[SidneyD]

Hi. I have a massive decision to make. I have been married for 14 years and have 2 great kids. However my wife and I have nothing in common any more and have been drifting apart for a couple of years. Our sex life is almost non existent.
I recently started a relationship with a much younger woman from work (26 years age difference, I’m 47, she’s 21). I know it sounds like a mid life crisis cliché, but we have know each other for a couple of years and we’ve always got on well.
I can’t keep hiding this from my wife as it’s not fair on her, however I feel I should make the effort in my marriage, even if it’s just for the sake of the kids.
Does that sound like the right choice? Or should I accept that my marriage had ran it’s course and move on. I know that the other relationship is unlikely to work due to the age gap, so that wouldn’t be the reason for me leaving, it’s just brought to my attention how bad things have been at home ad this is the first time I’ve cheated in the 18 years I’ve been with my wife.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s difficult to know whether this affair is the real thing or a symptom of the problems you’re having in your marriage. Since you have 18 years in your marriage and two children, and it sounds like you and your wife have just faded away and stopped connecting, (there’s no trauma, abuse or real criticism, just boredom), it may be worth a shot to rejuvenate your family life. This situation is very normal. Long-term relationships and marriages are tough to sustain and they take work. If you don’t do the work, they fade like yours has. But, if you love your wife and want to try and make your marriage work, you can. It would be interesting to know if she wants to work on the marriage as well. Sometimes it just takes one of you to pick up the ball and get things going. But if she’s also looking for the exit door, that would be good to know as well. I think that because you have such an investment in your marriage, it would be a good idea to give it real try — and if it doesn’t work, then you can leave knowing you really tried. The worst situation would be leaving with regrets, so try and do what you need to do to avoid those.

[Sally]

I’ve seen this play out a lot. Staying just for the kids sounds noble, but kids are sharp. They feel the distance, the quiet tension, the roommates energy. That stuff sticks with them more than divorce does. A marriage that’s technically intact but emotionally empty isn’t the gift people think it is.

The affair didn’t create the problems. It just shined a light on how lonely you already were. That doesn’t make cheating okay, but it does mean something was already broken.

Before you decide anything, you owe your wife honesty. Not cruelty. Just truth. Then ask yourself if you want to rebuild this marriage because you truly want her, or because you’re scared of blowing up your life.

Fear isn’t a great reason to stay. Neither is a fling a great reason to go. Slow down. Be honest. Then choose the path you can live with long-term.

[Tara]

You didn’t “suddenly realize” your marriage was bad; you escaped it by sleeping with a 21-year-old because it was easier than facing your own failures at home.
Let’s dismantle your excuses one by one. “Nothing in common anymore” is a diagnosis; it’s the result of neglect. “No sex life” didn’t happen in a vacuum. You didn’t wake up one day married to a stranger; you slowly checked out, avoided hard conversations, and now you’re shocked the house is empty. That’s on you.

Now the affair. A 47-year-old man sleeping with a woman young enough to be his daughter isn’t romance, it’s ego repair. She didn’t “open your eyes”; she made you feel desirable again. That’s not a connection, that’s validation. And don’t flatter yourself thinking this is about love, it’s about novelty, power imbalance, and avoiding accountability. You already admitted it won’t last. Good. At least you’re honest about that.

Staying “for the kids” while lying to their mother is cowardice, not sacrifice. Kids don’t benefit from a household built on deceit and quiet resentment. They learn what relationships look like by watching you. Right now, you’re teaching them that avoidance, betrayal, and silence are acceptable.

Here’s the only adult path forward, and it’s going to hurt: you end the affair immediately. No “transition,” no emotional overlap, no keeping the young woman as a safety net. Then you tell your wife the truth not to dump guilt on her, but because she deserves agency over her own life. After that, you either commit fully to repairing the marriage with counseling and actual effort, or you divorce cleanly. But you do not juggle both and call it confusion.

[Member]

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