[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 22. He’s 20 and you’ve been together for 3 months — but you’ve been abroad since the end of the summer. The problem here is that he wants to date an in-town person, and you’re investing way too much in someone you don’t know that well and who isn’t interested in a long-distance relationship. 😕

Typically, you should use the first 3 months of a relationship to get to know someone and decide if you want to continue dating them. Assume that you’re both dating others during this time so that you can be sure and not put too much pressure on the relationship. If you want to continue, then use the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. Since you’re only at the three month mark, it sounds like he’s not so sure he wants to continue dating you. His feelings are disappointing, but they’re clear. And the fact that you’re abroad and he’s not with you, makes it even more imperative that you hang loose, back off and enjoy what you have with him, when you have it, if you have it — but not to appear clingy, needy or desperate.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s an 18 year old guy who has an out of town girlfriend, and four young women in town who all like him! Of course he’s going to flirt with all of you. 😉 And, there’s nothing wrong with your crushing on him, as long as you’re realistic. Chances are, he’s not taking any of you too seriously as a girlfriend, so you should keep that in mind and look elsewhere for someone to date. Just because you have a crush on someone doesn’t mean you should date them. 🙂 Sometimes a cute, flirty guy isn’t good boyfriend material, so enjoy the time you’re with him, but don’t invest too much of your heart in him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Before you break up with him over his throat clearing, ask him if he’ll go to see a physician — an ear, nose and throat specialist would be best — with you. There may be a physical reason for this behavior, and if that is what’s going on, a doctor may be able to help cure it, or at least control it. It may also be a symptom of something more serious else going on in his body, so definitely go see a doctor with him. If that’s not it, then ask the physician for help, and together, with your boyfriend, see if you can get some professional help for what seems like either a physical problem or a physiological or psychological response to something. Make this a relationship challenge, not just yours or just his problem.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Rejection hurts, and he is being very clear that he doesn’t want to be with you or marry you. My advice is that you accept this rejection and stop contacting him, so that you can heal from your disappointment and move on. For future, never chase a guy. Always let him do the chasing, and always let him propose — that’s how you know you’re with someone who truly wants to be with you. If he is the one doing the chasing and the asking, he’s going to want to win you over, and you’ll know that because it’s actually happening! 😉

Again, I’m very sorry for your hurt, but the longer you try to convince him to stay with you, the worse this will be for you. Accept the rejection and move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You and your boyfriend are both 32 and have been together for two years. It sounds like you’re less confused than you are disappointed. And you’re not being controlled and manipulated as much as you’re choosing to be a victim. 😕

Your boyfriend is very angry and he’s taking his anger out on you. For some reason you’re enabling this behavior by not using boundaries and allowing it to be the norm. The question is, why are you doing this? What are you getting out of this dynamic? If you want to visit your elderly father, you should — and if he doesn’t want you to, then he’s not putting your best interests at heart. And if he doesn’t care about your best interests, there’s no healthy reason for you to be together. And yet, you stay. 😳 You’ve listed a lot of complaints about him…. the question is, why are you with him for two years? What are you getting from the relationship that trumps what you’re giving up?

My advice is to invite him to go with you to visit your father, and if he declines, and says if you go, the relationship is over, you need to respect his decision, and abide by you’re own. You’re right — your father won’t be around forever and if you don’t visit him because of this situation, you will feel guilty. So don’t give yourself a chance to have that regret. When you start doing the right thing, you’ll find you have easier choices to make and healthier people to make them with. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think your dreams are ruining your current relationship — I think the fact that you’re in touch with one of these exes, and that you feel compelled to check up on both of them, is 😕 If you want to commit to your present and your future, then let go of your past. 😉 Stop contacting your exes if you want a more peaceful relationship with your current partner and children. 😉 Some people can have relationships with exes — but these are usually situations where the exes involve their current partners in the contact, and the “friendship” is respectful of the current relationships. When you’re contacting your exes on your own, it’s a way of keeping those relationships alive at the expense of your current relationship. I don’t think you’re ready to have healthy relationships with your exes yet, so the best thing you can do is cut contact and move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 28 and the two women in your life, your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend are 28 and 23, but I’m not sure which is which. And… I’m not sure why you broke up with your ex-girlfriend two years ago — and that’s important to know. You said there were issues on her end — are they now resolved? Since you’re considering breaking up with your current girlfriend of a year to get back together with your ex-girlfriend, you should really focus on what broke you up and how things are different, so that if you do get together with her again, you won’t run into the same problems you once did. 😉 You said you’re terrified of having your heart broken again if you get back together — which indicates to me that those problems still exist and are unresolved 😳 I think that’s the beginning and the end of this. Unless you can really talk about how things are going to be different — rather than how petrified you are of them being the same, it’s not going to work.

As for your being sick about knowing your ex-girlfriend is with another man (even though you’re dating another woman), the best remedy for that is to accept the fact that the two of you have broken up and truly move on, without contact. That will make the break up complete. And… if you can’t do that, then maybe you’re not done and for better or for worse, you need to give it another try so you can find out one way or another if you can make things work with your ex.

There is no “romance insurance” so you may have a broken heart at the end, or you may have happiness and a long-term commitment — but if you don’t give it a try, you’ll never know. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re 21 and he’s 23. You dated for four months, then took an eight month break, and now he’s reached out to you about possibly getting back together again, but since you’ve spoken, it sounds like he’s reticent. He isn’t responding to your texts as quickly as you’d like, and while the two of you are dating, you’re not in a “relationship” just yet. I’m sorry you’re confused. I think that you’ve been pretty clear with me about what’s going on and the problem for you is that you don’t have [i]his[/i] clarity about the relationship. The thing is, an eight month break is a long time — and I don’t know why you took a break in the first place. Something must have been bothering one or both of you to agree to that long of a break. Whatever it is, it sounds like he’s still thinking it through, otherwise you’d have more of the positive reaction you’re looking for. 🙂 My advice is to hang back and chill. If you press him he’ll feel like you’re needy, which isn’t attractive. On the other hand, I think you have to assume that you’ve got competition. He may be dating other people or he may just be busy. Either way, it’s important that when he does hear from you or see you that you’re someone he wants to spend more time with — not run from because you’re demanding and unhappy about the relationship status. 🙂 I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay — so you’re 19 and he’s 40, and you’ve been dating for 1 year and four months and this problem popped up about three months ago. The miscommunication is less concerning than his reaction. Everybody miscommunicates sometimes, but it sounds like he gets very stubborn when this happens and always blames you for either not listening or not communicating clearly with him.

Why not try disarming him by not arguing back? Instead of being right, simply apologize and tell him he’s right. Even when he’s not. If this problem is simply about him being stubborn and needing to be right, then let him be! 😉 If, however, you try this and he finds something else to get angry about — in a different arena, then I’d suggest that you have a different problem going on. But if it truly is just about him needing to be right — even about your not listening to him, then just try saying, “You’re right. I’ll try listen more carefully. Thanks for being patient with me. I know how frustrating this must be!” See if that works!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your marriage is fixable if you’re willing to do the work. You sound kind of resigned and sad, but if you do want make some changes, I can help guide you.

First, understand since you’re 37, your wife is 39 and you’ve been married for 15 years and have two children, ages 8 and 10, you all have a lot invested in your family. Second, this problem didn’t happen overnight. So it’s not going to get solved overnight. And third, it’s not one person’s fault. Your challenge (and opportunity) is to figure out your part in this dynamic and change it. So if she’s not telling the truth about things, chances are there’s a reason — she doesn’t want to disappoint you, or she doesn’t want give up something, or maybe she doesn’t want to come to grips with the reality of your relationship. Since you didn’t mention specifics, I can give you the broad strokes — talk to her about what the lies are and why you really the truth — because it promotes intimacy. You mentioned that she’s negative and has “a cold touch” — but you also say that she’s a loving and wonderful mother. Chances are she’s negative and cold because she’s disappointed and unhappy. You both are — so do your part to get the relationship out of the rut it’s in. Take her out, buy her flowers and gifts and try to seduce here again! This is a lot more difficult than it sounds, because you’ve been in a relationship rut for so long, but you have to be patient, take small steps and stay focused on your goal.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re 26 and he’s 27. You’ve been dating for 3 years and he’s been divorced for almost 3 years. You each have a child from a prior relationship, one is 4 and one 8. Thanks for that info. Here’s my advice:

1. Go to the police and report the rape. Don’t delay.
2. Do not post details of the alleged crime on social media. It’s a police matter and something you and your family and friends need to help you through.
3. It sounds like your boyfriend is insisting you take to social media and blame yourself publicly to protect his ego. If you’re trying to hold together a relationship with someone who’s so insecure that he’s insisting on this public display of blame, you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Someone who is healthy will want to work things through with you — not put you on display in a negative way. Your boyfriend isn’t behaving in a way that is healthy.
4. Because you have a four year old, you have to put your health and the child’s life first. Saying that breaking up with this guy is not an option isn’t the best thing for your child, you or your boyfriend. Time for you to man up! 😉
5. Lastly, remember that you got together before your boyfriend divorced and it’s very possible you were his rebound relationship and the fact that you both cheated was a flashing yellow light that there relationship problems that caused the cheating. Cheating isn’t usually the problem — what led up to it that created an atmosphere for it, is what you should be focusing on.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 17 and she’s 16 and you’ve been dating for a year and a half prior to her breaking up with you. Now you want her back. I think that you do have a chance to get her back but you have to really listen to what she’s saying and the reasons she broke up with you. If any of them are true, then you have an opportunity to make some changes 🙂. For instance… if you truly were possessive, overprotective and violent — those are deal breakers in a relationship, and whether you’re with her or someone else, you should focus on making some changes. If she truly felt that the relationship was interfering with her studies, then you should focus on supporting her studies and make sure that any relationship you try to forge with her, doesn’t interfere. Why not invite her to study together? Or bring her coffee when she’s got a lot of homework to do? 😉 And because she may have felt that you were critical of her decisions — instead of being defensive and suggesting that you were just trying to take care of her, let her make her own decisions and be supportive and interested in what she learns from them. It’s easy to think you’re right about things — but when being right causes a breakup, it may be better for the relationship to be wrong! 😉

So, focus on the balance of giving her space and wooing her back. 😎 Send or give her little gifts without asking for anything in return. Ask her how her studies are going and show interest in her and her interests. And by doing those things, if and when you break through and you think she’s receptive, ask her out and see if you can get things going again, and see if you can make the changes in your own behavior that will insure success. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re putting too much pressure on yourself, this girl and the relationship. You’ve only been dating for two months — it’s way too soon for you to be having this type of anxiety about her cheating on you. In fact, when you try to make a new relationship monogamous and exclusive, too soon, you don’t really get to know the person, yourself, or the relationship. Relax. Let life play out. She may or may not cheat. She may or may not continue to want to date you. And you may or may not want to date her after a few more months. Dating is a process where you get to know someone and decide if you want to continue dating them. When you make a new relationship exclusive too fast, you lose that organic opportunity to get to know each other.

And if that sounds too difficult for you to do……Consider that you may not be ready to date yet. You said in your pre-posting questionnaire that you’re 17 years old, so if your 2 year relationship with the woman who cheated on you, happened recently, this may be a rebound dating situation you’re in now. And that means you’re going to play out your anxiety about the last break up, because you haven’t had enough time to process them naturally. So if you can’t relax into this relationship, then consider taking a break from dating until you feel better about yourself and can date without fear of betrayal, as baggage from your last break up. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I agree. Life is rough! And if you don’t want to hurt someone, then you should never date — in fact, don’t even smile at anyone! 😆 The reality is that people are going to like you and you’re going to disappoint them. And guess what? It will happen in the reverse as well. Love and rejection go hand in hand. You try and you win or lose. But if you don’t try, you don’t get a shot at winning. Nobody likes to reject a person, but it’s much kinder to be honest then to drag something on or disappear because you don’t want to face someone you don’t like. Let them take care of themselves and let them be the ones to decide if they’re okay or not.

As for this guy, let it play out a little more. It’s very normal for two people to have slightly different feelings at the same time — but if after three or four dates you just aren’t interested in seeing him again, then let him down gently. He will probably be disappointed, but he’s going to find someone else to date. 😉 And…. you may warm up to him if you give yourself the chance. But the point is — give yourself the chance, and see what happens. Life’s a journey. Take it. Don’t sit on the bleachers. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re 36 and he’s 48 and you’ve been together for almost 10 years and he has promised marriage but keeps backing out. Time for you to wake up and smell the coffee: He’s never going to marry you. You need to stop fooling yourself. You’re hanging onto shreds of “proof” that you deserve a marriage to this guy instead of looking at the facts. The facts are that if a guy wants to marry you he will. Always trust a man’s behavior. No matter what he says, his behavior is what he means. I hope you don’t waste another day waiting for a marriage to this guy, that just isn’t going to happen.

If you want marriage, then look elsewhere. If you want things to continue as they are with him — dating without marriage — then stay. But don’t tell yourself lies for one more day. You deserve better than what [u]you’re[/u] doing to yourself. 😉

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