[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well…. since Christmas has come and gone, this is a good time for me to remind you that if you want your question answered as a “Rush”, just opt for a Premium response from me on this site — you’ll jump to the front of the line! 🙂

My advice about splitting up on the holidays is that if it works for both of you, then it’s fine. The most important thing is that you’re both okay with whatever you decide. You don’t have to be bound by societal traditions — do your own thing! Whether you’re together, apart, apart for some or part of the holidays or not with family at all, is less important than that you find a solution that works for your relationship.

Hope you had a nice Christmas — and remember to use Premium Response for any questions you want me to answer right away, next time. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not really sure what your question is — but from what you’ve written, I can tell that you already know that if you pursue a friendship with a married woman, there’s going to be trouble down the line. Be more honest with yourself. That’s what’s really missing here. 😉 Before you create drama by pursuing a relationship that’s risky business, ask yourself why you’re doing it, and if you can get your needs met in a way that won’t hurt so many other people in the long run. And if you do have a question, feel free to ask me. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It makes sense that you’re interested in him because you’re all single, about the same age, and you and your friend both have relationships with him — even though yours is a secret one. It would be understandable if you were interested in him, too. Why not be honest with your friend and tell her that you feel obsessed with this guy and you’re wondering if you have a crush on him, too! It will give her a chance to tell you that she understands or she’s mad or threatened or she wants you to go for it because she’s not having much success — whatever her response is, if you keep this obsession secret from her, your relationship with your friend won’t grow. Besides, if does feel a little jealous, she may think twice about asking you to “be her” next time around and that would be a good thing, so she can overcome her shyness and approach guys on her own. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve only been dating for thee months in a long distance relationship. That means you’re still getting to know each other — and it sounds like you have expectations that he hasn’t met, and now you’re disappointed. He may be, too. 😳 My advice is to back off from the idea that this is a committed relationship and embrace the fact that it’s a new one where you’re learning about yourselves and each other. Don’t try to make this work before you know each other and before you’ve made the decision as to whether or not to continue seeing each other, given what you’re learning. When you take the pressure to make this work off, you have a much better chance of succeeding in relationships than when you jump the gun, rush things forward, and decide to make something work before you know each other well. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t so much about cheating as it is about his character. He didn’t just cheat. He lied several times, and when you asked him why he let the lie go on so long, he said it was because he wasn’t brave enough to tell you the truth. 😕 So in addition to cheating and lies, you’ve got weakness of character. Not a great trifecta! This isn’t someone who puts honesty — or you — first. He put his own needs first and foremost and he’s coming out and telling you he’s not a brave person so that you’ll take pity on him. This doesn’t sound like a person who’s going to be there for you, or who you can count on down the line. Keep your eyes open and be aware. It would be a shame to invest in someone who isn’t going to give back.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re uncomfortable with the differences between your feelings and relationship behaviors, and his. He’s using terms of affection and the L word, as well as telling his parents about you, and getting you a Christmas present — way before you’re ready for any of that. The thing is, you can use your boundaries and I bet he won’t even be upset at all if you do! 🙂 For instance, you don’t have to call him affectionate names just because he does, and you don’t have to use the L word so quickly, either. And you certainly don’t have to tell your parents about him or introduce him to your parents before you’re ready to. In fact, it’s fine if you tell him that you’re spending the holidays with your family (not him), but that you can see him after Christmas. 😉 Lots of people stretch the holidays to accommodate friends, dates, out of town people, etc. So if you want to give him a thoughtful, but small gift after the holidays, you can — but you certainly don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do just because he is. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your boyfriend is a chronic liar, and you want him to be honest, you’re not going to be happy. 😳 So moving in together is probably not a good idea — especially since he’s left you three times because you confronted him about being dishonest. 🙁 Just because you love him doesn’t mean you should live together — and when you love someone who lies all the time and leaves you regularly, you’re going to be miserable if you live with him. Just because your friends say you deserve better doesn’t mean you’re going to treat yourself better. 😉 So if you feel you deserve better, than start acting like it. 🙂

As for the pregnancy, you owe it to him to tell him. If you can’t tell him in person, then at least write him and tell him — but do let him know so he can make whatever plans he wants to make to prepare for being a father. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, if you gained 80 pounds, why not try and lose that weight? Obviously — wait until after this pregnancy, but when it’s done, focus on your health and appearance so you both get the benefits that come with a weight loss after a weight gain. 😉 I know it’s hard to lose weight, but if you give it a good try and focus on your global health — not just what you see on the scale, you’re going to feel healthier, happier — and sexier! So, that’s something you can work on!

Next, consider why your husband’s interest in porn makes you feel inadequate. Is it really the [i]porn[/i] that makes you feel inadequate? Or is it the weight gain? His cheating on you while you were dating? His hitting on your sister? It sounds like there are a few things going on here, and it may not be the porn, itself, that’s the main thing that is bothering you. There are lots of women who are bothered by their partner’s interest in porn — but there are also lots of women who not only don’t feel threatened by it, but they feel that it’s something they can incorporate into their sex life. Since your husband likes porn, maybe you can try to embrace it — or if not embrace it, try to understand what about it he likes.

And lastly, consider whether he’s really addicted — or just has a healthy interest in porn. Usually, addiction means that his interests are interfering with other parts of his life, like his job, his family obligations and his relationships. What you’re describing sounds less like addiction and more like an issue between the two of you that you can both work on. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Slow down. You’re creating way too much drama to have a successful relationship! 😯

First, it was a mistake to allow him to move in with you in the first few weeks of dating. 😕 You really didn’t know each other well enough to move in together. You set the stage for drama by allowing a move in.

Second, you should never give anyone an ultimatum. Besides… why give someone an ultimatum when he’s only been dating you a month? You’re treating the relationship as if it’s a year or more older, but you’re having problems because it’s not.

Third, you’re forcing this relationship to work — instead, relax and get to know each other during the first three months of dating and see if you even want to continue dating each other. 🙂 By forcing a “relationship” title on a new dating situation you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself, him and the relationship.

So, chill. If he asks you out, go on a date and see if you guys get along. But play the field and know he’s doing the same because it’s healthy — not because he’s cheating. You’re only one month in. Use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to keep seeing each other, and the second three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he’s pushing you away and this is painful for you. 🙁 When you choose someone to date, there are certain things you can look for to insure a better chance of success. Career stability is one of them, and mental health is another. When you’re with someone who’s got an unstable career and chronic problems with depression, it’s going to be more challenging to make things work. If you’d been dating him for four years and he ran into a career issue, that would be one thing, but this relationship is new — and for half of it, it’s been long distance, which is even more complicated and a cause of a lot of relationship issues under normal circumstances. 😕

My advice is to really pay attention to who you’re dating and the fact that he is very clear about his wanting to push you away. It’s okay for you to feel hurt, and it’s appropriate when you’re rejected like this, but what would be a mistake is to try to stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Figure out what YOU want in a relationship . 🙂 You’ve only been dating this guy for 10 weeks — and already he’s said he’s told you he’s not sexually attracted to you 😯 (who says that to someone they’re dating?!) but has sex with you anyway. He introduced you to his parents at only three weeks into dating. 😯 That’s way too soon! And you’ve found out he’s a serial monogamist who rarely goes two weeks without a girlfriend between relationships. Now, you’re relegated to a friends with benefits relationship…. not sure what MIXED signals you’re getting because from here it sounds like you’re getting signals that he’s not that into you. 😕 Here’s where YOU come into play. 😉 If you want a date a guy who tells you all this stuff and is a serial dater, you’ve got your guy! 🙄 But… it really sounds like you don’t want to be a friend with benefits, and you don’t want a serial monogamist, and you do want to feel that your partner finds you sexually attractive, which is why I think you should let go of this person who’s not compatible with your relationship goals, and move on. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so sorry you’re hurt. A 14 year marriage ending is a big deal. The problem is that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and one to end it. She doesn’t sound like someone who wants to be married or work on the marriage. Since you’ve been separated for the last 12 months, and you still haven’t been able to work things out with her, I think it’s time for you to move on. As hard and painful as divorce may seem to be, if your wife is in love with someone else and is clear she doesn’t want to reconcile with you, it’s in everyone’s best interests, including your children’s, to get divorced and create a new stability for them. You can’t control your wife, but you can control your own actions and since she’s sort of out there figuring things out for herself beyond the marriage, you have to find a way to create a safe, healthy and even happy life for yourself and your children. I know this is difficult, but life is fluid and she’s not interested in being married to you anymore. It’s been a year of separation. Time for you to move on and stop waiting for her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’ve been in this relationship for five years and are so disappointed. 🙁 That’s a big investment on your part. It sounds like you were okay with a three year friends with benefits relationship while he was seeing her as well as you, and while you talk about “putting up with it”, you have to understand that from his point of view, you were [i]okay[/i] with it — even when you would see his messages to her saying that he loved her so much he couldn’t breathe without her. 😕 That sent him the message that you were fine playing second fiddle — and he wasn’t wrong. You stayed. For three years, under those circumstances. But the most difficult part to process is that you’ve been with him without her for the last two years, not because he decided he wanted you more, but because [i]she[/i] left [i]him[/i]. He didn’t have anyone else when she left — except for you you. 😳 I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have to see it from his point of view. You were never his first choice. She was, and you made that okay for him.

Now, after two years just the two of you, he’s not warm or affectionate with you — because he’s not happy in his life. Sadly, you were getting warmth from him when he was happy because he had her in his life, too. Now, that she’s gone, he’s not happy and you’re getting the side effects of that break up. That he doesn’t chase after you the way he did her, when the two of you argue, is because he doesn’t want to. Again, I’m sorry if this is hard to hear. But the reality is that he does love her more than you.

Here’s my advice: Give yourself value. If you want monogamy and you want to be someone’s one and only, then act like it! 🙂 Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’re a second or third or friend with benefits — if that’s not what you really want. Be honest with yourself, and then go for what you want. He doesn’t value you the way you want him to, so find someone who does. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you’re disappointed, and I’m sorry. It’s tough to be a single parent dating — but what happened here is just part of the normal dating landscape. The reality is that you should use the first three months of dating to figure out if you want to continue dating someone because of what you’ve gotten to know about them (as well as yourself and the relationship). When you put pressure on yourself, him or the relationship to work — too soon — you wind up disappointed more easily than if you focus on simply getting to know him.

Since your two year old son got sick, this guy you’ve been dating for five weeks and who you see once a week, canceled a romantic overnight getaway so you could stay home with your son and take care of him — it sounds like he did the right thing. 😉 The problem is that you came off as a little needy when you told him that you wanted him to come to you and your sick son, after he cancelled the trip…. it’s probably a little soon in the relationship for him to have heard that. When he decided not to, you got hurt. Now, you’re wondering if he was just interested in sex because he cooled off. The reality is that you’re five weeks into getting to know someone and this incident was an opportunity to get to know yourself and him in a new situation.

My advice is to relax. Hang back. See if he asks you out again, and see if you still want to go. 🙂 Neither one of you did anything wrong — you were both just disappointed while getting to know one another in the early stages of the relationship. Life happens, as do disappointments. See if you can move forward with him, beyond this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If a guy is interested, he’ll ask you out. Since he hasn’t, I’d assume he likes you — but so far, not enough to ask you out. You can flirt with him, but play the field as well. It would be a shame for you to invest too much time and energy in someone who hasn’t asked you out, so diversify! Play the numbers game. Don’t just focus on one person who likes you but isn’t dating you — flirt and keep your options open. That way you won’t feel obsessed with this one guy because you’ll have lots of other interests going on. 😎

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