[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 34 and your ex who is now married is 35. Let me try and answer your questions:

Did he ever love me?

Probably!

Isn’t love above caste/creed/religion?

Not necessarily. There are all types of ways that people love and don’t love.

If caste was so important why did he wait before marriage date to bring all this up?

It sounds like he broke up with you right before your scheduled wedding and he used this as the reason. I don’t know if it was the real reason or not. The bottom line is that he broke up with you and married someone else.

If caste was so important how/why did he marry another girl of a different caste/creed/religion & not make that an issue (did he not want to marry me)?

People do the best they can when they break up with someone and what he said to break up with you may not have been the real reason he broke up with you. It was the best he could do.

Why does he contact me (asking if I’m married yet, how I am) & should I respond to it?

He’s contacting you because he’s interested in you. He may have been contacting this other woman he’s now married to while he was dating you. But my advice is not to respond to him and move on. You’ve spent a lot of time and energy on this guy, and he dumped you after seven years to marry someone else. You can do better — but only if you allow yourself to. I think you should move on. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes! You should be concerned. You’re 22 and he’s 24 and you’ve been dating for a year and are considering moving in together, but he wants to experience living on his own for a while first, and you’re wondering if living together is a smart idea. My advice is not to do it yet. There are plenty of relationship obstacles, so don’t create a big one by moving in together when he’s being clear and honest that he’d like to try living on his own for a while, first. If you move in together knowing he wants to live on his own, he may become resentful and the cohabitation will be short lived. Your relationship will be much stronger if you support his interests and wait for him to be ready. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation to fail any more than you want to put him in one. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 21 and these guys are 22 and 23, and you said in your pre-posting questionnaire that you’ve only been dating them a month. Yet there’s been so much drama in that month!!! My advice is for you to step back and take a breath. Here are a few pointers:

* You’re not friends with these guys. You’re dating them. It’s different than friendship, so get over the idea that you may lose a friendship with them. It’s not there to lose. These are romantic interests — find your friends elsewhere. Life will be much easier for you when you process this. 😉

* You should date someone for three months before you decide whether or not to continue dating them. During that time you should be playing the field, as should they. When you slow things down, you get to know each other better and reduce drama. So play the field and if after dating for three months, you want to continue dating them, wait until the six month mark to decide if you want to be monogamous. Do this, and watch the drama disappear!

* Relax. There’s anxiety coming through your post, as if you have to perfect the process of dating and relationships. It’s a process and you have to ease into it so you can learn and figure out who you are and what you want, and who you work best with. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So you’re 43 years old and you’re married, but in the process of divorcing, and you have three kids ages 2,8 and 10. You’ve been dating a guy for about six weeks, and this other guy who you used to be interested in, but lost touch with, just asked you for coffee. This isn’t that complicated! 😉

First, understand you’re still married, so it’s fine to play the field, but just don’t jump into anything until you’re actually divorced. That’s why it’s great that you’ve decided to take it slow with the six-week guy you’re dating, and why I think you should absolutely have coffee with this other guy from your past who’s just invited you out. Playing the field means dating casually and getting to know these guys as well as yourself. You’ve got a lot of change going on and because you have three young kids, it’s important not to jump into anything too quickly. Whether you realize it or not, the kids are affected by your relationships, so have fun and keep it light….. and definitely say yes to coffee with this other guy.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are lots of great first dates you can take her on — the orchestra is a nice idea, so is an art museum, a zoo, a wine tasting seminar or lecture, a cooking class, a play — there are lots of great dates! As for your second question, you’re jumping the gun a little. See how the first date goes. You’ll know after that first date if there’s going to be a second date — or at least you should know, if you’re tuned in and she’s communicative! 🙂 Wait until the first date to see if there will be a second one, and if there is, at that time, you’ll have spent time with her and you’ll know her better so you can plan something that’s more likely to be specific to the two of you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask her out on a casual date. Invite her for coffee or to see a movie and get ice cream afterwards. If she says yes, you’ll know that she’s interested in spending more time with you and getting to know you. If she says no, then you’ll understand she’s not interested and you can get back to being just classmates. The best way to figure out how someone feels about you is to make [i]yourself[/i] clear. And by inviting her on a date, you’re doing just that. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s 48, divorced for five years now, with two teenagers, and you’re his 21 year old girlfriend of two years. The lucky thing is that he’s being straightforward with you. And it’s great that you’re so clear on what you want! That said, you have to consider that he’s focused on not remarrying and not having any more children. I get that this is disappointing for you, but while some people do sacrifice for love, others don’t. It’s important not to judge and instead to find compatibility. If you want marriage and children, it’s important that you date someone who wants the same. And if marriage and children are more important than anything, then those are your deal breakers. But if you prefer to be with him, while giving up marriage and children, then you can do that. It’s really your choice, and you’re not trapped.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are very few guarantees in life! 😉 People break up and divorce all the time — and yes, trust is broken. But what heals a relationship that has gone through a trust issue, is time. The problem with time is that when you’re anxious about losing someone, time seems like a threat. You are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go poorly. But…. when they don’t, and over time you reconnect and rebuild the relationship, time works as a healer.

I think that what you need to do is trust that time is on your side, and to tell her everyday how you feel, and to show her with small gestures like love letters, doing errands and favors for her, and sending her little gifts and flowers. Hopefully, she will see that you realize your mistake and that you appreciate her more for having lost her once. But your best bet is to stay on track and try to let go of anxiety and focus on showing her your feelings. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-posting questionnaire, you wrote that you are single, as is your boyfriend, and that you’ve been dating for seven years now, are both in your early 30s, and you have a minor child. Yet, in your posting title, you reference your husband. Which is it? I’m going to go by your questionnaire where you wrote that you are both single… So ,if your boyfriend has always watched television and drunk beer, then he’s just doing what he’s always done and you shouldn’t expect otherwise. But if he’s [i]suddenly[/i] drinking beer and watching television, he’s probably doing it as a way to escape something — whether it’s work, family, health issues, etc. — and that’s more of a concern. If you want to work on the relationship then try to find things that will make him want to leave the television and beer! 😎 Try to figure out what he’s escaping with the beer and television, and talk to him about that. But if you can’t, or you don’t want to, and you’re truly worried that he’s destroying your family, you can always leave, especially since you’re single. I’m not sure what’s scary about this…. it sounds more disappointing than scary, but maybe you can fill in some more details if you do write again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right — it’s better not to lie, especially about something as important as your being deployed. But not just because it’s not good to be dishonest — but because there are women out there who will respect what you’re doing and will want to be with you over the long-distance and when you return. When you lie, you don’t give yourself the opportunity to find them!

This woman sounds like not only doesn’t she want to wait around for you, but she’s very rigid about your not telling the truth and your reason. To me, your reason for not being upfront for the first three months of talking to her, makes sense. I get it. And that you did disclose the truth before ever dating her, seems entirely forgivable. But that’s me. That she’s so strict about all of this means you’ve gotten to know her in this way without dating her! You may have saved yourself some time an energy!

That she’s flirting with you via online images means just that — she’s playing. It doesn’t mean a lot more than that. Maybe she figures you played with her (as she sees it), so now she’s playing with you. Regardless, I think you should explore other options in dating and not focus too much energy on her given all that you’ve written here. Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is between you and your boyfriend — not you and the other woman. The fact that he is taking photos with this other woman on his lap, and introducing her to his parents means that you’ve got competition! And that he knows it upsets you and still does it, means that he’s interested in her — it’s not a one way street. That means you have to compete with her for his attention, if you want to win him over. Consider what it is he’s getting from her, and what he feels like when he’s with her that he doesn’t get from you and his relationship with you — and focus on improving those “cracks” in your relationship. Guys go where they feel good about themselves, and if he’s getting something from being with her that he isn’t from being with you, he’ll go there. So use this problem to work on the relationship you have with him, and avoid the instinct to tell him what to do and ways in which he can and can’t behave, and instead… make him want to be the one who devotes himself to you.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes. You’re overreacting. 😕 If your goal is to make this relationship work, and you’ve been together for three years, with the last one of those three years long-distance, you have to focus on that goal. 😉 You’re not with him to date him while this is long distance, and there is going to be competition. That’s just a fact of life. It may be difficult, but that’s part of the challenge of long distance relationships. You have to give people in these long distance relationships a lot more freedom if you want them to work — and that goes both ways. He has to give you more freedom, as you have to give him the same.

So, instead of blaming him for accepting gifts and possibly dating this other woman, why not accept the reality of a year or more of distance, and compete for him! 😎 If she gave him a birthday present that indicates she’s interested in him, you have to give him a present that’s more meaningful. 🙂 Be the girlfriend he really wants to be with — above all others. You’re not engaged, but if, as you said, he wants to marry you in May of 2017, then why not celebrate the commitment that the two of you have, instead of creating arguments. Yes — you’re right. This other woman likes him, but that doesn’t mean you can’t win him! But, because of the distance, you have to avoid arguing with him, and if you can’t, reconsider the long-distance relationship. These are very difficult to sustain for many people, and it’s understandable that you’re trying to apply “in town rules” to an out of town relationship. Ease up, hang back, and be that girlfriend that gets the guy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

To get out of the friend zone, you have to stop being his friend. This means you risk a friendship — but that friendship doesn’t really exist. You’re not friends, you’re something more. So, don’t be available the way a friend is, and instead, do flirt with him and compliment him so he knows you find him attractive and you’re interested in dating him. This is all a lot more difficult to do than to talk about — but it’s a great tool to have and use, and it’s the best way to escape the friend zone and become a romantic contender. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He likes you — but you’re in the friend zone. Getting out of it requires flirting with him in a way that lets him know you like him as more than a friend. This gives him a clue that you’re interested in dating him, and it also gives him reassurance that he won’t get rejected if he asks you out (if he decides to). Compliment him, but not just the way a friend would. Tell him he looks really attractive in his blue shirt. Or that the afternoon light makes his eyes look amazing. Tell him he’s so good at things — you get the picture. Smile at him more than you would a friend, laugh at his jokes, and make him feel like you’d be a great person to date, so he’ll want to take it to the next level. 🙂

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