[lostchick45]

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month now. We text each other everyday and hang out at least once a week. I can honestly see myself in a relationship with this guy. But he says he isn’t looking for anything too serious because he just got out a long term relationship. That’s all the details I know about that. I know he cares/likes me because he wouldn’t be putting the effort to see me (skip practice or go out right after he has a long day of work). He’s even given me his clothes and gets bothered when I joke about talking to other people. However, not putting a label on us has been bothering me lately. If he doesn’t want a relationship or label us as dating, then what is he doing with me? Could he be talking to other girls as well? I know the longer I see him the more I’ll develop feelings for him. But he seems to be emotionally unavailable right now. Should I ask him about his ex or is it too early to have that talk? Wouldn’t it be best to move on before I get hurt if I continue to feel this way?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how old you are, which always helps me give advice — so tell me if you write here again! 🙂 Basically, this guy told you he’s just dating you casually, and you’re looking for reasons to disbelieve him. 😮 You shouldn’t. Believe him. His not putting a label on the two of you after only a month of dating, and being clear that he’s not interested in a relationship is very clear, and frankly, appropriate. You should use the first three months of dating to figure out if you even want to continue dating someone. Putting a label on something that soon, is premature. 😉

[quote]If he doesn’t want a relationship or label us as dating, then what is he doing with me? [/quote]

He may be lonely. He may enjoy dating. He may like you and want to have fun. And you’re willing! 😉

[quote]Could he be talking to other girls as well? [/quote]

Yes.

[quote]I know the longer I see him the more I’ll develop feelings for him. But he seems to be emotionally unavailable right now. Should I ask him about his ex or is it too early to have that talk? [/quote]

I’d wait for him to bring it up.

[quote]Wouldn’t it be best to move on before I get hurt if I continue to feel this way?[/quote]

It really depends on what you want. If you want a relationship with someone who is ready to commit to you, and he’s telling you, point blank, that he’s not that guy, then it would be wise to move on. 😉

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[lostchick45]

Thanks April!
I’m 19 and he’ll be 22 soon. If he’s talking to other girls doesn’t that give me the right to talk to other people to?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not about you having a “right” to talk to other guys — because this isn’t really a legal situation where peoples’ “rights” are being debated. 😉 When you use the term “rights” in the context of dating, it sounds like you want an ethical resolution or set of rules to follow. The reality is that you’re 19 and he’s 21, and you’re both single! You’ve been dating each other for a month. It’s not only normal, but it’s prudent for both of you to be considering other people at this point. Like I said before, you should use the first three months of dating someone to decide if you want to continue seeing them. When you start putting limits on each other, you’ve got problems. So rather than see it as your “right” to talk to other guys because he’s talking to other women — as if it’s a tit for tat or a payback — consider that you’re both getting to know each other, and there’s no commitment (nor should there be) at the one month mark of dating. 😉 In addition, if you know that he’s talking to other women, you should understand that he hasn’t made a commitment to you, and that’s good information for you — at any stage in a relationship! Rather than get angry about it, decide how you want to proceed in a positive way. 😉 🙂

I hope that clarifies a little more for you. 😀

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[lostchick45]

Hey April! I’ve (20/f) been dating this guy(24/m) for about 6 months. In the first month he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he didn’t have the time and felt he wasn’t finanial stable-meaning he wasn’t able to buy random things and spoil me. However, we’ve been exclusively dating now and telling others we aren’t available. We both have conflicting schedules with school, work, etc. but we always make time to see each other at least once a week. Moreover, I could careless if he isn’t able to buy me random things. I want the label. I want to be able to call him my boyfriend and for him to tell others I’m his girl. We briefly talked about our status before, he just said we were practically an unofficial couple. Is it wrong of me to want this? It only has been 6 months….a contributing factor to my feelings would probably be of his reminders of the girls who hit on him at work, previous girls who tried to get at him, etc. I’m not jealous but if you constantly remind me that you can get anyone else, I’m not going to be secure about this relationship. Perhaps me wanting a label is from the need to feel secure about the relationship? If so should I bring up the relationship talk? It’s clearly bothering me but is it too soon? Am I just being insecure and overthinking? Thank you for your help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Never bring up “the talk”. Guys hate it, and when you do it, it’s because you’re trying to leverage a commitment from them that you know you don’t have, or you wouldn’t be having “the talk”. 😉

It sounds like you want a commitment, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But there are a couple of things you can do to find a committed, romantic relationship, that are more productive than having “the talk”. 😉 First, understand that dating is competitive. In fact, even if you marry, there are temptations in life that certain individuals in certain circumstances will succumb to. So rather than hate the game, win it. Be competitive, and try to win a guy over, not tell him what he should feel or what he should do — because that’s going to just send him running.

Second, believe the guy if he’s acting or telling you he’s not that into you. If you feel that you’re not at the stage in the relationship you’d like to be at six months, which is usually when you should decide whether or not you want to be monogamous, then consider either upping your own game or playing the field and looking elsewhere for that commitment.

Third, look for a guy who wants a commitment and is at the same place in his life, and/or has the same values that you do. Lots of guys don’t want to commit at all during their 20s, and some do. The trick is to figure out what kind of person he is, and where he is in his life. 😉

However…..when you describe his particular behavior that’s bothering you, like his reminding you that he could get other girls if he wanted to, this sounds like it could be insecurity on his part. I know you’re talking about your own insecurity, but consider that his need to remind you he could be with other women is his own insecurity. Are you someone who makes him feel great about himself? Because that’s what guys like. They want to know that they’re your knight in shining armor! 😎 They want to know that they make you feel great, and happy and that they can solve your problems. Because he is acting committed, by not dating other people, but saying things that are making you uncomfortable, consider that this isn’t about you — but it may very well be about him. Try giving him a lot more support in terms of complimenting him, flirting with him and just making him feel great about himself, and see if it doesn’t affect your relationship with him in a positive way.

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[lostchick45]

I never thought about it that way. Thanks April! =)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear you really like this guy and feel a connection, but he has been upfront that he isn’t ready for a serious relationship. That’s an important detail to honor. His behavior texting daily, seeing you once a week, sharing clothes, and showing some possessiveness doesn’t automatically equal commitment. People can show care and interest without being emotionally available or ready for a relationship. It’s important to separate affection and attention from long-term intentions.

Your desire for a label and for clarity is completely valid. Wanting to call someone your boyfriend and have a defined relationship is not “wrong” or unreasonable, even at six months. But it’s also normal that he’s still cautious because he’s coming out of a long-term relationship and has his own emotional baggage. The issue isn’t that you’re being insecure; it’s that your needs and expectations for the relationship are not aligned with his current readiness.

The fact that he reminds you of other women hitting on him is a red flag. This behavior isn’t a test of your feelings; it can unintentionally undermine your sense of security and create anxiety. Even if he isn’t consciously trying to make you insecure, sharing this repeatedly can destabilize trust. Relationships thrive on mutual reassurance, and if he isn’t meeting you there, it’s okay to acknowledge that his actions are affecting your emotional well-being.

It’s too early to dive into “the talk” about serious commitment or to question him about his ex. At this stage, it’s better to observe patterns over time and notice how he behaves in real-life contexts, not just hypotheticals. Trying to push him into a label when he isn’t ready will likely create tension or cause him to pull away. Instead, focus on what the relationship looks like practically: is it fulfilling? Do you feel respected, safe, and appreciated? That’s more important than the label for now.

You need to consider your own boundaries and deal-breakers. If being in an undefined, casual relationship is making you anxious or stressed, it may be healthier to step back. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more; it doesn’t mean you’re insecure or overthinking it means you understand your emotional needs. At the same time, dating someone who isn’t ready for the same level of commitment can only go so far without causing hurt.

My overall advice is to slow down and observe. Enjoy the connection without overanalyzing it or trying to force a commitment. Give him space to come around if he chooses, but also give yourself permission to step back if this situation continues to make you anxious. Remember, relationships at your age should be about exploration, understanding your needs, and mutual alignment, not rushing into titles or expectations. Focus on the quality of your time together, your emotional safety, and your personal boundaries first.

[Tara]

You don’t want to face: he’s giving you just enough effort to keep you invested, but not enough commitment to be accountable. That’s not romance, that’s emotional breadcrumbing. A man who “isn’t looking for anything serious” but still wants your time,

your attention, your exclusivity, and your jealousy is telling you exactly what he is: unavailable but comfortable. He likes the benefits you give him, not the responsibility that comes with choosing you.

He’s skipping practice and giving you hoodies because it costs him nothing and keeps you hooked. Meanwhile, the minute you ask for clarity, he’ll hide behind the excuse of being “fresh out of a relationship,” because nothing protects a man from commitment like a conveniently vague backstory.

If you’re already anxious after a month, imagine how pathetic you’ll feel six months in, still waiting for him to “be ready,” while he’s casually exploring options you pretend not to see. And don’t bother asking about his ex that’s not the problem. His resistance to a label is. A man who wants you claims you. A man who doesn’t give speeches about timing.

[Natalie Noah]

You can feel the same pattern running through every stage of this story: she wants emotional clarity, and he wants emotional freedom. Even from the beginning, he told her exactly where he stood casual, not ready, not committed and she kept hoping his actions would mean more than his words. But when someone says, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you have to take that seriously, no matter how sweet they are, how much time they give you, or how close it feels. Emotional availability isn’t measured by how often someone hangs out with you, it’s measured by how ready they are to claim you. And here, he has consistently stayed just one step away from calling her his girlfriend, even though he clearly enjoys her company.

The tricky part is that he does give her attention and exclusivity but not the emotional security she needs. That’s where the confusion comes in. She wants a label not because she’s clingy or overthinking, but because she can feel the imbalance: he gets the comfort of a relationship without the responsibility, while she carries the anxiety of a relationship without the clarity. And those little comments he makes about girls who flirt with him? That’s not confidence that’s insecurity. He wants her to feel lucky to have him, instead of making her feel chosen by him. That dynamic creates the restless feeling inside her chest like she’s close to something real, but can’t quite hold it.

What she really needs isn’t to ask for “the talk” it’s to shift her mindset. Instead of trying to convince him to choose her, she needs to choose herself first. If a label matters to her and it clearly does then she deserves someone who sees her worth without hesitation, not someone she has to “earn” commitment from. Her heart already knows the truth: if she stays hoping he’ll change, she’ll get attached deeper and feel more insecure. The healthiest path is this: stop asking what he wants, and start asking whether his version of connection matches her needs. If the answer is no then moving on isn’t giving up. It’s protecting her heart before it gets bruised in ways she can’t recover from quickly.

[Member]

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