[Anonymous]

Thank you April. It is true that we both are very emotional. I will take your word and will work on moving on.

Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

Yes you’re right, I do want to marry her and I would gladly move to the city where she’ll be attending grad school. However, I still have 2 more semesters of my schooling left which means that I have to stay where I’m at now unfortunately. We’ve talked about this problem to no end and she feels that everything will be fine as long as we can talk on the phone everyday and try to visit each other occassionally. However, I don’t feel that it’s that easy. Grad school is tough and we’re both going to be very busy. My main fear is that time, distance and the 2 of us being busy will get in the way and push us apart emotionally. I’m also frustrated because my girlfriend could easily get a similar degree closer to home, around an hour away but she’s choosing not to do that because she really doesn’t want to attend that particular school. I know she should go get what she wants, but I feel like if we both feel that we want to marry each other, then certain compromises should be made if grad school is an absolute must.

I’m also dealing with alot of anxiety and depression over her leaving. I can’t imagine the person I love and want to marry, having to be apart from me for 2 years. And as I mentioned before, I can’t just flat out ask her not to leave because she feels she needs to do this for herself, but then again, I’m having trouble coping with the idea of her leaving me. Now, nothing’s said and done yet and I still have 2 1/2 months before she has to leave. It is possible that the closer she gets to leaving, the more she’ll realize that maybe she shouldn’t leave me for that long. I don’t know, I’m just racking my brain trying to figure out a way where we can be together and so that she can get her masters. Again, any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Ryan C.

[Anonymous]

He said he’ll do anything to bring us back together. Should I believe that?. . Or just move on?
Thank you! I’ll really help me with your answer.

[Anonymous]

Hi! I just signed up and immediately decided to introduce myself, if I’m wrong section, ask the moderators to move the topic to the right place, hopefully it will take me well… My name is Viktor, me 29 years, humourist and serious man in one person.

[Anonymous]

Way back when I first started talking to him about it, about a year ago, he said that he didn’t think it was a problem. He used porn purely for masturbation, and nothing really more. He said he only watches it on his home computer 2 or 3 times a week. This has been a problem through the whole relationship, but I only spoke up about it after being with him for a few months. Before I said anything he would openly show me pictures of porn, (usually other girls naked involving sexual acts, either in groups, with only two, by themselves, anything, and they never included other men) that he had saved on his computer. Before he lost most of his information on his computer, he had a lot of pictures, now it is only maybe 6. He frequently visits a site that is not specifically a porn site, but a forum where people tended to post porn very often, and where he had gotten most if not all of the porn he kept on his computer. He doesn’t look at these pictures with me around, nor does he go to this site with me around, but I know he still does, because he still keeps coming up with new wallpapers and funny pictures that are obviously specifically from that site. I told him how these pictures, the site, and the porn made me feel, and I had never started to actually ask him to stop until recently. I thought that if I told him how it hurt me he would tone it down or possibly even stop. He just automatically assumed that I was telling him to stop, and flat out said that it is not something that he is ever going to stop doing or watching. He says that it is perfectly normal that I shouldn’t have a problem with it. He thinks that if its not cheating then its ok, and since he is not doing anything to initiate sexual activity with someone else then it is also ok. Obviously that didn’t help my jealousy and how much it hurt, so when it became too much for me to handle I would bring it up again, and every time I brought it up, he would get angrier, to where it has gotten now, if I mention the subject we either have an argument or he says he doesn’t want to talk about it and just moves onto the next subject.

He used to talk about his co-workers, never a lot, but he would give one of them a nickname, calling her a stripper because he thinks that she looks like she would be a stripper. The name itself would put me in a bad mood instantly, and I think he used to do it to make me angry, because I honestly think he saw my jealousy as a joke. He no longer works at the same place, and usually does not talk about other girls anymore as “strippers” or “hot” in front of me because of all the arguments we have had about the subject. We are very close with each other, he has said that I know him better than anyone else he knows, so I think it is possible that he thinks of me as a best friend as well.

I feel like I should be okay with it, I’ve talked to so many other girls and they are all on extreme ends of the spectrum about it, some say that I should just be okay with it, it’s not doing any harm, and other say that porn is never okay and that they would feel the same way. Any information from guys that I’ve asked were all simply “just deal with it, its not a big deal.” I love him very much, and though I feel we both have a lot of maturing to do to make the relationship a little less, well, immature, we get a long great otherwise. But, part of me wants to not cement myself to someone who is so callous sometimes with my emotions that he thinks they are something to laugh at.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April.

My ex does pay child support, takes the children almost every weekend to stay at his house and at least one evening per week. He buys them tons without expecting any reimbursement and still pays 1/2 off any expenses we incur in addition to the monthly payment. If anything, I think my husband is jealous. He wants to dislike this man, but there isn’t anything to dislike. He is wonderful with our daughters and even my autistic son. I think this contributes to me not being able to get over him. We talk everyday about the kids and I see him several times per week during pick ups and drop offs. I can’t just walk away, grieve, and move on. He is very much a part of my everyday life.

Since I last posted, my ex has told me that he loves me and always will. During a routine conversation, he said that he still had feelings for me, I said that I still loved him, he then admitted that he still loves me. We both wished we had worked harder on our marriage and both think we would make a great couple now (10 years later). However, we agree that we should not pursue a relationship since I am married. I love him so much that my heart aches.

I have been trying to hold hands with my husband, kiss him often, initiate sex nightly, etc. to try to revive the spark, but it hasn’t happened. Here is just one example of the bad: Two work associates called my home today. My husband hung up on one of them and yelled at another. I am a professional! Though he was annoyed that we were bothered on a holiday weekend, this behavior is not appropriate and will impact my reputation! When I told him the reports of rudeness I received from my supervisor, he threatened to call the involved parties and “show them what rudeness really sounds like.” He takes an antidepressant, but hasn’t been to the doctor for follow up in several months. I really think he needs some medication adjustment! He acts like the world owes him something and doesn’t obtain any pleasure from helping others unless he personally gains. This is 100% opposite my ex and I.

Anyway, I know you are right. I need to work on my current marriage or in 10 years I could be in this same situation…missing him!

Thanks for all your help and I would appreciate any insight you can give my regarding my husband’s attitude. It isn’t new, but seems to worsen the older and more successful he becomes.

[Anonymous]

What type of flowers do you suggest? Should I wait until she contacts me? Or just suprise her by sending it to her job?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

What type of flowers do you suggest?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Let me also add our neighbors were telling her not to go because some of the people that she did not know seemed up to no good.
In addition, I do believe I messed up with what I was doing. What do you suggest I do to bring back lines of communication?

[Anonymous]

Your jealousy is a direct result of his behaviour, pure and simple! He loves to keep you in this state of insecurity, whether deliberate or not. Don’t expect it to get better, unless he is prepared to take some responsiblity for his part in all this. Your life with this person will be filled with misery……..take it from someone who’s been there! Way I see it, you can hang around and suffer indefinitely, or move on & go through the pain of breaking up, which will eventually subside. At least if you leave him you have the opportunity to start over & build a life with someone who is worthy of you! It’s a no brainer really.

[Anonymous]

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April, I think you are 100% correct about my ex.

I probably should never have married my current husband. He was madly in love with me and after years of feeling unloved, I made a conscious decision that being loved is more important than loving. While I was content with that for awhile, I absolutely long for the butterflies and all that comes with love.

We are very different people from different religions, socio-economic backgrounds, birth order, etc. and I truly am just not happy. I can’t stand the way he yells at the kids constantly and puts down my job, salary, religion, etc. I can’t stand the way he seems to pick fights with me. He is verbally aggressive (never physically). He is an only child and still is spoiled rotten though he is 40 years old! We have an amazing sex life though. He is a very generous lover for sure. He makes a six figure salary (quite different from his very poor family and my middle class family). As I said, I lead an apparently perfect life, but long for the “spark.”

I have never been unfaithful, but have seriously considered seeking the “spark” outside of my marriage. It seems that could keep my seeminly perfect life intact while obtain the butterflies I long for.

I am so confused. I really wish my first husband had just loved me enough to make things work!

[Anonymous]

You’re right. The girl that gave him the advise kinda faded away. Another points is that it might be true that I want to experience other things ( with someone else) but I don’t want to make the mistake called “don’t leave someone that you love for someone that you like”. however the fact that I got slapped back by a guy hasn’t gone out of my mind. There’s times that I feel disappointed. And wonder if it’ll happen again. I agree that it was my fault. Sadly. He got tired of it.

[Anonymous]

Im 19 and so is my bf. My friend is 23. And problems between me n my bf caused this. We kiss still n evrything but i dont feel those strong feelings i want to feel. The problems started when we were on crisis n he asked his girl friend to give him advice about our relationship. I didnt like the fact that my bfs friend told him to leave me. So i made the big mistake on telling him to pick between us but he didnt. I was so mad obviously. Before we had violent problems. One day i slapped him n he got so mad that he slapped me back to control me cuz i was out of control. Ever since that; 8 felt so dissapointed n fear that itll happen again but i dont think he would because over this time he felt horrible n apolized. . Now i want to get back on track n see how i can improve this relationship or if not.. ?

[Anonymous]

Thanks April. I needed to hear that. Especially the part where my son may never accept his new home and envionment. I know its going to be a struggle for him but I also think that if I take time out and spend time with just HIM, he will know that I made this decision for all of us. In addition, I know my new husband to be will help and work with me. It is going to be a challnege, either way, so I know I will come to some cross roads for sure! But, thanks so much, your advice really hit me and most of all helped!

[Anonymous]

Just to add a bit more….

She told me that she had problems with being affectionate and that she was working on it. Prior to her telling me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship, I was getting on her case about it and making a big deal.

While she was drunk on several occasions, she would tell me how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. She told her family memers that she could see herself with me for the rest of her life ( mid twenties).
She would sing lovey dovey kareoke songs to me.

We got into an argument for the first time and after about 8 hours of bickering and me telling her she wasn’t trying hard enough to be affectionate, she said it wasn’t going to work and that is how she remains.

The argument wasn’t Terrible and there was no yelling. More like both of us annoying one another. The argument also tool place the day after she went out with her girlfriends for the first time in months and she feels I was mad at her for going out. This was not the case at all but very poor timing.

[Member]

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