[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so thanks to your pre-posting questionnaire, I can tell that you’re 44 and he’s 59 and you’re two men who are divorced, both with adult children from prior relationships. So, here’s the thing — the age gap isn’t that big a deal. I don’t think this is a “daddy issue”. You’re both divorced with kids — that levels the playing field and can shorten the gap between your ages. Plus, you work at the same place, so that’s another thing you have in common! That said…. you work at the same place — and there are implications if things don’t work out between you. You’ll have to see each other and focus on work when having an ex in the office can be a distraction. However, most people spend a lot of time at work, so it’s normal to meet dates there. If you can handle the work romance dynamic, then I think you should ask him out on a date, and break the pattern of flirting without commitment. Think about the worst case — it’s really not so bad, is it? 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in the friend zone. 😕 The only way to get out is to stop being her friend and start being someone who wants to date her. 😉 People fear losing a connection with someone they’re crushing on, so they put themselves into the friend zone. They figure that any contact as a “friend” is better than no contact as a rejected date…. but that’s not always the case. 🙄 If you want to date her, then you have to ask her out. And if she says no, then you have to back off and stop being her friend. You should still be civilized and even flirtatious — and let her know you’re there for the dating, but not for the friendship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re both 18 and you’ve been dating for two years now, but he’s at college meeting lots of single women, and you’ve been at home getting anxious and expressing that anxiety to him. It’s tough when you feel your partner is slipping away — the best method for getting him back is to compete, but so many people just get depressed and needy, and sadly, that pushes them away more. 😳 It sounds like that’s what’s happened here.

College is one of the few places where there are so many single, available and interested people in one place for at least four years. Most 18 year olds want to experiment and college is the place where they do. Lots of people who were in long-term relationships, find that in college they want to break off those commitments and try new people, new things and new types of relationships. That, coupled with your downward emotional slope is what led your boyfriend to break up with you. 😳 I know this is sad for you and I’m sorry.

If you have a chance to get him back, you have to understand that being needy is not sexy and it turns off a lot of guys. Instead of telling him your problems, your only shot is to bring your A game and compete for him! 😉 The problem is that he’s met someone new, said he’s falling in love, and he’s trying to break up with you by saying, “Let’s be friends.” He’s saying he wants to be friends because he’s trying to let you down easily. 🙁 I think that unless you accept his reality and change your tune to one of competition, the relationship may have run it’s course.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re projecting your anger about your job situation onto your boyfriend. 🙁 It’s normal for people to lash out at those they’re closest to — and you’ll see kids and teenagers taking out their frustrations about life on their parents because the parents are close to them and safe. As an adult, what you want to aim for is the ability to have your feelings, process them, and behave in a way that is productive. When you act out your feelings, you’re living on a lower level than if you have your feelings, but don’t act them out. I know you understand this — and you’re having trouble getting there, so consider this….

Anger is really a coverup for sadness. The truth is you’re acting angry because you haven’t gotten in touch with the fact that you’re sad and disappointed. You wish that you had a job and career that was successful. Everyone feels that way sometimes. 😉

The way to move past these feelings is to create a plan to better your life. Focus on your job search. What you’ve been doing may or may not be working, so consider some creative solutions. Maybe the job you’re looking for isn’t the only job you can get — and maybe you should consider other situations, other companies, other states and countries. You get it, I’m sure. Start networking. Give yourself a makeover as needed. Go to the gym and get the endorphins going and make cold calls and invite people for drinks to talk about job possibilities. If you can channel this anger you’re feeling, into a plan you put into action, you’ll stop hating on your boyfriend and the inequities in the world. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it — you’re both 20 and you’re living together as roommates, but you have a big crush on him. Here’s my advice: You can’t have it both ways. In other words, you can’t want to preserve the roommate situation — and be in a position to date him. If you do date him, or just fool around with him, you’ll have changed the valuable relationship you have with him as roommates. Imagine if you do date or fool around, and things don’t work out — and he starts bringing home dates, while you’re not over him. Suddenly, your own home will feel uncomfortable. Or what if you’re fooling around and not dating, and he starts dating someone else while he’s seeing you? Or, what if you never date anyone else because you don’t feel single as long as you have a roommate you’re crushing on, and you end up passing up some great opportunities with other guys as a result? Other people already notice the chemistry between you, and guys who might normally ask you out, won’t because they think you’re involved on some level, already. The number of awkward situations between roommates who like each other romantically, and are “just roommates”, looms large.

So, here’s my advice: If you have a lease, ask your landlord if you can have someone take over your portion of that lease so you can move out. Find someone to take your place in the apartment, and find a new place to live, where you can flirt with this guy as a potential date. 😉 That way, you can have a living situation that is crush-free, and a guy you’re interested in dating — and you’ll be available to date him freely, if he does ask you out!

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 30 and she’s 23 and you’ve been dating for two years — but you have a deal breaker in front of you. You want monogamy and she doesn’t. I don’t think you can bridge this gap. It’s an incompatibility for a long-term, healthy relationship. If she is always going to be interested in others and she’s letting you know that she may be with them, you’re always going to be anxious and worried. This isn’t a basis for trust or intimacy. I know you love her and you’ve invested two years, but it sounds like your best bet is to move on. You have to find someone who’s compatible and has mutually agreed on values — like monogamy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You had a “movie moment” where someone flirted with you while he was performing. Only, you’re not an actress or a performer, and you took the flirting for more than it was meant to be. The reality is that this guy who flirted with you as part of his act hasn’t asked for your number, invited you for a date or showed up at your doorstep. This guy from the stage was having fun during a performance — and you had fun, too! But it wasn’t a “dating” reality. It was part of his performance night.

However, if this incident woke you up to the reality that your two year relationship, with both of you being 23 years old, has run it’s course, and you want to see what else is out there, then give it a little more time to set in, and see if this is really a step you want to take — and if it is, do it. But, understand that you may be merely “drunk” from your movie moment, and with time you’ll realize it was just exciting and fantasy even though it felt real for a night.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-postining questionnaire you wrote that you are both 54 years old and you each have 3 children, and you’ve been together for 12 years. You wrote that he hit you a lot and you called the police, but he hasn’t hit you since 2008, but now there’s been a lot of verbal abuse. It also sounds like you’re afraid he will go back to his physical violence, and you’re living in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I understand that you don’t want to leave him because “he’s a good provider”, but there are things that are more important than someone providing money for you. You have 3 children and he has 3 children, and they’re all watching you as you model adult relationships for them. When you put up with abuse and make it okay to be a long-term victim, you’re showing them that this is a relationship that is the norm, and it will be for them. They will model this in their own lives — and that’s why you have to end things, if not for your sake, then for theirs. All six of them need you to stand up for what is right.

So, here’s a plan, and you can use it or riff on it. First, break up with him and ask him to move out, since it’s your house. Second, have friends and family come over to make sure the break up and move out goes smoothly and he doesn’t act out. Third, call the police if he does act out — or even just to ask for their help because you’re concerned about what may happen, ahead of time. Fourth, get a job that will help you to be independent so you won’t feel you need to rely on a provider who is abusive. I know this is a lot, but your children are worth it, so roll up your sleeves and get to work. There’s a healthy life out there for you — go get it! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re 17 and he’s 19 — thanks to your pre-posting questionnaire information. Here’s where you can make some changes in your behavior. If you’re asking someone out on a date, be clear. It sounds like you’ve blurred a lot of boundaries, and that makes it very easy to miscommunicate. You invited this guy to “come over” and he responded without a real commitment and then said no, but that he’d try on Sunday. If you invite him to go to dinner on Saturday, you’ve set some parameters to the date: Saturday and dinner. You can even ask him if he’d meet you at 7 at a particular restaurant for dinner on Saturday — which leaves a lot less to chance. Obviously, you should pick a date that works for you…. When you offer a “blurry date”, you will often get a “blurry answer”. So, next time, start with clarity on your part. 😀

Next… if someone rejects you, accept the rejection. I know that you wanted “a proper response” as to why he was rejecting you, but he was giving you the best response he knew how to give. You just didn’t like it, and it appears that you were being passive aggressive in response to his rejection. Rejection stings, and it’s normal to feel hurt. But, next time, focus on people who will say yes, then you won’t stay stuck on those who say no.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The first three months of dating someone should be used to decide if you want to continue seeing them or not. You should assume they’re playing the field, as they should with you, as well. The reason is that it when you jump the gun in a relationship and commit before getting to know someone, you will find yourself in drama-mode, down the line. And that’s where your are. It’s way too soon for the two of you to be committed, and the proof is in your behaviors. He learned about your photo album with your ex. You learned about his reaction. You also learned that this scared him enough for him to go back on Tinder — that’s a lot of learning about each other!! And that’s why the first three months of dating should simply be about deciding whether or not to continue dating each other. People are complicated, they have baggage, and you can’t get to know them well without time passing. In fact, I also suggest that if you do want to continue dating each other at the three month mark, then use the second three months of dating to decide to if you want to be monogamous or not. So, since you’re still in the three month time frame…. don’t freak out. Learn that you both jumped the gun, and corrections were made. And decide if you want to continue seeing him or not. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Relationships can be complicated — but they don’t have to be. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, you’re both 20 and you’ve been with your boyfriend for three years — but you also live with him and say you have no where else to go…. which is part of why breaking up with him is going to be a problem for you. I get it. Sometimes people focus on relationship problems when their real issues are underlying. It sounds like you have a living situation that is a bigger issue than your relationship problems. 😕 I know you said that you have no where else to go to live, but I would suggest you reconsider that…. it’s not a good idea to stay in a relationship because you need housing. 😕 You’re basically trading love for rent. 😥 You can get a job, pay rent, get roommates…you have options! 🙂

So, deal with your housing situation and don’t sweep it under the rug and use it as an excuse to not break up with your boyfriend, when you’re not really interested in seeing him exclusively any more. The longer you wait, the more difficult this will be. Breaking up with someone is best done quickly and cleanly, like pulling off a band aid. Be clear in your words and your actions. If you say one thing and do another, you’re going to create drama. So just tell your boyfriend that you’ve met someone else and you’re moving on. Then, do it. 🙂

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[b]First of all, if you feel suicidal, then you need to get help immediately. Please call or go to a hospital and tell them you feel suicidal and that you need help. Don’t keep this kind of feeling secret. Tell friends and family so that you can get the help you need.[/b]

In your pre-posting questionnaire you wrote that this relationship has been going on for four years and that you see each other every day and are both 23. That’s intense because of your youth, your frequency of contact, the length of the relationship, and the fact that it’s probably a first relationship for both of you. But…. these may also be the reasons that you may have taken her for granted. 🙁 When you wrote that you “were always a jerk to her….” and that you “always reacted negatively to her when she tried to talk to you….” you have to understand that these are the types of behaviors that chip away at a a future in any relationship. 😳

I think you know that this is where things went wrong and the question is, are you willing to make changes in your behavior — whether or not you get her back? Whether you’re with her, someone else, or alone, these aren’t great character traits. If you are up for change, you may have a chance at winning her back, but you have to show her, not just tell her, that you’re a changed man… and after dating for four years, that’s not an easy task. So here’s what I suggest. First, stop hiding from her. That’s taking a lot of energy on your part, and you have to get back to a more normal and honest reality. If you see each other every day, then make sure that that contact is positive. Smile. Ask her how she is. Tell her you’re sorry and that you miss her. And mostly, tell and show her that you’ve changed.

When relationships fall apart, it’s not just bout the break up — there’s an opportunity to learn about yourself, if you’re willing, and to make changes if you want to. That’s where you are right now. Take one day at a time, and make each day positive. No more hiding or being a jerk — just positive, outward, honest behavior.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you meet someone you’re interested in, and there seems to be mutual interest, you have a limited time frame in which to ask her out on a date, before she thinks you’re not interested in dating and moves on, so as not to waste her time. You never asked her out, and I think she’s probably decided you’re not interested in dating her. If you are, you should ask her out on a date and continue the relationship on a new level, beyond the friend zone. If you’re not interested in dating her, understand that she’s looking for a boyfriend and if you’re not that guy, she’s not going to give you as much attention as she would if you were.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes! Dating is competitive, and if you want to win someone over, you have to bring your A game and fight for that person. 🙂

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