[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think she is stringing you along. I think she’s being very mature by not wanting to start something up where your job would be in jeopardy, and at the same time, letting you know that when she’s in college, she’d be open to seeing you. Camp situations are very emotionally and sexually charged because you’re in a confined area with attractive people, having fun for the summer. It makes sense that you’re all thinking about dating — but…. she’s definitely doing the right thing and so, too, are you by waiting. I think you have a shot with her when she’s in college. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Do you have a question for me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Is this guy who broke up with you the same guy from the previous post? The married guy with twins?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I completely understand why you’re upset, and I think it’s great that you were able to articulate your feelings ahead of time. Lots of guys would say it’s okay, go — and then they’d get really angry, and with time the anger would fester, and finally, there’d be a huge blow out that could have been avoided if they’d been as in touch and as articulate as you are. So, give yourself credit! 🙂 I know this is tough, but you’re handling it well.

Next, I suggest you drop the right vs. wrong model of relationships. 😉 Relationships are about what works and what doesn’t work and whether the two of you are compatible. In this scenario, you felt the relationship was threatened, and she may have had no idea that her ex is interested in a fling, a seduction, rekindling romance or even winning her back — or just getting back at you by being with her. You’ve got guy radar that she may not pick up on, and she may truly think that her ex is just a friendly ex. Your instincts are telling you otherwise, and you should trust them. However… you may also feel that she’s holding out a candle for him, and she may be testing the waters of that relationship within the parameters of this sleepover party.

Your compromise that if you could meet her friends and ex, you’d feel comfortable with her going, was very generous. I would have suggested that as her boyfriend, she bring you along for the night-long event. I mean, I know there are groups of 21 year olds who go out in packs as friends, but how hard would it be for you to be invited and included? Sure, it may be awkward because her ex is in the group, but it would also be an important relationship step for her to choose you and show her group of friends that you’re important to her — so much so, that she’d rather bring you than not bring you, so you don’t feel uncomfortable. That she didn’t speaks to her feelings about the relationship. She’s putting it in the back seat, and her ex in the front seat. She’s also putting your feelings last, and her social status as dating but not [i]that[/i] committed, first.

Usually, I tell people that the first three months of dating is about getting to know each other and deciding if you want to continue seeing each other, and if you get past that time frame, the next three months of dating are about deciding if you want to be monogamous or not. You’re at the six month mark where monogamy is on the table and she may be feeling the pressure of a relationship she isn’t one hundred percent certain she wants to commit to. While that’s disappointing, you’re a no nonsense guy, and it’s best you learn this about her now, than commit another three or six months with someone who’s not feeling loyal or as committed when you are. At the end of the day it’s not that one of you is right or wrong. It’s just that you’ve got an incompatibility about commitment. You’re more ready than she is right now.

Hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re upset. 🙁 The one big lesson that should come out of this is that men and women can’t be friends — one person always feels more than the other and this leads to confusion at best and hurt feelings at worst. If you were really his friend, you’d feel happy that he met someone new. But you don’t feel that way. You’re jealous and you’re sad that he’s not yours any more. And you want to be “friends” with the condition that he can’t talk about this new girlfriend — that’s not friendship. So it’s time to take care of yourself! 🙂 And that means you have to get over the notion that the two of you were friends. You had a romance and you broke up with him because of your parents. Now it’s time for you to honor that commitment you made by breaking up with him for your folks. And…. you’ll have a much easier time of moving on if you look for a true best friend — not someone you’re romantically and physically involved with as a best friend. 😉 I know it’ll hurt at first, but breakups hurt under normal circumstances. 😳 Time to be truly single, and to let your ex go — and that’s the best way for you to find someone with whom you’re compatible to date. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The fact that he won’t respond to your concern about STDs makes him sound guilty. 😕 It would be easy for him to say that no, he doesn’t have any, or didn’t have any. It’s a lot more difficult for him to admit that he put your health at risk, because he feels guilty and badly about it, and so he’s staying silent to avoid those feelings. But even if he did admit it, you’d still have to go to a doctor — which is really the best thing for you to do. So, make an appointment with your doctor or a health clinic, and go and be honest with the medical care providers about your relationships and what you heard and ask for help getting tested for everything and if you do have something, then treat it medically. Lastly, don’t go to his wife. That’s just creating drama that isn’t necessary. I know you’re mad at him, but the most important thing right now is your health, so go get tested and take care of the real business at hand — not the drama.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Keep flirting with him, letting him know you’re interested without actually crossing the line and asking him out. And at the same time, stay busy and don’t put all your eggs in one basket. When you care too much, you may come off as desperate or needy without realizing it, so having a life of your own will keep you from stalking him or wondering too much and too often if he likes you. If he’s going to ask you out, once he works up the courage and feels that you’re game because you’ve let him know through flirting, he will. And if he’s not, by keeping yourself busy, you won’t have invested too much energy. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Long distance relationships are very difficult. It sounds like the stress of his work, the commute, parents and normal relationship problems got the best of him. 😳 If he’s truly over the relationship, then there is nothing for you to do but move on. But if he needs a break from all the stress, and maybe doesn’t even realize it, then you can back off, and hope that he’ll come around in a few months. If that does happen, and you do get another chance, I’d suggest you take some of the stress off of him by making the commute to see him at least half the time, if not more than that, so he doesn’t have to. And try to chill out if he flirts with someone — flirting isn’t cheating. 😉 In addition, consider the stress that the engagement and marriage timeline may have put on him. If the two of you are destined for marriage, then slowing down the train a little may help him feel like he’s more in control of his decision and you’ll get there slower but more solidly. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m really sorry this is so tough. It sounds like your boyfriend of five years has a girlfriend and she’s pregnant with his child, as are you — and you’re both having his children with very close due dates. Time to accept and make peace with reality.

You mentioned in your pre-posting questionnaire that you have no wedding date in the 5 years you’ve been together because you’re saving money — but getting married is not expensive. 😕 You can elope, go to City Hall and have a lovely back yard or living room reception with cake and champagne. In other words, try not to fool yourself that the two of you never married because of finances. You mentioned that you worked very hard to get pregnant, and I’m sure you know that medical costs of pregnancy and all the costs of having kids are way more expensive than a wedding price tag. The reality is that either one or both of you didn’t want to get married and that’s why you’re not. Unraveling and processing the steps that brought you here will help you heal and recover.

So, now, you’ve kicked this other woman out of your home, but he’s still in touch with he and won’t give that up. He’s her baby’s father. They’re always going to be in each other’s’ lives in some way. So…knowing that, if you want to continue to live with him, then you have to find a way to accept that she’s going to be part of his family and your child’s family as the child’s half-sibling’s mother. If you don’t want to live with him, then you can raise your child as a single co-parent, and you’ll have more control over your own home if he’s not living in it. But if he marries her, she may become your child’s stepmother. And even if he doesn’t marry her, there’s a good chance she will be in your child’s life as his girlfriend. Not what you had in mind, I’m sure…. but now that the puzzle pieces are laid out, you have to do what’s best for yourself and the baby.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. I understand that this is a lot to process. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You definitely are stuck in a rut. You’re broken up and trying to move on — but not letting go of your ex. This is almost impossible to do. What you need is a real break up, not one where you go back and forth. Since you and your ex are both dating other people it would be a great idea to not have contact with him any more. I know you miss him and after a two year relationship ends, it’s always hard to move on, but unless you do, you’re going to be caught in this unpleasant limbo stage. Take responsibility for your own behavior and if he contacts you, explain you’re moving on and can’t talk to him, and then hang up, politely. If you need to cut him off from social media, then do so. If you need to block his calls and emails, then do so. The most important thing is to stay on course and move past this break up. It’s already been eight months — it’s time! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he likes you, too! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Use the first three months of dating him to simply get to know him and decide if you want to continue dating him. Assume that he’s dating other people during this early stage in the relationship, and you can be, too. 😉 Let him lead, and if he doesn’t make contact for three days, but does so on the fourth day, then you’ve learned that he’s interested in talking to you once a week or so. Since you’re not working you probably have more free time than he does, so be careful not to focus too much on him and this relationship. It’s way too early in the dating relationship to expect him to contact you daily, so once a week is fine. It doesn’t mean anything bad. You’ll know if the relationship is going somewhere after several months of dating. Let it play out and focus on learning about each other, not snagging a commitment too soon. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your first post you said that she was interested in friendship only. But, if you think she likes you, and you want to date her, then ask her out! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s really tough to have a roommate when there is physical attraction, and that’s what’s going on between the two of you. 😕 He definitely likes you — but since you’re not dating or even sleeping together — and there’s this sexual tension underlying everything, you’re waiting for him to make a move. And he still, might! But he’s recently made it clear that he’s not JUST interested in you … by dating this other woman. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to sleep with you, too. So now you get to decide how you want to to define this relationship, knowing he’s dating and sleeping with other women. If it bothers you, then why not just keep your relationship with him one of just roommates — which means NOT going to his sister’s wedding with him as a date. That definitely crosses the “just roommates” line. 😉 But if you do decide to sleep with him, understand that you are probably going to be there when he brings home other women to have sex with, too. I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think there are things you can do instead of writing a letter that will help you more.

The reason not to write the letter is that you’ve never dated this guy, so writing him a letter is too provocative. This is the kind of thing you do with someone you actually [b]have[/b] dated. But since you and this guy haven’t even gone out, writing him a letter is coming on too strong. It’s going to appear too needy, and in a way, it’s going to be inappropriate — just like your drinking too much and sleeping with too many guys at parties — the letter will be outside the norm of appropriate behavior given your relationship with him. 😉

The reason you want to write the letter is to try and get this guy to ask you out — after you’ve behaved in a way that has probably pushed him away from you instead of drawn him closer. You want to do damage control and further your good cause. But, writing a letter of apology or explanation is just going to make it worse. So, instead….. do change your behavior, and when you see or talk to him, he’ll see what you’re doing. And let him get to know who you really are — but don’t push. Relax. Try not to stir the pot in any way. And just be the person you want to be — not someone who’s needy or insecure.

I hope that helps. 🙂

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