[April Masini, your AskApril]

You took two risks at once — and unfortunately, neither one paid off. 😳 First, office relationships are risky because when things don’t work out, you have to see the person every day. 😕 I know it’s awkward, but since you’re both in the same office, try and stay busy and focus on your life outside of the office, as well as the actual work in it. And second, remember that when you get involved with someone who is married, there’s always the chance you’re their rebound person or their distraction from marital problems. It sounds like he’s worked things out with his wife and now, it’s best for you to accept the disappointment and move on to focus on meeting new people to date so you don’t get stuck in an emotional rut pining over lost love. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re putting too much pressure on the relationship. Relax. You’re still married to someone else and you’ve only been dating this guy for six months, even though you’ve known him for a year and a half. It’s kind of early for him to be discussing marriage — but maybe he’s someone who is a little impulsive in general and that’s why he did it. I think it’s a little odd that he would ask for your Facebook password and then want to give you his — why wouldn’t you just want to keep those parts of your life private? I know you’re surprised that he’s been in touch with some women on Facebook, but understand that your relationship is still new, so give each other a little space and understand that he’s been dating and playing the field, not because he doesn’t like you but because it’s still early in your relationship. The fact that you’re not divorced yet may make him feel that you’re not taking this relationship as seriously as he had hoped, and so he’s hedging his bets by playing the field.

I don’t think you need to break up with him — instead, consider this as an opportunity to get to know each other further. Ask him why he wanted you to see his social media accounts and if he was trying to tell you something by wanting you to see them. And tell him you don’t want him to feel that he has to delete messages from his “friends”, but you were surprised to learn that he’s still “investing” in other women, and it was a good wake up call to realize you have competition! Get the communication going and don’t clam up because you learned something about him and your relationship that makes you uncomfortable. Explore what’s going on with him and then see how you feel about staying or going. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wait. See if he makes the first move — by not making it yourself. I know you like him and you’re anxious for him to ask you out, but unless you give him the space to do so, you won’t know if he likes you that much or not. The problem with you asking him out first is that if he accepts and you have a good time, you may find yourself right back in this situation, wondering why he isn’t being more assertive about connecting with you. I know it’s tough, but wait and let him make the first move. And if he doesn’t, move on. You can flirt with him when you see him, to let him know you’re receptive — and to give him something to chase after, but let him be the one to ask you out so you’ll really know for sure where he stands. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve only been dating for a month and half — that’s not a long time, and yet, his impending deployment makes time seem to hasten. He’s off to Iraq in a couple of weeks, and you want to be there for him without seeming needy or desperate because your relationship is so new. I get it. My advice is to give him a lot of love and don’t bring up any relationship definitions. You’re about to become part of a long-distance relationship with someone who’s going into a military deployment overseas. This is a special situation. Give affection, without commitment, and hint to him that you’re here for him and you care about him and you’re going to be in touch with him and you want to see him or be there for him when he gets home. Give him a meaningful Christmas gift, have a romantic New Year’s Eve and keep in touch with him, while still figuring out if the two of you want to continue seeing each other. I know that’s harder to do than it is to just say, but that’s your challenge! 😉 You sound like a good person who doesn’t want to hurt him, and you needn’t worry that that isn’t coming through. It is. He is in charge of his own heart, and your job is to be clear and warm and empathetic. Three things! You’re both anxious about the change in this new relationship — and if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be normal. Relax. Be present. And stay communicative without pressuring yourself or him.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since it’s only been two months…. you have to loosen up and not put pressure on the relationship, while at the same time figure out if you both want to continue seeing each other. You’re still just getting to know each other and there will normally be ebbs and flows in any relationship, but because this is new, he may be losing interest or this may just be slowing down naturally. In general, if someone wants to see you and be with you, you’ll know it because they’ll make the effort. So, if you want to see him, why not ask him out to do something — like have dinner or see a concert or go holiday shopping…. that way he’ll know you’re interested, and you’ll get a yes or a no from him in response to your offers, and those responses will give you a good clue as to just how interested he is. 😉

Texting can be misleading because while it gives you instant gratification of communication, it isn’t the same as being together and you can’t base a relationship on texts. In general, just use the texts to make plans or give short snippets of information, but not to talk about feelings…. save those for in person or on the telephone when you can interact in real time, together. I hope that helps. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like this is about you and your ex AND you and your parents. As far as your ex goes, you want to connect with him in spite of all that went wrong, and because it was a long term relationship, I think you should. People make mistakes and he behaved badly, but if this was an isolated incident, or if there was more to the story than you’re telling me, or if there was some part you played in this incident that you may not have realized yet, it will be good for both of you to talk. Relationships overcome infidelity all the time, and it’s rarely just about one person behaving badly — although it could be! So, yes, I think you should talk to him and discuss what happened, why, and if there’s a reason to get back together again or not. Just because he made an impulsive decision doesn’t mean you should, too.

As for your parents, understand that you’re all forging a new part of your adult child/parent relationship. They want you to be safe and happy and to not be hurt, or to put yourself in harm’s way. They’re angry at your boyfriend for hurting you and they see him as the problem. You have the difficult and necessary job of explaining how much you love them for caring, and how much you want them to know that you are going to do your very best to make smart choices in life, but that you need to discuss this transgression with your boyfriend and make your own decisions and that you hope that they will be understanding and supportive because you need them — even when you both disagree.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since it’s only been two dates, (this round), it’s too soon to read too much into mixed signals — especially since you’re not really getting any [i]terrible[/i] signals in the mix. If you got mixed signals for six or more dates in a row, or for three months of dating, then I’d say to play the field and don’t put too much effort into this, but since it’s really just two dates and you’re getting good as well as mediocre signals, I’d give it some time and a few more dates! If you continue to get mixed signals then move on, but with time, and getting to know each other better, you may not get so many mixed signals because she may get to realize how much she likes you. 😉 People don’t always click right away, and mixed signals early on, aren’t a sign of failure. They’re normal.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re a smart person — you’ve got a good handle on this guy, and you’ve described him really clearly. But you haven’t really said what it is you want. You said your needs aren’t being met — but what are they? It will help you to be super clear about what it is you want, so you can get it. If you’re not clear on your goals, you’re going to be fuzzy on how to get what you want.

After dating for a year and a half, this 42 year old workaholic who is monogamous, hasn’t introduced you to his friends or family or said the L word or met your daughter. You’ve described him as emotionally unavailable…. so the ball’s really in your court. You know who he is and what to expect from him. If you stay, expect more of the same.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Get her phone number from a friend or a friend of a friend — tell them you’re interested in her, and you’d like her number. This will get back to her, which is a good thing because she may be excited to hear from you. Then call her up and tell her you really enjoyed seeing her at the party and you wish you’d had a chance to talk to her. Then let her respond. This is how you get the conversation going. You can ask her about the party, if she had a good time, how her holiday is and was, and then ask if she’d like to have dinner with you. It’s that simple! 😉

Your instinct about not using social media is correct — it’s really not an attractive way to contact someone you want to make a good impression on. So, forget that — and do get her number, call her up, have a conversation and ask her to have dinner with you. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your husband is trying to do the right thing, but deep down, he’s resentful that he’s married with a child and responsibilities. Some men throw themselves into work when they have a child because it’s what they know and it’s what they think they’re supposed to do. It sounds like you feel lonely and abandoned and you’re not happy with the way your new family is structured with your husband away so much. Then, on top of all that, you feel that your husband isn’t happy to see you and he’s not behaving with your child, as you had hoped. Basically, there’s a lot of disappointment happening — both in you and your husband.

Time for a truce. The reality is both of you are justified in your feelings. And you’re in a relationship and emotional rut. You need to change course in order to get your relationship and your family back in sync. Start with empathy. Instead of coming at him with complaints — come at him with love. Get a babysitter and make a date night — or a date weekend. You have to reboot and that means getting out of the house, out of your routine of disappointment and blaming, and have a glass of wine, and decide to be a partnership, not adversaries. Tell him how much you appreciate him and specifically why. Thank him for things he does for you and the child and your family together, and tell him you understand that sometimes he’s disappointed, but you really respect that he’s getting out there and taking care of things. This change in behavior is going to melt the ice between you. Take a breath and make a bucket list together, of everything you want for 2017 for each other, for your family together, and for yourselves. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Trust your instincts. 😕

You’ve only been dating for seven months, and you’re clearly not ready for the commitment he’s offering — to live next door to his parents. He’s on a different timetable than you are, and he wants his parents right next door, which you’re not cool with — these are both deal breakers. The tough thing for many people to understand is that someone can be an awesome person, and you can love each other, but incompatibilities like timeframe and in-laws can be deal breakers. It’s a lot harder to accept these types of incompatibilities because the person is so nice and has so many great qualities. It’s easier to break up with someone who’s abusive, cheats, doesn’t want to work, or wants 12 kids when you want none– but this is more difficult because it can seem a lot more nuanced. Nonetheless, make sure you don’t compromise where you aren’t willing to. Slow it down. You’re only 22. And be true to your own values. If things don’t work out with this nice guy, there will be someone else who is more compatible when it comes to timeline and in-laws.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s probably really excited about his military career, and he feels that he can count on you to be there for him during this long distance relationship, so he’s okay with things. The trick for [i]you[/i] is to find something meaningful to occupy your time when you’re not with him so that you can have a rich life while he’s away, as well as a happy romance. 😉 Focus on your career, your volunteer work, any school you attend — whatever commitment you want to make to yourself and your life will help you not be needy and lonely because he’s away, and it will support you while you’re in a long distance relationship.

Long distance relationships are tricky and their success requires both people to be independent, loyal and understanding. You’ve got the loyalty part down — now, see if you can work on being independent enough to balance your feelings. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve got competition! 😉 He’s stopped contacting you because he met someone else he’s dating. If you want him back you have to flirt with him and entice him into wanting you. Flirting is a great way to let him know that you like him, you’re interested, and you want him to ask you out. Guys need some encouragement, so if they aren’t sure you like them or they don’t think you do — whether it’s true or it’s a misunderstanding — they’ll look for someone who does. If you’re shy and introverted, you have to find a way to let the guys you like know you like them so they can feel confident asking you out. If they mistake your shy and introverted nature for disinterest, they’ll move on because they’ll think you’re not into them. 😮 Make some changes in your behavior so you can flirt and give someone you like the hint that you’re into them. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You took away his power position! He’s your boss and he put the moves on you — and you rejected him. This probably hurt him more than you realize because to him, you didn’t just reject him as a romantic partner, you took the control away from him as a man [i]and[/i] as your boss. Double whammy for him. Then,, when you came back, had wine and dinner, cuddled up and asked to spend the night, he probably felt like you were [i]really[/i] taking the lead — away from him! I’m sure you had no idea what was going on in his head and you probably meant no ill will at all, but from his point of view…. it was more than he was willing to deal with. That’s why he’s gone silent.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your husband got interested in porn right after you had your first child. That’s a clue that the porn was more of a substitute for your postpartum sex life, than it was about him cheating or being addicted. You were probably not having the same type of sex life you had before kids because you were recovering from the birth, exhausted from nursing or being up at night with the baby, and you had a big weight gain which made you feel not so sexy or confident — and maybe he was using the porn so as not to bother you, or because you weren’t interested in sex. This is all normal and it doesn’t mean he was cheating or the he’s addicted. I understand that you’re hurt and angry about your sex life changing at the same time you’re finding his porn use offensive, and you’re probably overwhelmed with two toddlers barely nine months apart. You must be exhausted!

Instead of getting mad at him, which hasn’t moved things in a positive way, why not try to get your sex life back. 😉 It’s easy to point the finger at him, but a lot more challenging — and productive! — to try and work on the relationship and do your part to show him that you’re interested in sex with him and you want to get your sex life back on track. See if that helps! 😉

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