[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re coming on a little too strong. 😕 Guys like it when they are the ones who pursue you, but when you do the chasing, it can come off as desperate. 😳 If he tells you he’s going to call you, then wait and let him be the one to call you. Just because you want to talk to him, doesn’t mean you should. You’ve only been dating about a month, so you have to understand that he’s probably dating other people as well. The first three months of dating are simply to get to know each other and find out if you want to continue dating each other — if you come across as needy, he may not find the relationship he has with you to be what he wants. Play hard to get. I know it sounds old fashioned, but it works.

Also, when he asks you how you’ll feel if he can’t see you, and you tell him that it’s fine, you’re letting him know that you don’t care that much about him. I know you probably didn’t intend that to be the message he got, but he was hurt and lashed out. It might have been better if you’d told him you would be disappointed if you couldn’t see him — that would make him feel valuable and wanted. What’s happening is you’re telling him you don’t care if he shows up and then you’re calling him too much — it’s a very mixed message for him. Think about what you say and how you behave, and how he will interpret it. Lots of people miscommunicate because even though they had no intention of sending a particular message, the person receiving the message gets a completely different picture of the relationship.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in the friend zone. 😕 To get out of the friend zone, you have to stop acting like a friend. That means that unless he asks you out on a date, and actually dates you, you shouldn’t be that available to him. When you talk to him every night, you’re not giving him the chance to miss you and ask you out. So limit your contact and act lie a girlfriend, not a friend. 😉

As for the long distance, since you’re both 18, according to your pre-posting questionnaire, it’s difficult to have the funds and resources to fly back and forth to see each other, so if he wants to date in real life, and you’re not there for a Saturday night date, he may not see you as someone who fulfills his dating needs for now.

Bottom line, my advice is to play the field, be available to date him — but don’t be his friend.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When someone asks for a break in the relationship — it usually means they’re not that happy and they either want to test the waters by dating other people, or they want a true break up and this is the best way they know how to do that. Believe it or not, breaking up is very difficult for some people to do, especially when there’s no fighting or arguing. She may not have wanted to hurt your feelings, so she just asked for a break, prolonging the pain — until you figure out that this isn’t just a break, it’s a break up. Bottom line, if you’re not dating each other then you’re not dating each other. She’s dating other people, and without a reunion date on the horizon, this is your new normal.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Two things are going on. First, you’re over-eager and hyper focused on his reactions. That’s creating anxiety for you. 😳 Know this: if someone doesn’t respond to a text for a few hours, that’s very normal. It may just mean that he has a life! 🙂 Very happy couples wait hours to respond to each other via text. It doesn’t mean there’s a problem. Now, if someone doesn’t respond for a couple of days, that’s less normal. So reset your bar on text responses.

Second, don’t forget — you’re the one who asked him, not the other way around, so it makes sense that you might like him more than he likes you. Otherwise, he would have asked you. If he doesn’t seem that interested any more, the reality is that he might not be. I know you’re disappointed, but sometimes this happens. Remember — when you pursue someone, that makes you the pursuer. Switching roles and expecting him to pursue you, when you asked him for the date, is going to create anxiety, which is what’s happening. That said…. you can flirt with him and try to engage him and try to get him interested in you — 😎 and that might solve the problem!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like there are a few yellow flags here at the four-five month mark in this relationship. The first yellow flag is that you feel that you’re not his type and you’re a little self-conscious about that. You’re concerned that because people tell you that you look high maintenance, and because you’re not as formally educated as the women he usually dates, he may be using you for short term gains, and not be truly interested in a serious, long-term, monogamous commitment. When he mentioned that his mother is worried that women may be using him for his money, so he needs to be careful about not getting you pregnant and invoking a child-support commitment, you felt that yellow flag you was justified. Understandable.

The second yellow flag is that although you’ve had some sexual escapades together, the two of you have never had intercourse in four months, and you don’t understand what’s keeping him from that act when he seems very into you sexually. Again, understandable.

So, here’s my advice. Don’t try to push this relationship or try to force it into something it isn’t. Instead, and I know this is going to take discipline on your part, sit back and observe the relationship while you’re in it. Move away from commitment and towards a place of deciding if you want a commitment with this person. If you’re not comfortable in the relationship and he’s making you uncomfortable by pointing out an inequity that worries him, reconsider. Don’t plunge ahead. And if there’s a sexual issue, and you discuss it with him, and don’t see changes or reactions that you feel are part of a healthy relationship you want to be in, consider that this may not be a great relationship for you.

Part of the problem is that you’re trying to make this work instead of deciding if it will work. You’re painting yourself into a corner as a victim, when you’re not. You have a lot of assets of your own, and if you’re with someone who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and about the relationship, reconsider the relationship and him. Lighten up and laugh it off — instead of bearing down and trying to fix a four/five month old relationship with someone you’re not sure of.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

These are good questions. You’re 24 and he’s 28, and you’re wanting a commitment, but you’re with someone who’s been clear from the beginning that he isn’t sure he wants a commitment. That you also mention his finances not being where he wants them to be in order to be committed, makes me think you’re looking for either marriage, or a serious, monogamous, long-term thing. I get it. 😉

Trust your instincts. This guy may have lovely qualities, but he’s making it very clear that after dating for nine months, he’s not necessarily up for marriage or even anything that serious. At your age, looking for a serious commitment, you should be dating someone who wants the same things you do — whether from you or someone else. I know you feel you’ve invested nine months, but if he’s being this clear after all this time, take him seriously. 😉 The two of you don’t have the same goals for the relationship.

Here’s my advice for dating in general: Use the first three months of dating someone to decide if you want to continue dating them. You and he should be playing the field at the same time. If you do want to continue dating, use the next three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. What this does is to take the pressure of the two of you to be a couple and focuses on getting to know each other without that pressure.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, you’re 52 and playing online games with guys who are middle-aged and you’re curious about why they don’t ask you out, when they appear to be interested, or worse, just cut off the online conversation while playing these games, and move on. Got it. 😉

First of all, if you are looking for guys to date, online games are not a good milieu. The reason is that these guys are pretty much really here to play games. If they were looking to date, they’d go to an online dating site. Second, when a guy wants to date you he will. These guys aren’t asking you out. And third, flirting doesn’t always lead to anything beyond flirting. It’s a relatively innocent way of enjoying an exchange or just feeling sexual without any risk of rejection. I think you’re hoping it will lead to a date, and it doesn’t. These guys you’re flirting with online are probably multi-tasking. They’re probably playing multiple games at once, or working at some job and playing games, or doing other things and playing games. This means they’re flirting with lots of other game players, too. They may be married. They may have serious girlfriends. They’re just flirting — with no intention of it going beyond flirting. The flirting is fun and it feels good for them, but that’s all they’re interested in.

I hope that explains their behavior. As for you, it sounds like you want to date, which is great — but my advice is to focus on finding guys who want the same thing. Look for guys to date in real life, where you can read their cues verbally and non-verbally at the same time, or on dating sites where they’re clear about what they want, as are you. 🙂 I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t really give me very many clues! It sounds like you want to better understand the changing relationship between you and your boss. And from what little you’ve written, it sounds like he’s got a crush on you, but since you’re married, as indicated in your pre-posting questionnaire, you’re not sure what to do with your boss. My advice is to focus on what you want. If you want to be married, then you should be professional at work, and if you don’t want to be married, then focus on either working on your marriage, or divorcing. Getting involved with your boss while you’re married is going to create a lot of chaos at work and at home, so be clear on your own goals before too long, and then act on what it is you want – with clarity. 😉 I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’ve been communicating and miscommunicating 😕 electronically, so why not break that pattern? Give it a week or two and then send her flowers. That’s going to get her attention and it should have a positive affect. When you’re in a bickering rut where you can’t quite get out of it, change the mode of communication. 🙂 Whether you send her a bouquet of sunflowers, a dozen roses or some bright posies with a balloon or a stuffed animal — by giving her a little gift like this, you’re showing her you’re willing to make a change and you’re still interested. 😀

Social media is great — but it can also be the method for lots of miscommunication and impulsive things “said” that you later wish you could take back, and can’t. That’s why the idea of sending her something that shows your interest and breaks the online issues you’re having, might get you that second date. But if you do get a second date, remember: Dating is competitive, and when you meet someone on a dating site, they’re meeting lots of other folks, as are you, too! So you have to always have your A game going with online dating, so you can win.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’ve already answered this question for you. 😉 Please try and refrain from posting the same question more than once. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 51 and he’s 46 and you’ve been together for nine years — and you’re both addicts who use some type of substance together. I don’t know if you’re in love with each other. You probably have feelings for each other, and you have this addiction in common. Typically, addicts are committed to their relationship with a substance first and foremost. Everyone else takes a back seat to that relationship. But since you both have this matching lifestyle baggage, you may be well suited for each other. Only you can know your feelings. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I agree with [b]bookworm[/b]. He is definitely interested in you — but he hasn’t broken up with his girlfriend, so if you do get involved with him, you’ll have competition from the get go! That’s not a bad thing, but just be realistic about what you’re getting into and why. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 33 and your live-in girlfriend is 34 and you’ve been together for a year, but the relationship has gone downhill because your sex life has flagged and she’s not interested in talking about the problem or doing anything about it. If she isn’t interested in changing anything, then the ball is entirely in your court. That means you can try and seduce her beyond what you’ve been doing, or you can explain that this is a deal breaker for you and that if the two of you can’t improve on your sex life, you’re going to have to move on. If she cares about the relationship, then she should care about your needs and desires — just as you do, hers. Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship and if she’s not willing to respect your needs, this isn’t a good or healthy relationship for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it — you wrote in your pre-posting questionnaire that you’re two guys who are 22 and 24. It’s a little confusing because in your post, you referred to yourself as a girlfriend, so I don’t know if you made a mistake somewhere or not. Anyway… the two of you broke up after three months of dating because you’re in different places now. That makes a lot of sense. The problem is that you’re staying in touch and that’s prolonging the breakup. Now, you’ve got all kinds of miscommunications because you’re broken up but still in touch. If you really want to do long distance, then you have to cut each other a lot of slack and understand that you’ll both be dating other people in the meantime. If you can’t do that, then continuing like this probably isn’t a good idea.

In general, a dating model I like to share is this: Use the first three months of dating someone to decide if you want to continue seeing them. If you do, then use the next six months of dating to see if you want to be monogamous. This time frame slows things down and forces you to focus on the relationship, and not racing ahead to “define” the relationship.

And I know you have strong feelings — even feelings of love — for this guy, but just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean it’s right to act on it. Since you’re both young — it sounds like you’re in college and he’s going to be 24 next week — understand that if you love someone you can’t date because of distance, it’s probably best for both of you to cut off contact, date people in your geographical area, and when you’re able to fly back and forth and really invest the time and money in a relationship, THEN, it’s a good time to act on those feelings.

I hope that helps! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t really mess up. You’re normal. People need support, and having sex for the first time is a big deal — not to mention that having a boyfriend going through depression and emotional problems on top of that, is just plain old very difficult. By reaching out to a trusted friend for support, you were taking care of your own mental health and that’s the best way to be a good girlfriend, a good friend and a good family member. You have to take care of yourself first in order to be there for others. That said, because you’re both 17, so a lot of life is still new to you, and you made the promise not to talk about having sex because you thought it was a promise you could keep. Turns out you made an honest mistake and under the stressful circumstances that followed, it was not a promise you could keep because of your own emotional pressures. Remember, you didn’t mass blast the broken promise in an email or on social media. You discretely told one friend so she could help you. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend and be honest. Chances are, he may have done the same thing you have, and has been too upset to tell you.

Just so you know, in long-term marriages, spouse typically have a best friend or family member they turn to with “secrets” and their spouses understand that it’s impossible to put relationship pressure on each other that can better be alleviated by having a friend to go to. Often these couples tell each other who the friend is so that there’s an understanding between them of who they go to with secrets when they need to.

I hope that helps.

[Member]

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