[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not friends. And even if you stop having sex with each other, but continue regular contact, you’re exes — not friends. I think that it’s really easy to fall back into old habits if you don’t move on altogether — and it’s harder for him to really feel your loss if you’re still there. He can’t come back and say he made a mistake, if you don’t give him the opportunity to make that mistake. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Flirt with him. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think this isn’t a big deal and you should let it go. We all make jokes that fall flat. He misjudged his audience when he made a joke about prostitutes. I don’t really believe he thinks you want to be a prostitute. I think he thought it was funny and you didn’t. Now, you’re trying to make yourself right and him wrong and this is turning into something it doesn’t need to be. He made a bad joke. Let it go. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s using you. 🙁 He wants to feel good, so he’s keeping you as the other woman so he can have the best of both worlds. If he really cared about you and respected you, he’d break up with his girlfriend to date you. But he doesn’t. He’s putting his own needs first.

If you don’t mind being with someone who is selfish, then carry on — but things won’t change, especially if you make yourself available to him. If you do mind, which I know is true, then you have to move on. He’s not going to leave her, and he’s not going to do right by you. Ball’s in your court. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. Guys like a woman who stands up for herself and is able to articulate her feelings. Practice makes perfect. 😉 Start practicing. You’ll get better at it, and it will become easier.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask her out on a specific date, for a specific day and time. 😉 Lunch on Tuesday. Pick you up or meet you at Harry’s Bar and Grill at 1:30. Just like that! Or would you like to have dinner with me? Great, how’s Saturday? I’ll pick you up at 7. That’s how you ask someone out on a date.

You have to stop putting this off and just do it! You’re spending way too much energy coddling your fears. 😕

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You wrote that you’re confused, and I’m suggesting that you ask her out to clarify the situation. If she says yes, you know she’s interested. If she says no, you’ll know she’s not. That will take care of the confusion you were concerned about.

As for your feeling scared, I understand that — but the reality is that if you don’t face your fears, you’re going to have much bigger problem: regret. To ask and get shot down is a lot better than never asking because you’re scared and always regretting the decision.

Heartbroken, well that happens in life when you don’t get what you want. Welcome to the human race! 😉 It’s okay to feel sad that you didn’t get what you want, but just try to live with clarity and confidence as your goals. You’ll be able to navigate social situations much more easily with those skills. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s getting something from the relationship with this woman that she isn’t getting in the marriage. 😕 That’s why she won’t drop it. 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in a relationship that’s friends with benefits and no interest from him in this becoming a boyfriend girlfriend thing. 😕 You want more. He’s happy with the way things are. I get it. And it’s not confusing for you — it’s disappointing. You need to be clear about that. He’s getting what he wants. You’re not. He’s not interested in changing, if you want a change, you have to make it.

The bottom line is that he’s not going to be the boyfriend you want, so if you want a boyfriend who is proud and respectful of the relationship, then you have to look elsewhere. But as long as you continue having sex with him once or twice a week, and texting daily, it’s going to be very difficult for you to feel single and move on. So…. you need to stop having sex with him and stop texting him. If you don’t, you’ll stay stuck. If you do, you’ll clarify your position to yourself, and anyone else who wants to date you (including him).

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I think deep down you know it’s right. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m really sorry you’re mad and upset. My advice is to recognize that you’re being played by this guy. I’d love to see you find someone who’s worth your time and energy. 😉 You’re being sucked into drama that isn’t going to end well for anyone. I know you want to even the score by hurting his wife, or breaking up their marriage because he’s gone back to her, but you all have to work together and this is going to create unpleasantness and temporary relief, at best. If you really want revenge, why not live well and move on? 😀

She’s the mother of 8 month old twins, and it’s pretty normal for marriages to go through rough patches with easy twins and an easy delivery — and not abnormal for marriages to go through very rough patches. Sex lives lag while babies aren’t sleeping and mothers are nursing and families are getting used to the big changes underway. I’m not saying you should feel sorry for her or for him, but you should understand what they’re going through. And if you empathize, great. If you’re still mad, I get it.

As for him — do you really want a 40 year old who tells you his wife won’t let him have his phone? I mean, c’mon. If you believe that, then the sex must be really great!! 😆 He’s manipulating you by telling you his wife is psycho (pointing fingers is not very mature), and he’s been using you to find some relief during a normal rough patch in his marriage following the birth of his twin daughters. 😳

Get out of the drama pit and find some great guy outside of the workplace to date. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your wife cares more about her relationship with this other woman than she does about you. 😳 What’s going on in your marriage that she’s looking elsewhere for attention? Are there things you can do to entice her back?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it — sorry! You never moved your kids. You just travelled 700 miles to see him for the first time for 5 days — with his child. 😕 The first date should never involve kids. It’s too stressful them and it’s no surprise his child felt manipulative. Kids need protection, not exposure to grown up drama. Especially when their family structure is in flux. 😳 It’s also really hard to get to know your date when he’s parenting. I know it was five days, but still… it was only five days. 😉

I’m not sure if you’re new to dating or not, in spite of being in your 40s, but when you date a single parent, their children are going to be part of your life, as is their ex and even her boyfriends or spouses, because they’ll all be co-parenting. This makes second marriages a lot more difficult than first marriages. Keep this in mind when you choose someone to date. I do believe you get it, and you’ve got the lesson learned under your belt. 🙂

Next!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The important thing is that you move on. You should break up with him politely and civilly but firmly. You can tell him that you appreciate a lot of what the relationship brought you, but you realize that you’re looking for something different and you wish him luck.

Make sure you don’t use the break up to try and keep yourself in the relationship by soliciting changes from and promises from him — after all this time, which you know, deep down won’t change things. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You moved your kids 700 miles so you could all be with a man you met online and never dated? 😯

Time to get a grip. 😕 You’re putting your children through chaos. My advice is that you focus on parenting. Your kids need consistency. Do not introduce them to your dates or guys you meet online until you’ve dated the guy for about six months or more and have gotten to know him and trust him. By dragging your children through your own dating process and involving them and their lives in those of guys you meet online, you’re creating a lot of emotional chaos for them. You have to be their rock and you have to be very strong and protective. So, kids first. Then dating.

Next, use the first three months of dating a guy to decide if you want to continue dating him. That’s how you’ll get to know his relationships with his own kids, their mother, etc. Instead of being shocked and hurt, you’ll be learning without the risk. If, after three months of dating, you want to continue seeing each other, use the next three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. In other words, slow it down and date smart, not impulsively! 😉

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have good instincts — but bad behavior! 😉 If you’re dating a 45 year old guy who doesn’t move the relationship forward after a year of dating, and you want a committed, monogamous relationship that leads to moving in together, marriage, etc. then you need to move on. His behavior lets you know all you need to know. I don’t think you should ask him about moving in together or give him an ultimatum. If he wanted you to move in with him, he would have. 🙁

Also, the snooping through his stuff twice indicates there’s a trust issue. I know you’re trying to make it seem like this is what normal couples who live together do — but that’s not true. 😕 You obviously don’t trust him. You’re not getting what you want from him in terms of relationship goals. And you’re still trying to make what isn’t working, work. This is going to be a tough road if you stay on it.

My advice is that you accept that he’s a 45 year old guy with commitment issues, self esteem and father issues, and has never been married. If you want marriage, then you have to date for the kind of guy who wants and is ready for the same things you are. Relationship goal compatibility is important. Stay focused! 😉 Now that you’re 30 it’s time to get serious about what you want and make sure you get what you want. I don’t think that this guy wants the same things you do on the same timeline you do — or close to the same timeline you do. 😳

I’m sorry that this is disappointing. I’d like to see you get what you want. 🙂 I hope this helps.

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