[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, according to your pre-posting questionnaire, you’re 30 and single, and he’s 35, married with three kids. You’ve been messaging him for eight months, but never dated — and you want [i]him[/i] to let go of [i]you[/i]? 😯 There’s nothing to let go of. You’re not dating. And you can simply stop messaging him. Poof! It’ll all be over. He’s not holding you back. You are. 😕 It sounds like you’re trying to create a relationship in your head, that doesn’t exist in real life. The question you need to ask yourself is why you’re doing this. Choosing a married man who isn’t available to date is another way you’re making sure this relationship doesn’t happen in real life. 😳 The problem here is that you’re afraid to date real guys who are available and interested in you. 😉

My advice is to stop texting this guy who’s married and won’t date you — and start looking for available, interesting guys to date in real life. Once you’re out there dating, you won’t feel you need a fantasy life of texting to keep your mind occupied — because you’ll have a real, vibrant social life. I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, you’re 28 and he’s 42. You’re single and he’s divorced and single. You live on opposite coasts and have only had a 3 day meet up — seven months ago — during the year you’ve had this long distance relationship. What you have to understand is that if a 42 year old guy wants to see you, he will. He’ll fly out to date you. He’ll fly you in to date him. He’ll send flowers and presents and he’ll let you know what his intentions are. By not doing any of these things, he’s letting you know that he likes having you around, but he’s not investing in the relationship. You have to understand as well, that because dating is competitive, he’s probably dating other women as well as keeping you around — because there is very little downside for him.

So, decide what YOU want. 😉 If you want to date someone regularly and have a commitment that will lead to a long term relationship in the same city and even the same house, this isn’t your guy. If you’re bored and lonely, then this contact will probably offset your discomfort — until you realize it’s not going anywhere. In general, if a guy you meet online hasn’t asked you out for an in person date by the three month since meeting mark, chances are, he’s not interested in a traditional relationship. I think that’s what’s going on here.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 25 years old, and it’s time to take yourself out of the victim role. If you don’t, this is going to end badly — worse than it’s been going on. You have to come clean to your wife and your family about what’s going on. There’s no other way around this. What you’ve been avoiding is what keeps you in this victim role. I don’t know how your wife is going to react to this, but it’s much better if you are the one to tell her about this in order to stop this dynamic, than if she finds out from someone else or on her own. Be completely honest with her and get it all out so you can stop being blackmailed and being a victim.

You might want to also consult an attorney to find out about whether this situation is a legal one as well as a relational one.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The important thing is that the two of you have been dating for 18 months and discussing marriage. In addition to which it really doesn’t seem like the two of them have more than a flirtation, since the one time they met, she brought her husband. I completely understand your distress that he lied to you about this meeting, but now you have to decide how to proceed, and my advice is that you try to put yourself in his shoes. Empathy is going to help you understand his point of view and make a decision about your own behavior.

He’s probably got a crush on her, but he’s in love with you. Even if he marries you, he’s not going to be dead — just married. In other words, he’ll still find women attractive. He’ll still flirt. And he’ll still crush. This doesn’t mean he’s going to be unfaithful or that your marriage will be in trouble. The question is how much of this you can be okay with. I’ve seen couples break up without any cheating because one person is so worried the other will cheat, that that worry becomes the breaking point. This is what you want to avoid.

I think that for now, you have to back off your worry that he’s going to cheat. You’re in a committed relationship with him. Make the relationship your focus — not the obstacles that you imagine. Bring your A game and consider his feelings for her competition — not a straw to break the camel’s back. If you put him on the defense, you’re in a weaker position than if you compete and win him over. And consider that it might be better if you keep quiet about what you’ve learned by going through his phone, and give him the opportunity to disclose it to you when he’s ready. If you do, you’re both in a much stronger relationship position than if you accuse him of lying and he accuses you of snooping.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your confusion comes from not paying attention to his behavior and not wanting to see the truth. 😳 I know you feel that he’s a long lost love and the one that got away — but he doesn’t feel that way about you. In fact, when a man’s words and behavior don’t match up, trust his behavior. The reality is that he hasn’t flown to see you once. 😮 He hasn’t made sexual advances in three years. And he isn’t showing behavior that indicates that he feels like you’re someone he’s really into. Words are one thing, but behavior is what counts. 😉

Bottom line: He’s not that into you. 🙁

You’re both in your 50s, and in three years you’ve only had two in person dates — both with you flying to see him, and paying for your own hotel room. And there’s been no sexual contact. I’m guessing no making out or kissing, either. Now, you’re about to fly to see him for a third visit in which you’re planning to stay at his house, and he’s backing out. 😥 He doesn’t want to have this visit in his house, if at all. Instead of seeing this clearly, you’re trying to be confused because that way you don’t have to accept rejection. But that’s just a way to put off the inevitable. I know this is going to hurt, and I’m sorry for the pain you’ll feel, but by acting confused, you’re just delaying the pain. Time to focus on the reality of the situation!

My advice is to not continue to chase him by flying to see him — and instead, to give him the opportunity to come after you. 😉 If he does, you’ll know he wants a relationship that’s beyond long distance talking and texting. If he doesn’t, then you have to understand that this is all he wants, and he may very well be dating someone in his home town. 😕

I hope that helps. Sorry it isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s best to understand the truth.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that you’re having such a rough time getting over the break up. Since you wrote in your pre-posting questionnaire, that you’re both 22 and this is a 5 year relationship, it sounds like it’s probably your first serious relationship as well. That makes it more important and a little more difficult to move past. Unfortunately, there’s no short cut for getting through this tough situation — break ups are painful and they take time to heal. But if you focus on what is good in your life and stay busy, seeing friends and family and focusing on school, work, volunteer work and other worthy parts of life, the break up will be less painless. Try not to let yourself get down too often — and if you feel you are, call a friend or family member to talk to and go to a movie with or to go for a walk in the park. Staying busy and keeping those who care about you, close, is the best thing you can do until you start to feel like the relationship is part of your past.

I hope that helps and that you feel better soon.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, you’re 18 and he’s 22 and you’ve been together for about six months with one failed attempt at sex and no other tries. You found gay porn on his phone, but didn’t tell him about it, and he’s told you that in the past he thought he might be gay, but decided he wasn’t.

First, I think you need to be honest with him and tell him that you found the gay porn on his phone. Because it bothers you, whether it was gay or straight porn, talking about it is something that any couple (gay, straight or anything else) would do because honesty is important in any healthy relationship. So talk to him about what you found and why you didn’t talk to him about it right away. This may open up the conversation about your concerns that he is gay and not comfortable with admitting it to himself as well as others.

Second, don’t move in with him. Six months is not enough time to know someone enough to make an important decision about moving in together. In general, I advise that you date someone for three months, after which you decide if you want to continue dating them, and if you do, for six months to decide if you want to be monogamous. I don’t think you have the goods to be monogamous with someone you have so many questions about.

So talk to him about the porn and his possibly being gay, and if after doing so, you want to continue to date him, you should do so, mindfully.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re 31 and she’s 45 and she’s your family’s maid. Got it. Since you’ve only been out on a few dates together, don’t jump the gun! Use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating each other. If you both do, then use the second three months of dating to see if you want monogamy with each other. It’s way too soon to be discussing marriage. 😉 And it’s also way too soon to be discussing love. Take the pressure of yourself by just getting to know each other. Marriage is a big deal so don’t rush things.

If, however, you are afraid to date her because she may quit if she doesn’t like your behavior or your feelings — you’re focusing on your fear, not the relationship. Any relationship where you make decisions based on fear, is not going to be healthy or go the distance.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Relationships are tough. Especially, long term relationships where there are children involved. The best advice I can give you is to be brutally honest with yourself about what you want in a relationship and what you offer someone else. Then be brutally honest with her about whether or not the two of you have enough compatibility to make the longterm work. Things like financial goals and behaviors, ideas of how you want to live your day to day lives together and apart, and whether or not you want kids and if so how many and when, are all some of the business-like topics you have to tackle over and over again in a healthy, successful relationship. Lots of people who think that love is like the movies, end up failing because while we all have moments that resemble movie romance, real long term relationships involve death and taxes! Sex over the long term is something you have to be patient with and nourish. It sometimes flags and sometimes you have to prioritize it in a way you never dreamed you would need to. Keeping your side of the street clean and seducing her while taking care of yourself is part of the way you get that sex life back. Finding ways to freshen the spark — or revive it with heart attack paddles when it’s really down in the dumps — is crucial, and normal.

Your description is really about broad strokes, not specifics, so here are the broad stroke remedies and the way to think about whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue with, or not. If the fights you mentioned are about the same things over and over, then let me know and we can address them. But if they’re just random and garden variety fights, chances are, there is an underlying problem that you haven’t articulated or figured out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Decide what you REALLY want. 😉 Since you’re newly separated at the end of a long-term marriage, it makes sense that you want to see what else is out there for you. 🙂 But remember, finding someone at work, is like shooting ducks in a barrel. It’s easy — and in this case, you can probably end up having sex with him, but at a price. He’s in a long-term relationship with a girlfriend and the two of you work together, so if things get complicated, they’re going to be complicated at your workplace. My advice is to accept his rejection and embrace dating outside of the office. Hopefully, your divorce will be completed soon, which prevents you dating as a married person, and allows you to play the field and figure out what it is you really want in a guy. But for now… he’s been clear with you, and if we all acted on every feeling we had, we’d be living in chaos! You can be attracted to someone and not have sex with them — and in this case, since he’s said he’d rather not because he has a girlfriend, this might be an excellent reason to hold off. Look beyond the office and beyond anyone who’s already in a long-term relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question. In life there are choices, and your now-ex has made a choice that you don’t like. Because you’re 18 and she’s 17 (thanks for the pre-posting questionnaire information), she’s probably more in tune with her peers, as a teenager, than she may be later in life when she has more experiences and more opportunities to understand that friends are important, but not at the expense of their being selfish. The cost to her for focusing on her girl code is that she’s losing out on a great guy (that would be you!). Don’t be surprised if she figures this out down the line and isn’t quite sure how to get your attention again. In fact, if you back off and live your life, you may find that she starts flirting with you again to try and get your interest back, realizing her mistake.

So, give this time and space — and be open to her figuring out that what she decided wasn’t the best decision she could have made, or even the last decision on this issue she may make. And if it was…. then she’s not the one for you. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t love or friendship. Sorry. 🙁

He wants to have sex with you, and that’s it. According to your pre-posting questionnaire, you’re 22 and he’s 25 and you’ve never dated. You’ve been connecting long distance via technology, and sexting, and you offered to go to see him in his country, and now he wants to have sex. For more experienced daters this may come as no surprise, but if you’re relatively new to dating, here’s the deal… if a guy wants to date you he will. If he doesn’t, he won’t. This guy hasn’t made any effort to come to your country to see you — you’re going to him. 😕 He hasn’t offered to take you to dinner or put you up in a hotel (separate from his place). He’s just looking for what’s easy, and if you are, he’s in.

There’s nothing wrong with this — as long as you don’t fool yourself into thinking this is more than what it really is. When a guy wants to have sex with you on the first time getting together, he’s not usually interested in more than that. If he wants to take you out and get to know you outside of sex, chances are he’s interested in a more well-rounded relationship that goes beyond sex.

As for his being in love with you… guys sometimes say what they need to say to keep you in the game. For best relationship results, pay attention to his behavior. What he says is less important than what he does and how he treats you. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The way you end a relationship is important. If you send the necklace back to him, it’s a way of saying you’re done and you don’t want any remnant of him in your life. And if you sell the necklace, it’s a way of defaming his having given you that gift. My advice is that you send him a letter apologizing for acting rashly and explaining that you did not sell the necklace — you said you did because you were so hurt and angry — and that although the relationship is over, you’ll always treasure the beautiful gift and the time in which he gave it to you and in which you were so happy to accept it. This gives you another chance to end the relationship on a kind and generous note by apologizing, showing that you valued the gift and the gesture, and that you’ll keep it as a memento of what was good when it was good.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

1. Should I factor the snap into my choice of saying something to her or not

It depends what you want to say. Dating is competitive, and if you want to date her, you’ve got competition. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a try. Why not try and win her over?

2. Is it weird that I still look at her snaps?

No. It’s normal. People keep up with those they’re interested in. You’re not over her.

3. Is there a point in saying anything else besides the thank you I said before seeing the bag?

If you want to date her, then you have to give it a try. I don’t think it’s pointless because you’re in this holding pattern where you can’t move on because you don’t feel totally rejected and that there’s still a chance. And she may be keeping the door cracked open with the card she left on your doorstep. There’s only one way to know for sure, and that’s to invite her out on a date. If she says no, then you should move on. But if she says yes, forget the BMW guy — you’re in. No matter what car you’re driving! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in the friend zone, and she’s still interested. Time for you to make a move and reclaim your status as a date! Stop seeing her as a friend and communicating with her as a friend, and tell her you want to take her out on a date and give things another try. Tell her you’ve learned your lesson, and you want her so much that you’ll back off even when you don’t want to. And see what happens! If she agrees to date you, then go for it — with your lessons learned. And if she doesn’t want to date you, then you have to back off and find the exit door. Otherwise, you’re going to be wasting your time and energy with someone who doesn’t want to date you, when others out there, who do, will be missed. It’s hard to date other people and be really single, when you’ve got a friend zone prospective — so see if she’ll date you and if not, find someone who will.

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