[April Masini, your AskApril]

Men and women can’t be friends. And since he’s no longer your professor (I believe you said he taught you for a year, and your’e no longer in his class), the relationship has changed and you’re having trouble defining it. You’re not dating. You’re not professor/student. You’re something else — and you’re having trouble with what it is.

My advice is to be clear with yourself first. If you want to date him, then you have to act like you want to date him — and not as if you’re still his protege or his friend. This will be a little tough for you because you can’t treat him like a friend any more, and you’re going to have to be the one to make the changes. If you need to, you can tell him that you don’t want to be his friend because that’s not working for you any more. But more importantly, be clear in your own head and in your behavior.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t be confused. He’s being clear. He doesn’t want a long-term, committed relationship with you. If that’s what you want, he’s not the guy to give it to you. My advice is to move on. Stop wasting time with someone who has relationship goals that are very different from yours. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First things first. You need to break up with your abusive boyfriend. You shouldn’t be with anyone who is abusive — and that includes your boyfriend, so break up with him. Once you do that, you can focus on being single. Flirt with guys you’re interested in, including this other guy you like, and see if they ask you out. But don’t worry about one guy or another guy right now. The many thing you need to do is get healthy and stay in healthy situations. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So of course I have not taken your very sound and logical advice. This has become more of a place for me to journal about all of this anyway.[/quote]

This is a relationship advice site. I appreciate you aren’t taking my advice, but you should really start a blog or write in a paper journal. This isn’t a journaling site. Sorry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please re-post your question as a “reply” to the string of posts you’ve already started on this website, here: . It’s much easier for me, and anyone else who wants to weigh in, to see all your posts in one place. I’ll answer your new questions when you repost them. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you’re hurt, and I’m sorry. It’s difficult to look at infidelity and try to figure out if this is a relationship worth working at or not because the hurt can be so overwhelming, but because you have a 9 year marriage and two children, I think you should. Here’s what you should consider:

Cheating in a marriage doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There are reasons this happened beyond what goes on with him. There is something in the marriage that is missing for him, (and maybe you, too) and he’s getting it outside the marriage. Guys don’t cheat because they have a bad wife. They cheat because they want to feel something they don’t feel in the relationship they already have. That’s where the key to fixing this lies. Simply asking him to break off with this woman isn’t going to fix things — and you know it because you’re still anxious about the situation. Deep down, you’re still worried because you know this wasn’t the true fix.

When you’re ready — and take your time — you need to have a series of heart to heart conversations with your husband. This will be a process and it will be a lifeline for your marriage. You have to talk about where things went wrong and where you both have responsibility for this. You have to decide if you both love each other and your family enough to work through these obstacles. And you have to ask him how he can help you with your anxiety about his betrayal. Right now, you’ve told him to break up with the other woman and you’ve each gone back to your separate corners. That’s not going to work for the long run. Betrayals can actually make a marriage stronger because they point out a problem in the marriage that needs attention — and if you both choose to attend to the problems and re-commit to the marriage, you can be great. Or… one of you may reveal that this isn’t the marriage they want to stay in. But if you don’t roll up your sleeves and face the reality and the hard work, you have no chance.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Nice guys finish last. When you’re too nice and too available, you’ll lose out. You already know how to get a girl to go out with you — but you’re having trouble getting to the next step. So let’s go over your dating technique! 😎 When you go out with a young woman you like, do you flirt with her? Are you affectionate? Do you focus on taking the relationship to the next level? Also, are you too available? Do you always return her messages or phone calls right away as if you have nothing but time for her?

It sounds like your life is full and rich — but I’m not sure you convey that to these women. Without being a jerk, let them know you’ve got other options — because you do. Give them something to hope for. 😎

I think that when you you focus on these things, and start taking steps to execute them, you’ll begin to gain confidence at the same time you take yourself out of the chronic friend zone you seem to have fallen into. 😉

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should break up with him and find a boyfriend who is nice to you. This guy isn’t nice or respectful. There’s no reason for you to stay except to take abuse. Decide that you’re not going to be a victim and break this pattern by moving on. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s saying this because he thinks you want to hear it. He also thinks this will make you more likely to meet him. This isn’t someone who’s really interested in a long-term, committed relationship because if he met you online and is saying this before meeting you — he’s saying the same thing to other women, too! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m not a physician so I can’t comment on your medical diagnoses or prescriptions. I can only talk about your relationship issues — and you should talk to your doctors about what’s going on in our relationships and if the medications are causing or adding to these issues you’re having.

What I can tell you is that you have communication problems with your husband and the two of you are growing further apart because you’re focusing on what separates the two of you and not what binds you. Every marriage has communication issues, especially after a long term, like yours. Every marriage goes through bumps. And what you’re describing does not sound like reason for divorce. But it does need some behavior modification and change so you’re not feeling like you’re always doing things wrong. 😉

[b]What’s important is that you focus on the good! Make sure you’re having date night. Keep your sex life spicy and fresh. Plan weekends away or vacations, just the two of you. This is the biggest thing you can do to improve your marriage.
[/b]
As for the problems you mention….

Your blinders on issue — ask your physician if your medications are affecting our response time. Tell your doctors what’s going on. This might fall into their realm. Tell your husband that you’re very appreciative of his concern and ask him to go with you to to the doctor so you’re working as a team on this issue in the relationship.

The passive listening problem — this is where you can practice active listening. Nod when you agree with what he’s said. Tell him when you understand. Ask him to explain. And try to participate in the conversation instead of being a bystander. This is something you can get better at with practice.

Don’t “document” your progress. Your husband feels that this is “ammunition” against him, and I understand that. Do you? Instead, ask him, “How am I doing?”

Let me know if you have any other questions. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Do u think she wants me to talk to her more in person and if i do talk more in person is possible i have a chance? [/quote]

Yes.

[quote]And why would her friend stare at me them smile at her?[/quote]

Because she was in a good mood.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem with ultimatums is that if you don’t mean them, you’re stuck with them. 😕 He’s taken the road you had hoped he wouldn’t, and now you’re regretting having opened that door for him. 😳 I don’t know how old you both are, but it sounds like you’re wanting a relationship with a commitment that leads to marriage, and you don’t think he’s the one — but you wish he was. It’s tough when you love someone who isn’t who you want him to be.

I think your break up with him at 3 months into the relationship was a turning point. You didn’t really talk about why you broke up with him or why you got back together with him and what changed as a result…. but that was the starting point for change in the relationship. It could have been good change, or bad change. Your overhearing his mother’s call was very hurtful, and you’re right, it would have been great if he had immediately corrected his mom and told her that he loved you and it hurt him to hear those things — or to laugh at her comment and say that no one will ever be good enough for her. I get it that that hurt you. It would’ve hurt anyone. But you turned that into another break up point…. and a better way to have handled it would have been a series of heart to heart conversations. The handwritten letter calling for a response was distancing. It probably made him think of that first break up.

I don’t think this is about his being immature (at least not from what you’ve written) as much as it’s about his being unsure of the relationship and your putting him in these power play positions instead of working with him on problems. 😕

So, now…. you can either move on, as it appears he’s doing. Or you can apologize and tell him you didn’t mean what you said, and that you were just so hurt that you were reactive and you want to work things out. But if you don’t mean those things, then don’t say them. He doesn’t sound like he’s been all in for a while now, so you may have just moved things forward because you felt this was the direction they were taking anyway.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Back off with those questions. It makes you look desperate and needy (and even if you are, you don’t want to come across that way), and it pushes her at a time when she needs not to be pushed. 😉

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