he would conflict these plans.
When I arrived he had on a wedding band on his ring finger. Insisted he was not married and it was a ring his grandmother gave his ex wfe an he retrieved it after the divorce. This guy had all the answers and said all the right things. Things I knew sounded like BS, or didnt add up, yet I stayed around him. Doubting myself, thinking I was over evaluating, or over analyzing, or taking things out of context. I have trust issues and for once in a long time I wanted to not doubt what someone was telling me.
We went to the hotel. A different hotel than the one he said we would go to, instead it turned out to be the original hotel he had planned to go to. He slept over. All night from near 11 until into early morning after five when he had nt fell asleep snoring, he woke making advances to have sex. He even insisted on oral sex on me and pushed his way down and held me legs down to do so.not violently but with an insistence. He did the same early in the morning when i woke to him on my back and his penis about to enter me. I pretty much laid there while he had sex with me. He did not hold me down violently but he used strngth. He had been drinking more after getting to the hotel but I did not have a drink at all. We spent a few hours just laying in bed chatting and he got up t leave for his shop. We got into a disagreement because he insisted passive aggressive that i stay in the hotel and he would return after about tow hours, and bring me something to eat at that time. He ended up leaving and not returning. At all. I began to wonder if it was my fault for getting an attitude at him wanting me to remain in the hotel evening insisting i didnt need to go sightseeing or anything. I began to wonder if after waking in the morning he now thought I was not pretty enough for anyone to see him with me, contrary to him showing me off the night before. I start to think about all the messages I saw on his phone as he laid next to me checking them not realizing I could see his phone, and then leaving his phone in the bathroom and I saw messages someone had just recently had a baby boy for him, when he told me he only had two boys 16 and 12. the 12 year old stayed with him.
I called him numerous times during the day on Saturday after he left wanting to find out when he was returning. He either said he would in a few or he was in a meeting and would call me back. I drove by the shop and saw once or twice that calling him he looked at the phone and didnt answer. He stopped by the shop twice and both times he rushed me off back to the hotel. Later on as I watched him close the shop after 10:30 pm I called him and for hours he said he was coming, even saying he had been by 30 minutes before I called him.He never came. After 3:30 am i called and he started to argue, telling me it was because of my calling and basically saying he didnt come all day and night because of my constant calling to his phone asking when he was coming. He started raising his voice so I put the phone down for him to talk and i laid on the bed. he hung up after i wasnt answering him. He called back three times before i answered almost 30 minutes later asking me to go to the shop to meet him. I walked to the front desk and noted to the clerk where i was going as she and i had talked earlier that night. The security officer offered to follow behind me to make sure i was okay noting his aggression toward me. When i got to the shop, he was STILL in the same clothes from Friday night! This time of the morning was into Sunday morning. He noticed the security hotel’s van and became very very upset. He argued and argued. He refused to give me enough money for gas to return to FL. All he did was argue about the van following me, escorting me. He eventually threw enough money on the chair for me to get gas he said. I asked him to please pick it up and hand it to me with manners as I was not a hooker, etc. He jumped from is chair raising his voice and started bellowing at me, arguing, cussing. I became nervous and uncomfortable, as tears started building.I walked out of the shop and drove back to the hotel crying. I informed the clerk what had taken place. By just after 5:30 he called. I didnt answer but instead got on the phone with the clerk. He didnt call back.
I woke the morning and though texted and called him about gas back to FL, he never replied. A guy I met on Friday night who was his new business partner and also general manager of the hotel, eventually came to the hotel to talk to me. Many things he revealed were in contrary to what the guy had told me about himself. Seems the only thing that was right was his first name and the location of his barbershop. The guy helped me with gas back to Fl saying he did not talk to my guy but he wanted to help me. He told me my guy could not possibly drive as he had trouble with a DUI. He told me other things that were not actually too surprising but included that he was in partnership with him for the shop and not the removal business as my guy had said. He said he “believed” the last name I was given was the last name my guy used on the agreement. He noted the barbershop was an absolute mess and deplorable state before he stepped in on the partnership. When I mentioned his ring he told me he wasnt sure whether he was married, and he had never seen my guy act the way toward anyone as he did towards me, maybe because I embarrassed him. He denied saying anything negative or derogatory about me as had been said to me by my guy who said his business partner had told him he needed to get rid of me, to get me back to FL very fast, etc. He said he does not talk about peoplein that manner and he doesnt know me to speak of me that way, neither does he know my guy for any length of time, that he was actually a friend of the hotel’s owner who refused to go into the barbershop as a partner so he the GM did so. I eventually left for Fl, full of questions, hurt and feeling used but more confused than anything else. What had I gotten myself into? What happened and where did it all fall apart? Was I to blame, as my guy assured me of? Was I a psycho, crazy and had to get myself together? I think I knew many of the answers to my questions related to me were nos, but it didnt feel that way. I saw all the signs, I had all of my answers within hours of googling this guy the first time around, yet I persisted. Along the drive I texted the GM who obliged me with answers.
Monday I woke feeling sorry for myself still. He had still not replied to any of my texts. I started to use the information I had found two weeks before to try to locate his “wife” to find whether he was married for sure,and anything else I could find. The shops business license was out since 2011, he and his “wife” had a foreclosure earlier this year, he seemed to have a criminal record, and his name was the same nae of his wife, although she too used the same last name he had given me, seemingly they used both last names. Out of a FB friend request, a telephone message and an email message, she replied to my email. He was married! For 13 years but together for 14 with a 12 year old son. They three lived together. The shop is hers.He lied to me she said. When I shared about the new baby, she said “he need to get a DNA for that one” and to my revelation of him having sex with me “i hope he used a condom or you get an AIDS test”. I freaked out. In between these messages her tone changed, and by the time I wrote asking whether he really has AIDS, she wrote to say “this will be our last communication. Bye Bye” as if she was mocking me. She never replied. Later he texted after I refused his two calls, calling me “stalker”. Then saying she refused my FB request and wanted me to stop calling her phone. I told him it didnt matter as I had already gotten a reponse from her and had sent those at the same time as the email trying to connect to her to find him out, although she asked who it was on the phone by text. i sent her the same photos i did to her email not realizing it was HER even though she replied wrong number. It wasnt until he said she wanted me to stop calling that i knew she had lied saying it was the wrong number. He then wrote he was not going to answer me anymore. I toold him I didnt tell his nasty lying self to call or text me anyway. I have not heard from him since. This was Monday.
I feel like such a fool. An absolute fool. How could I be SO stupid?! Still this week I searched on FB trying to find more answers, like an idiot. I found a cousin who turned out to be one he told me is his brother. The cousin shared that he heard he goes by the last name he gave me. He shared they grew up together and yes he calls him brother though they are cousins. He also shared that he has often told him he should be forthright with people. He said little to my messages but what he replied was compounded. Again the questions were/are…why ME? Why mess with MY head? Why convince me to drive over seven hours to see you when you knew you were playing a game, were lying, is married? Did he want ex that badly, or just sex from ME? This guy said all the right things. Always asking if I like him. Telling me he love me although I laughed each time telling him stop talking trash; posing in the mirror saying how good we look together, he was going to marry ME. On and On. I feel like a woman who was married for her money and got swindled by the groom who took off and never came back.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What happened? Here’s what happened. You met a guy the internet who you thought was married, and when you drove to another state to date him him, he had on a wedding ring and was drunk. You went to a hotel with him anyway, had sex with him, stalked him when he didn’t return to the hotel as promised, and demanded money from him, then started stalking his wife. I know you don’t see it that way, but that’s what happened.

Here’s my advice:

1. Do not date anyone you meet on the internet. You don’t have a trust problem — you have a problem taking care of yourself. Knowing that, you should only date people you know, or meet through friends you know.

2. Do not have sex on the first date. Ever. I’m guessing you didn’t use protection. You should count yourself lucky to be alive. What happened to you was bad, but it could have been a lot worse.

3. If a guy is wearing a wedding band, and you think he’s married, he’s married. Next!

I think if you stick to those three rules, you should do a lot better than you have been.

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