[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 42 and he’s 39. You’re both divorced, and after a year of dating each other, he doesn’t love you (and isn’t looking for love), doesn’t meet your sexual needs and is clear with you that you’re not his physical type. 😯 If you’re looking for a committed, loving relationship, I don’t think this is going to be one that brings you happiness in the long run (or the short run). Why not try to find a man who thinks you’re a goddess? And who is great in bed? And who loves you? 😉 I think you can do better — but you have to believe you deserve better and you have to want better. That you wrote me asking if you should end it, implies you know you should. Get back out there and play the field. Be clear about what you want in a relationship and don’t waste time with someone who isn’t turned on by you, or who doesn’t want love. 😉 And be glad it’s only one year in, and not more than that. Next! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Friends with benefits with an ex is understandable — but not a great idea if you what you want is a committed, monogamous relationship. Sex changes things and I guarantee you’ll feel jealousy if he starts dating someone else while he’s sleeping with you under the banner of friends with benefits. If you were really just friends, you’d be happy that he found someone that he liked — even if it’s not you! But since you’re truly not just friends — and not even just friends with benefits — you’re more than that — you’re in for some delayed heartbreak with this new relationship status. He doesn’t want to lose you — but he doesn’t want to commit to you. This in-between phase isn’t a great idea for the long run. Break ups are difficult because they’re a loss and that’s painful — but if you don’t experience that loss, it’s very difficult to feel truly single. And until you feel truly single, you’re not going to be available to meet someone new who may want the commitment you really want. 😉

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, I don’t think you should call off the wedding. That would be a rash move that’s just another step in this escalating communication break down. You’ve been dating for two years and it sounds like the problems just started a little while ago because you felt that you weren’t getting enough communication. The thing is, it sounds like there was something underlying this issue of communication. I know you don’t like it when he goes silent, but what do you think he’s doing when he goes silent? Are you afraid of his being with someone else? Losing interest in you? Being someone who is petty? Cheating on you? In other words, what are you afraid is happening when you can’t reach him or don’t hear from him? It sounds like his silence triggers some fear in you and you panic and start acting out. That’s why cancelling the wedding is a bad idea. It would just be more acting out. Instead, stop the spiral downward. You have a lot invested here. Don’t blow it on this. See if you can work it out first — especially after two years of dating. 😉

I think that as hard as it is, you should give him space to contact you. Let him be the one to reach out next. And when you do connect with him, don’t engage in fighting. Instead, tell him you missed him and you can’t wait to see him again. See if you can get back on track by breaking the cycle of passive aggressive behavior that you’ve both engaged in, and instead of being mad at him, let him know you love and miss him and can’t wait to see him again. This will be a behavioral change for you — but you can do it! 🙂 And keep your eye on the ball. Your wedding is in five months from now. Focus on the wedding — and try not to sabotage the relationship because you’re frustrated that you’re not having as much communication as you’d like to be. Long distance relationships require a lot more patience and understanding for exactly this type of situation! It’s a lot harder to keep in touch with someone who’s not in your city, state or country, and you have to allow for a lot more than you would if you were in the same place.

I hope that helps. 😉 Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are no guarantees — but you can hedge against heartbreak by dating smart. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Great! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you let the guy take the lead, you won’t feel the “need to decode”. 😉 When a guy wants to date you, he’ll ask you out. If he doesn’t ask you out, he doesn’t want to date you. It’s all that simple. What’s happening here is that either you get impatient or you don’t want to deal with his not wanting to ask you out, so you start to pursue him. When he became distant you told him you really liked him, in an attempt to reel him in, but by making that kind of declaration, he felt he needed to set things straight and he told you he wants to just be friends. 😕 He’s trying to let you down gently, and you keep looking for reasons to keep him in the game or ways to decode his behavior as he clarifies his disinterest in romance. 😕 The thing is, it’s much easier to feel the sting of rejection and move on than to continue to pursue someone who keeps backing off. You can continue to flirt with him if you want to, but don’t count on him since he hasn’t asked you out on a date and he keeps backing away as you pursue him. Play the field, don’t put all your focus on him, and let the guy lead, in general, so you’re not so confused. 🙂 I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes it’s not about you. Thanks to your pre-posting questionnaire, I see that you’re 26 and have been divorced for five years now, and that this relationship you’re writing about lasted for a year and a half. However, your ex-girlfriend is 25 and has been divorced for one year, but has been with you for a year and a half…. so the two of you were dating while she was married. That’s got to have created some conflict for her. In addition,you said that she told a friend that she had a hard time with “the constant breaking up” that the two of you were doing…. Sounds like she’s had some more conflict, there. She’s had a lot going on in a short amount of time and if you can appreciate all that, you’ll understand that this isn’t just about you — it’s about her marriage ending and your part in it — whether you helped her do something she maybe didn’t realize she wanted, or did and now wishes she had back, or that she thought she wanted and maybe now doesn’t. Sometimes no matter what you do, the other person is the one who has to do their own work…. Because you live next door to each other, it’s a lot harder to move on, and you seem to have a very involving social media life which is confusing you further. So, here’s my suggestion: Take a social media vacation! Just stop using it and give yourself a three month break from it so it isn’t confusing to you. By limiting your contact with her to your in person run ins, you’ll have a lot less opportunity to get confused. In addition, that three month break will give you time and space to clear you mind. It’ll also give her a chance to clear hers as well. Check in with her in 3 months and see if she wants to have coffee…. but for now, give her a chance to get over her marriage, divorce and what she described as “constant breaking up” with you. You’ll have a lot clearer picture of things with that social media vacation and some time.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not really a love triangle. You’ve had two dates.

He dated someone for three years and broke up with her six months ago, and after he had two dates with you, realized he isn’t ready to move on and told you so. I know you’re disappointed and you like him, but I think you should respect what he’s telling you and count yourself lucky! You only invested two dates in this guy — not two years or even two months. That’s a huge break for you. The fact that he’s not ready and he knows it is super valuable information, and you should use it to understand that he’s just not compatible because of it. Time to move on. You’ll find someone who’s ready, and you’ll be much happier. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Put on your running shoes and bolt. 😕

This guy doesn’t care about you. If you’re waiting for marriage to have sex, and he got a hotel room for your birthday after you’ve been dating only one month, you should be able to see that he’s not thinking of you. Besides, according to the pre-posting questionnaire you filled out, he’s got [b]four children under the age of five[/b] — and the youngest is only 10 months old — this isn’t a guy who takes commitment or responsibility (or birth control) very seriously. The fact that he’s eight years older than you isn’t really important, but the fact that he doesn’t appear to be someone who is respectful, is. Definitely break up with him and find someone who is a good match for you — who wants the same things you do and who has a good character. You’ll be much happier. 🙂 And less confused.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Trust your instincts. 😉 And then use my model for smart dating. 🙂 Use the first three months of dating anyone and everyone to simply decide if you want to continue dating that person. During this three month period you should be playing the field and assume others are, as well. This keeps the pressure off and lets you really assess the person, yourself and the relationship! You’re more likely to make smart choices when you’re not feeling pressured and when you give yourself time to really get to know someone. When someone wants a commitment before even dating you once, they’re putting pressure on you, themselves, and the relationship, unnecessarily. Monogamy should be earned, not handed out like a business card at a networking event. 😉

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi there!

I see from your pre-posting questionnaire that she is 18 years old now, and you say you’ve been helping her change her life for a year and a half, and don’t see any progress. It’s much easier to choose someone to date that you don’t have to change. 😉 Changing someone else is tough. Changing yourself is a lot easier, so why not choose women who are compatible with you from the get go?! You’ll have a much happier and healthier time with them, and you won’t have to invest so much time pushing a boulder up a hill (only to have it roll back down). You did not make a mistake breaking up with her, and now, your challenge is to find someone who’s compatible and doesn’t need change. 🙂 I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve been with a married man for a long time now, and you’ve been living with him for five years, knowing he’s married. His wife found out, his daughter is upset, he’s trying to make it work with them and keep you in the game, too. You figured out that he lied to you about his wife joining him and his daughter on a family vacation. I’m pretty sure there are other lies, as well. This is a guy who keeps a lot of plates spinning on sticks — to keep them from crashing down.

You’re mad. I get it. Anyone would. But…. you’re not really mad at him. I think you’re mad at yourself. You made a bad bet when you convinced yourself that he would be true to you — while married to another woman. 😕 Now, you want to lash out at his wife because you can’t get him to change. Again — I get it. But it’s not going to help you. The number of ways that scenario can go wrong is in the double digits. Besides, why hurt her simply because you’re hurt? Why not do something to make yourself feel better for the long run?

If you choose to stay with this guy, know that you will never come first. Since he’s an addict, his relationship with whatever makes him feel good (alcohol or some substitute) will always be ahead of you. Next will be his daughter. Then his daughter’s mother. Then, if you’re lucky, it’ll be you — but there are probably other relationships in between him and you that will push you further back down the line. But if you’re okay with that reality, then stay. If you’re not, and you want to be first, then you have to choose someone who will put you first. Don’t blame him… he’s being himself and he’s giving you clarity — even with his lies. Take responsibility for your own choices and make one that is truly in your best interest that will bring you happiness and peace. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi there! I completely understand your problem and why you’re confused. You want to get things moving in the right direction so they don’t stagnate — but you also, at the exact same time, don’t want to appear to be too pushy, desperate or needy. And you don’t get why he isn’t moving forward more clearly and quickly. Understood! Completely get it. 😉

So, first, the thing is, you haven’t mentioned anything that [i]you’ve[/i] done — just what [i]he’s[/i] done. Guys want to lead and win — but they also want to know that they’re not going to be rejected. They’re way more sensitive than many people give them credit for! 😉 So your job is to give him something to chase after. He wants a clue that he’s not going to get hurt with a rejection from you. So how do you do that? Flirting is an excellent tool to use! Smile at him — as you would someone you want to date, not someone you’re simply greeting at work. Use your body language — play with your hair when you talk to him, and laugh at all his jokes. Compliment him on his appearance, the way he does his job so well, his athletic build — whatever you see that is worthy, let him know. This will mean way more to him than you may realize. 🙂 It’s going to boost his confidence, his self esteem and his good feelings about you (and himself when he’s in your presence).

Next, dial it up a little. Bring him some homemade cookies and when he waves at you at work, flag him over — and tell him you were thinking of him while at home baking! This is way better than you asking him out for coffee. It’s giving him a little gift of appreciation and recognition and it gives him the message that you’re kind and you’re thinking of him and you’re interested. 😎 It also gives him way more of a clue that you want him to ask you out than simply smiling and waving does. 😉

I like this strategy better than your asking him out for coffee. It’s always tricky when a woman does the asking in spite of what a lot of people think about women doing the asking. I vote for you to let him ask — don’t you do it. I hear from so many women who do the asking and end up even more confused than before they asked. They have ask, have a date, pay and leave, and then wonder why he isn’t calling. They’re not just stuck in the same spot as they were before asking — they’re even more confused. So let him ask — but definitely give him a big clue that you like him enough to want him to take you out on a date.

Let me know how things go!! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re jealous of his relationships with his female friends, all of whom he’s slept with and keeps seeing because he says they don’t mean anything to him. Hmmm…. I think anyone would understand why you’re unsettled. Guys who keep their exes around and socialize with them, create a very rocky road for any future relationships. As you know, sex changes things and when couples have sex, they are not friends. It would be one thing if he had an ex who is now married and wants to double date with the two of you, but if all his friends are women and all his friends have had sex with him, and he wants to keep it that way in spite of your discomfort then I think you have to be brutally honest with yourself.

Instead of trying to change him, ask yourself what is important to you. If you want a committed, long-term relationship that leads to marriage and children, can you have that with someone who keeps his exes close? Most people can’t. This is really about you and what works for you. It feels like you’re trying to hold onto him and the relationship, but not wanting to truly face this incompatibility. Exes factor into compatibility — whether they’re ex spouses or ex lovers. Just like step-kids and in-laws, exes can make or break a relationship based on compatibility in the way the two of you handle exes. The other thing to consider is that he may just not be ready for a deep commitment with you and keeping these exes around makes him feel less committed to you than if he was ready for marriage and wanted to put you on a pedestal and make it clear to the world that you’re the most important woman in his life.

I hope that helps.

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