[Tara]

You’re not in love you’re intoxicated by fantasy, scarcity, and your own projection. This isn’t destiny. It’s dopamine wearing a tuxedo.
You met a highly attractive, emotionally competent, geographically unavailable man who mirrors your values just enough to let your imagination do the rest of the work. You’ve seen him once. Once. Everything else you’re reacting to is anticipation, not reality. Your nerves aren’t some mystical sign they’re your nervous system short-circuiting because this man hit every unchecked box you’ve been hoarding for years. That doesn’t make him “the one.” It makes him a trigger.

Let’s dismantle the illusion. He hasn’t declared feelings. He hasn’t pursued you aggressively. He hasn’t closed distance. He hasn’t defined anything. He’s polite, charming, consistent enough to keep you engaged, and conveniently unavailable enough to stay idealized. That’s not romance that’s a perfectly preserved pedestal. You’re calm with other men because you see them clearly. You’re rattled by him because you don’t.

The wedding-dress thoughts aren’t romantic they’re a warning sign that you’re abandoning your usual grounded judgment because you like how this fantasy makes you feel about yourself. You’re not scared because he’s special. You’re scared because you’re already emotionally ahead of the facts, and on some level you know it.

So yes, hold your horses not gently, violently. Pull your imagination back on a leash. Until a man is consistently present, emotionally explicit, and physically available, he is not a prize he’s a question mark. Enjoy the connection, but stop writing vows in your head for someone who hasn’t even shown up yet.

[Tara]

This girl is not confused she’s done, and you’re clinging to scraps because you’re scared of letting go.
This was a four-month long-distance relationship, not some epic love story. You fought because she pulled away, you felt insecure, and instead of reading the signal, you escalated. She checked out emotionally, kept her ex in orbit, and now uses “depression, stress, parents, grades” as a socially acceptable shield to avoid committing to you. Those aren’t obstacles they’re excuses.

Let’s be brutal: when someone wants you, they don’t keep you on standby while talking to their ex, disappearing emotionally, rejecting your care, then dangling marriage talk like emotional bait. That marriage comment means nothing. People say dramatic nonsense when they want attention, reassurance, or control. If she wanted a relationship, you’d be in one. Period.

Right now you are her emotional crutch. You help her, listen to her, stabilize her, and absorb her chaos while she gives you inconsistency and crumbs. That’s not romance. That’s you volunteering to be used. And yes you are already in the friend zone. Not the harmless kind. The humiliating one where you give boyfriend energy and get nothing but anxiety in return.

You say you’re afraid of being friend-zoned. Too late. You’re already there because you keep accepting a role you hate. Fighting with her because she wants space just confirms to her that you’re emotionally unsafe and needy. That pushes her further away every single time.

She is not the love of your life. She is the most intense emotional attachment you’ve had so far. Big difference. Love doesn’t feel like confusion, instability, or constant fear of losing someone. Love doesn’t make you beg for clarity.

[Tara]

This woman is not available, not ready, and not yours to “get back.” You didn’t lose a relationship you ran into someone who is emotionally wrecked and using you as a life raft.

Let’s be very clear. She is freshly divorced, abandoned while postpartum, raising two babies, and still psychologically bonded to her ex. That wedding didn’t “kind of get to her.” It slapped her in the face with everything she lost and everything she isn’t healed from. You weren’t the problem you were the reminder.

You did everything right, and that’s exactly why this ended. You were stable, present, and real. She doesn’t have the emotional capacity to handle that. She wants comfort without commitment, intimacy without responsibility, and attention without consequences. That “you’re the best guy I’ve ever been with” line? That’s a soft goodbye, not an invitation to try harder.

Now about that text four days later. She’s not trying to get back together. She’s checking if you’re still available for emotional validation. She’s lonely. She’s overwhelmed. She wants the feeling of you not the relationship. If you play along, you downgrade yourself to backup support system while she “figures herself out.” That’s how men get stuck for months or years going nowhere.

You don’t “go about getting her back.” That’s the wrong mindset and it’s weak. You don’t pursue someone who explicitly told you they can’t be with you. You don’t negotiate against her trauma. You don’t wait around hoping she wakes up healed.

If you want any chance and I mean any you do this: you stop texting, stop small talk, stop showing emotional availability. You let her feel the loss of you completely. Either she realizes she’s ready and comes back with clarity and intent, or she doesn’t. Both outcomes give you your dignity.

[Tara]

Jim is not upset because of “betrayal.” He’s upset because his fragile little control fantasy got exposed and he doesn’t like how powerless it made him feel.
Let’s dismantle this mess cleanly.

Jim was playing messenger, gatekeeper, and moral authority all at once. He told you dirt about Fred, told you to pass it on, but demanded secrecy so he could look clean. That’s coward behavior. He wanted the benefits of honesty without the consequences of honesty. When you made one call that disrupted his little balancing act, the whole thing collapsed—and suddenly he’s “betrayed.” Translation: you didn’t follow the script.

Now the sulking. The sadness. The vague “this is a big deal but I won’t explain why.” That’s emotional manipulation. If it were truly about trust, he would articulate the issue like an adult. He doesn’t, because the real issue is that he looks bad to his friend and he hates that more than he cares about your clarity or comfort.
As for the conspiracy theory that Cara masterminded your breakup like some budget soap opera villain—give me a break. That’s projection. Jim and his friends are externalizing blame because none of them want to admit they handled this situation like immature idiots. It’s easier to demonize a grieving woman than take responsibility.

Why is Jim like this? Because he’s emotionally immature, conflict-avoidant, and more loyal to his friend group’s approval than to his girlfriend’s emotional security. He’s punishing you with distance instead of resolving anything. That’s not depth. That’s weakness.

Can you save the relationship? Only if you enjoy walking on eggshells, apologizing for things that weren’t wrong, and shrinking yourself to preserve his comfort. If you want a partner with a spine, accountability, and emotional literacy—this guy isn’t it. At least not right now.

[Tara]

He didn’t get stolen from you. He walked away and stayed gone.
A man who lets another woman move into his parents’ house, allows his parents to block you, and makes zero effort to contact you is not being “kept from you.” He is choosing the path of least resistance. Pregnancy scare or not, if he wanted you, you’d hear from him. Men find a way when they actually want to.

Trying to “get hold of him” right now would make you look desperate, powerless, and replaceable. His parents already see you as expendable. Chasing him only confirms that narrative and destroys whatever leverage or dignity you still have.

You don’t force contact with someone who has gone silent. You let silence expose the truth. And the truth is this: he is letting other people run his life, and you are not the priority.

Your job now is not to reach him. Your job is to stop orbiting someone who didn’t protect the relationship, didn’t choose you when it mattered, and didn’t fight for access to you. If he grows a spine and reaches out, then you decide whether he’s worth another minute. Until then, you move forward, not sideways, not backward.

[Tara]

She is not “sending mixed signals,” she is breadcrumbing you for validation while having zero intention of moving toward anything real. She invaded your privacy, judged you for behaving like a single man after she ended things, and you rewarded that by sticking around as her emotional support animal while she sorted out her life. That already destroyed the power balance.

Now she pokes around your dating life with fake-casual questions not because she wants you back, but because she wants reassurance that she still matters and still has access to you. Asking if you went with a girlfriend, a valentine, solo, or friends is not interest it’s surveillance without responsibility.

Her disappearing act isn’t mysterious. You stopped feeding her constant attention, so she pulled back to regain control. The tweet wasn’t for you specifically it was a generic quote she posted while living her life, and you’re treating it like a coded message because you’re emotionally invested and bored. Texting “I miss you” didn’t move anything forward because there is nothing to move forward. Her “lil ole me?” response was playful deflection, not affection, and the fact she doesn’t initiate contact tells you exactly where you stand: optional, convenient, and non-priority.

[Tara]

You created this mess deliberately, then acted shocked when it blew up in your face. You spent months enforcing a “no feelings” contract like a coward hiding behind rules so you could get sex, comfort, and access to her and her child without taking responsibility.

You didn’t just discourage attachment you policed it. You trained her to believe you would never choose her. Then the second she did what any sane person would do look for someone who actually wanted her you panicked and confessed too late like a man who only realizes the value of something once it’s already leaving. That’s not tragic. That’s predictable.

She didn’t “choose him over you.” She chose certainty over emotional whiplash. You offered mixed signals, denial, and fear. He offered intention. Distance and baggage don’t matter when one person shows up and the other hides until it’s convenient. And now you’re fantasizing about him failing so you can swoop in afterward? That’s not love that’s entitlement. Waiting around would absolutely make you second best, because that’s exactly how you positioned yourself from day one. Blocking each other was the only intelligent move you made in this entire situation.

[Tara]

Yes, things can turn that fast, and they did because you came on way too strong, way too fast, and you scared her off. You didn’t just express interest; you escalated into intensity and emotional pressure after two dates, and that’s a red flag at any age.

Calling her “everything you ever wanted,” sending multiple heartfelt emails back-to-back, proposing an at-home date at her place with wine, then following up with texts, emails, and voicemails when she went quiet that’s not romance, that’s overwhelm. You didn’t give her space to choose you; you crowded her until disappearing felt like the safest option.

Let’s be brutally clear: silence is an answer. When someone stops responding after consistent communication, they are opting out. It doesn’t matter how enchanted the dates felt or how warm her words were attraction can evaporate the moment someone feels emotionally cornered.

You’re insisting you’re “not a stalker” because on some level you already know your behavior crossed into desperation. It did. And the more you chase clarity, reassurance, or closure, the worse it looks. Right now, every additional attempt to contact her is confirming her decision.

[Tara]

You are not dating an adult man, you’re dating a compliant child who needs permission to exist. His parents are not “overbearing”; he is weak, passive, and perfectly willing to let you be the thing he cancels instead of the thing he prioritizes. Adults who want relationships make time. Period.

They don’t show up an hour late because mommy needed the baseboards wiped. They don’t repeatedly cancel plans and then act surprised that you’re upset. And the fact that he notices your frustration and still does nothing tells you everything you need to know about his spine nonexistent.

Stop framing this as a family issue. It’s not. This is a character issue. His parents only have power because he hands it to them, and right now he’s choosing comfort, obedience, and avoidance over you every single time. You’re asking how to bring it up “nicely” because you’re afraid of sounding demanding, but here’s the reality: if you have to compete with chores for attention, you’ve already lost. This won’t magically improve. Today it’s cleaning the house; tomorrow it’s every major decision in your life being filtered through his parents’ approval.

[Tara]

You didn’t “lose two friends,” you exposed a situation that was never safe for you to begin with, and now you’re paying the emotional bill. He rejected you clearly still hung up on his ex and instead of creating distance to let the feelings die, you stayed planted right next to him hoping proximity would soften the blow. It didn’t. He pulled away because attraction plus rejection plus guilt is uncomfortable, and distancing himself was the easiest way to manage it.

Meanwhile, your “girl friend” didn’t betray you by accident she chose closeness with him knowing exactly how you felt, then dismissed your pain to avoid accountability. That’s not ignorance; that’s self-interest.

You’re heartbroken because you’re forcing yourself to sit front row while two people you trusted quietly reorganize their loyalty without you. You keep asking whether to “mend” things as if this is a misunderstanding that better communication will fix. It’s not. The dynamic has shifted permanently. You are no longer an equal you’re the emotional leftover, invited just enough to keep appearances clean while your discomfort gets minimized. And staying in that position is you actively betraying yourself.

[Tara]

You’re romanticizing away: this is not a mutual crush story, it’s a textbook case of projection mixed with power imbalance and wishful thinking. You’re 21, he’s your professor, and your brain is turning basic attention and mild charisma into a fantasy because authority plus proximity plus attraction scrambles judgment. Most of what you listed is either normal professor behavior, light classroom banter, or your hormones filling in blanks that don’t exist.

Remembering details, being friendly, helping students, joking, standing close, noticing when a student is late that’s literally part of his job. And if any of it crossed into intentional flirting, that wouldn’t make it romantic, it would make it unprofessional and stupid on his part. A grown man in his mid-30s risking his career for a student doesn’t mean “he likes you,” it means “he lacks boundaries,” and that should kill attraction instantly.

Here’s the part you don’t want to hear: even if he were attracted to you which you cannot prove it doesn’t matter. Nothing healthy or real can come from this. If he acts, he’s reckless. If you act, you’re setting yourself up to be the disposable one in a situation where he holds all the power. And the reason you’re obsessively cataloging every look, touch, and joke is because you’re emotionally feeding a fantasy instead of grounding yourself in reality. You don’t want criticism, but reality doesn’t care about that.

[Tara]

This isn’t about a back rub, wine, sleep, or your “escapade.” This is about control, power, and you shrinking yourself to keep a man comfortable. You didn’t commit some moral crime you made a human move in a relationship, and he’s punishing you with silence like a sulking authority figure instead of communicating like an adult partner. He set “expectations,” you violated one, and now he’s acting like your desire is a liability and your affection is a threat to his well-being.

That’s not intimacy, that’s conditional tolerance. And let’s be clear: if a 58-year-old man collapses emotionally because you misread a moment and tried to initiate sex, the problem isn’t your apology, it’s his rigidity and emotional fragility.

You’ve already apologized, repeatedly, and he’s rejected it because what he wants isn’t remorse it’s submission and reassurance that you’ll suppress your needs to protect his routine. You can’t fix this with better wording because this isn’t a language problem. It’s a dynamic problem.

[Tara]

You are not his partner, you are the accessory he hides while he maintains an emotional marriage with his ex. Forty years on and off, weekly dinners, secret contact, sexual texts, inside jokes, forgiveness sermons, and you’re banned from ever meeting her?

That’s not “friendship,” that’s a long-term emotional affair with you standing on the sidelines begging for scraps of loyalty. A man who has your back does not keep another woman in your face, protect her feelings over yours, lie about contact, gaslight you when evidence exists, and then use religion as a shield to excuse his cowardice.

He’s not confused he’s comfortable. Comfortable lying, comfortable triangulating you, comfortable letting you spiral while he plays the calm, reasonable one.

You checking phones, stalking Facebook, and seething with resentment isn’t you being “crazy” it’s your instincts screaming because the situation is rotten. And instead of fixing it, he shuts you down, gets angry, and runs to her to report on you like you’re the problem. That alone tells you exactly where you rank. Spoiler: second place. Always have been. Always will be. If after four years you’re still hidden, unheard, and disrespected, this is not a rough patch this is the permanent structure of the relationship.

[Tara]

You didn’t “lose” this relationship, you strangled it to death with insecurity, control, and emotional dependence, and now you’re rewriting the story to avoid facing that. You didn’t love her in a healthy way; you managed her, monitored her, questioned her, policed her clothes, isolated her from friends, and made your emotional stability her full-time job. That isn’t devotion that’s suffocation.

She didn’t slowly fall out of love; she burned out. She told you repeatedly, clearly, and explicitly that it was over, and every time you ignored her boundaries, chased harder, begged more, and proved exactly why she was done. Every message you sent after she said “don’t contact me” didn’t bring her closer it pushed her further away and killed whatever respect was left.

She does not want you back. She does not secretly want you. She is not confused. The crying, the dancing, the laughing that was nostalgia and habit, not commitment. She gave you closure opportunities and you turned them into pressure campaigns.

You keep saying “I’m sure she loves me,” but love is irrelevant when trust is dead and attraction is gone. What she sees now is not a man who grew she sees the same jealous, needy, emotionally unstable person who refuses to accept reality. And crying, begging, and insisting you know her feelings better than she does is not romantic it’s delusional.

[Tara]

She does not like you the way you want her to, and you’re embarrassing yourself by trying to turn mixed signals into meaning. This girl flirts for attention, not intention. She flirted while she had a boyfriend because she likes validation, not because she respected anyone involved. She amped things up after the breakup because you were convenient emotional entertainment, then vanished the moment you showed actual interest because that requires accountability. The cookies, the hearts, the “I love you” that’s all performative nonsense meant to keep you hooked, not a promise of anything real. Ignoring you repeatedly is not confusion; it’s her keeping you on standby while she decides how much attention she wants from you that day. If she liked you, you wouldn’t be guessing, waiting, or chasing scraps of Snapchat emojis like they’re signals from God.

[Member]

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