[Tara]

You didn’t fall in love, you got played, controlled, and slowly hollowed out, and you’re still begging for more like that’s loyalty instead of addiction. This wasn’t a relationship; it was a one-way emotional drain where you handed over your time, your body, your secrets, your future, and your dignity to someone who refused to even show her face. People who love you don’t hide. People who care don’t keep you invisible. People who are real don’t build intimacy while denying reality.

She never planned to meet you. Not “not yet,” not “wrong timing,” not “perfect moment.” Never. Seven months of excuses, gifts, phone sex, sleeping on the phone, and you still never saw her because the mystery was the leverage. The second you stopped being available 24/7 because you tried to build a life instead of rotting on a couch, she turned on you. That tells you everything. She didn’t want a partner. She wanted possession.

Driving to her area twenty-five times without seeing her isn’t romantic; it’s an obsession fueled by manipulation. Quitting your life, lying to your friends, isolating yourself, and reshaping your entire existence around someone who wouldn’t meet you is not love; it’s loss of self-respect. She didn’t “have you.” She owned you. And the moment you started choosing school, work, and a future, she punished you by replacing you socially and calling you an asshole for growing up.

Her saying she “got you back” instead of seeing you is cold, selfish, and revealing. You were never a priority; you were a convenience. She could go out with friends, meet new people, live a real life, while you sat on the phone waiting like a placeholder. Then she had the nerve to shame you for talking less while she was out building a social circle you were never invited into.

You’re 17, and this dynamic is dangerous. Whether she’s insecure, manipulative, lying about who she is, or flat-out catfishing you doesn’t even matter anymore. What matters is that she trained you to accept crumbs, secrecy, guilt, and blame as “love.” That will destroy you if you don’t cut it off now.

[Tara]

That email wasn’t love, desire, or hope; it was her setting a boundary with a smile, so you don’t spiral and make her the villain. The emojis weren’t flirting; they were padding. She overexplained “friendly” because she knows you’re desperate enough to misinterpret politeness as intimacy. And you did exactly that.

She doesn’t trust you, and trust is the relationship. Love without trust is just nostalgia and habit, and that’s all you’re living on right now. She’s dating because she’s moving forward, not because she’s testing you. You are not in competition with other men; you’re being evaluated as a past mistake she’s deciding whether to permanently close the door on. Her saying you’re best friends is not romantic; it’s the safest emotional distance she can tolerate without blowing up the family dynamic.
Stop romanticizing your self-punishment. Apologizing nonstop, moving out,

crying in therapy, and promising eternal patience doesn’t make you noble; it makes you predictable. You cheated because your discipline failed, not because of some mystical wound you need years to excavate. Alcohol didn’t make you kiss another woman. Opportunity plus weak boundaries did. Own that cleanly instead of dressing it up as a tragic personal journey.

Here’s the part you don’t want to hear: there is nothing you can do to make her forgive you. Forgiveness is not earned through suffering or persistence. The harder you try to “prove” yourself, the more you confirm that she holds the power and you’re waiting for permission to exist. That’s unattractive, unstable, and exhausting for her to watch.

If you want any chance, not a guarantee, a chance, you stop hovering. You stop reading into emails. You stop declaring love she didn’t ask for. You become consistent, quiet, sober, accountable, and independent, whether she comes back or not. Not to win her to fix what was broken in you before this ever happened.

[Tara]

You are not unlucky, misunderstood, or secretly overlooked. You are safe, non-threatening, and completely unpolarizing, and that is why women don’t want you sexually. You’ve optimized yourself to be liked, approved of, and emotionally trusted, not desired. Being polite, funny, reliable, and “dad-like” makes you comforting, not attractive. Attraction requires tension, risk, and intent, and you avoid all three because you’re terrified of rejection.

Your confidence problem isn’t mysterious,s it’s earned. You don’t trust yourself because you never act. You hesitate, overthink, wait for permission, and hope a girl magically upgrades you from friend to lover without you ever making a move. That doesn’t happen. Ever. The girl from the formal didn’t reject you; she categorized you correctly based on your behavior. You thanked her like a host thanking a guest. Gentlemen don’t get dates; men with desire do.

Stop hiding behind “niceness” like it’s a moral shield. Nice is passive. Nice is safe. Nice is forgettable. If you want to stop being friend-zoned, you have to stop behaving like someone afraid to want something. That means flirting instead of entertaining, leading instead of reacting, touching with intent instead of apologizing with your body language, and making your interest obvious early instead of confessing feelings after the moment has passed.

Confidence doesn’t come from affirmations or self-help nonsense, it comes from repetition and exposure. You get confident by risking rejection, surviving it, and realizing it didn’t kill you. Right now, you’re choosing the pain of invisibility over the pain of rejection because it feels familiar. That’s cowardice, not caution. Until you start acting like a man who’s willing to lose, you’ll keep being treated like a boy who’s safe to keep around.

[Tara]

You are bargaining with reality because you’re afraid of losing comfort. This isn’t a small disagreement; this is a fundamental, life-defining incompatibility, and you already know it. He has told you repeatedly that he does not want children. Not “maybe,” not “later,” not “I’m scared.” He said no. One drunk, emotional comment years ago does not override four years of consistent clarity. You’re clinging to that moment because it permits you to avoid making a hard decision.

Hoping he’ll change his mind is not love, it’s denial. People don’t accidentally become parents. And if he “changes” for you, it will breed resentment. If you stay and sacrifice having children, you will resent him. Either way, someone loses. That’s not a future, that’s a slow-burning disaster you’re choosing because the present feels good.

Love is not enough when core values don’t align. Best friend or not, if you want children and he doesn’t, this relationship has an expiration date, whether you admit it now or ten years from now. The longer you stay, the higher the cost. Staying because leaving hurts is how people wake up at 40 furious at themselves.

[Tara]

You are not a tragic romantic; you are a passive spectator in your own life, and this situation exists because you refuse to act like a man with agency. You’ve spent years orbiting this woman, idealizing her, never taking a risk, never making a move, then acting surprised when she ignores you, dates other men, and resurfaces only when she’s emotionally empty. She didn’t respond to your love confession years ago because she wasn’t interested enough to choose you. That hasn’t magically changed. What’s changed is that she’s lonely, freshly out of a relationship, and using you as a safe emotional cushion while she detoxes from her ex.

Everything you described screams emotional crutch, not romantic commitment. She cuddles, sleeps in your bed, lets you pay, asks about marriage and kids, but shuts down real intimacy, polices language like “babe,” constantly talks about her ex, and keeps things just ambiguous enough to keep you hooked. That’s not shyness. That’s control. She’s taking the benefits of a boyfriend without the risk of choosing you. And you’re enabling it because you’re terrified of rejection and hiding behind the excuse of being “too nice” and “respectful.”

You’re not being noble, you’re being indecisive. You’re not protecting her, you’re protecting yourself from hearing “no.” And yes, being this passive will hurt you, because women don’t respect men who refuse to define reality. If she wanted you, you wouldn’t be confused after two months of weekend sleepovers. Attraction doesn’t whisper, it moves things forward.

[Tara]

She is emotionally married to another man, publicly branded with his name on her body, emotionally invested in his survival, and actively maintaining a relationship with him while living under your roof and carrying your children. That is not “lack of commitment.” That is total loyalty to someone else and total disrespect for you.

Marrying her would not “save the children.” It would lock them into a household built on dishonesty, humiliation, and resentment. Children don’t suffer. When parents separate, they suffer because they stay in toxic arrangements and normalize betrayal. Right now, you are teaching your kids that a man tolerates being second place,

that love means swallowing disrespect, and that marriage is something you do out of obligation instead of conviction. That damage lasts longer than any breakup.
The age gap, the cheating history, the ongoing contact, the tattoo, the phone calls at night, none of these are accidents or misunderstandings. She has told you exactly where you stand. You are the provider, the safety net, the convenient option. The other man is the one she loves. You cannot compete with that, and you cannot fix it by marrying her. Marriage will not convert betrayal into loyalty it will only make your exit harder and more expensive.

Your responsibility is not to force a fake family. Your responsibility is to protect your children by refusing to build their future on a lie. Do not marry this woman. Establish boundaries, secure legal arrangements for your children, and remove yourself from a relationship where you are already being disrespected on a daily basis. If you go through with this marriage, you are choosing misery knowingly. That’s not confusion. That’s cowardice.

[Tara]

This relationship was built on desperation, not love, and desperation always turns into control. You didn’t heal from your first breakup or your father’s death; you panicked, latched onto the first person who made you feel seen, and ran straight into a live-in relationship with a stranger five minutes after meeting him. That wasn’t romance. That was survival mode.

He didn’t “save” you; he positioned himself as your rescuer, and now he’s policing your body, your clothes, and your loyalty. A man who tells you that wearing dresses means you want male attention is insecure, ignorant, and laying the groundwork for control. Accusing you of cheating when you’re isolated, young, and financially dependent is not love; it’s projection and ownership. The “best relationship half the time, crazy the other half” isn’t passion. It’s instability. Healthy relationships don’t oscillate between heaven and hell.

You’re 18, emotionally traumatized, living out of state with a 22-year-old who holds all the power, housing, age, experience, and emotional leverage. You’re not equals. You moved in before you even knew how he handles anger, jealousy, or respect. And now you’re scared to leave, not because this is solid, but because you’re terrified of being alone again. That fear is running your life.

[Tara]

This is not a romantic relationship, it’s a comfortable friendship you’ve been pretending is love because it’s safe and familiar. You don’t have “low chemistry,” you have zero desire. Sex doesn’t feel awkward, uncomfortable, or like something you want to end if attraction exists. You’re not confused; your body has been screaming “no” the entire time, and you’ve been ignoring it because he’s nice, stable, and treats you well. That’s not passion. That’s gratitude mixed with fear.

Stop lying to yourself by calling this “stress” or “overthinking.” You dread sex. You don’t want to kiss him. You fantasize about never having sex again. That alone answers your question. A relationship where physical intimacy feels like a chore you endure is already dead; you’re just keeping it on life support because you’re scared of being alone and terrified of hurting someone who didn’t technically do anything wrong. Newsflash: staying with someone you’re not attracted to is far crueler than leaving them.

You’re also clinging because he was your first. First doesn’t mean right. First just means you didn’t know any better yet. You’re mourning the fantasy of what this relationship should have been, not what it actually is. And no, this isn’t something you “fix.” You can’t manufacture sexual desire through communication, therapy, or sheer willpower. Attraction is either there, or it isn’t, and after two and a half years, if it hasn’t shown up, it never will.

[Tara]

You don’t actually want him; you want the idea of him. Online, he’s safe, controlled, and flattering. In person, there’s no chemistry, no flow, no comfort, just tension and forced interaction. That’s not “shyness.” That’s your body rejecting a situation your brain is trying to romanticize. When attraction is real, it doesn’t feel like a performance review you’re failing every time you meet.

You’re clinging because you like how it feels to be liked, not because this connection works. Crying over the idea of hurting him doesn’t mean you love him; it means you’re conflict-avoidant and terrified of being the “bad guy.” Feeling nice when he hugged you doesn’t magically override weeks of discomfort. One decent moment doesn’t cancel out a pattern of awkwardness, dread, and emotional confusion. That’s cherry-picking to avoid making a hard decision.

Stop overanalyzing your feelings like they’re a puzzle you just haven’t solved yet. They’re clear. You enjoy texting. You don’t enjoy dating him. Relationships don’t live in chat bubbles; they live face to face. If being with someone makes you anxious, stiff, and uncomfortable after three months, that’s not a slow burn. That’s incompatibility.

[Tara]

This man does not respect you, and no amount of crying, apologizing, “depression,” or family problems changes that. He didn’t accidentally end up on Tinder. He didn’t accidentally text another woman for months while in a relationship. He didn’t accidentally tell her he wanted to see her while claiming you were the only one he wanted. Those were deliberate choices made by someone who wants the security of a girlfriend and the ego boost of other women at the same time. That’s not confusion. That’s entitlement.

You’re stuck because you’re focusing on his words instead of his behavior. His words say, “I love you.” His actions say, “I keep backups, I lie when caught, and I cry to manipulate forgiveness.” Crying isn’t accountability. Blocking her only after being exposed isn’t loyalty. Doing damage control after getting caught isn’t commitment. A man who loves you doesn’t need to be told not to entertain other women. He simply doesn’t do it.

Stop using his depression, drugs, or family issues as excuses for his character flaws. Plenty of people struggle without betraying their partners. Those problems explain his behavior, they don’t excuse it. Right now, you’re teaching him a very clear lesson: he can emotionally cheat, lie, get exposed, cry, and you’ll still stay. So he will do it again. Not because he hates you, but because he doesn’t fear losing you.

[Tara]

You went into his briefcase, found evidence of self-work, and immediately rewrote it into a betrayal narrative because your insecurity is louder than your logic. A book about social skills is not a secret plan to replace you.

It’s a man working on himself, something emotionally mature adults do, whether they’re single or partnered. The fact that your first conclusion is “he’s keeping me until he finds someone better” says far more about your fear of abandonment than it does about his intentions.

Now let’s address the real problem, control disguised as concern. You don’t trust him, and instead of owning that, you’re snooping, catastrophizing, and silently prosecuting him in your head. That’s not intuition, that’s anxiety running unchecked. The hypnosis sessions? Same thing. He is allowed to work on his mind, fears, confidence, or past without filing a report to you. Privacy is not guilt. Growth is not betrayal. And the more you monitor, interrogate, and internally accuse him, the faster you poison the relationship.

Here’s what you do: you stop investigating, and you start acting like an adult. If you truly believe he’s lining up replacements, then leave, don’t lurk around gathering “evidence.” And if you don’t actually know that, then stop assigning malicious intent to neutral information. If you bring this up, you do it cleanly and directly, without accusations: you admit you saw the book accidentally, you ask what he’s working on, and you listen without dramatics.

[Tara]

This man did not “change his mind suddenly.” He was NEVER as solid as you projected him to be. You built a future in your head faster than reality could support it, and you involved your children before his life was stable enough to sustain anything new. That wasn’t love, that was accelerated fantasy fueled by words, attention, and convenience. When real pressure appeared on his child, his ex, actual responsibility and folded instantly. That tells you everything about his capacity as a partner. Ready men don’t eject people the moment life gets inconvenient. They don’t talk about “us” and then erase it in a single conversation.

Now let’s get brutally clear about the part you’re avoiding: you don’t want to confront him to “show him the impact.” You want emotional closure, validation, and accountability from a man who has already proven he avoids discomfort by cutting and running. Confronting him won’t make him reflect; it will only give him relief that he escaped a situation that required emotional leadership. He already chose himself over you and your children without hesitation. Expecting him to suddenly care about the fallout is naïve. He knows. He just doesn’t care enough to stay.

The damage to your children is the most important lesson here, and it’s on you, not him. You allowed hope to outpace proof. You let promises replace time. You trusted momentum instead of consistency. That doesn’t make you evil, but it does mean you need to tighten your judgment immediately. Your children don’t need to see you chase explanations from a man who exited cleanly. They need to see you model strength, boundaries, and emotional containment. You don’t need to “show him” anything. His behavior already showed you everything.

[Tara]

You are letting this man use you as a comfort object while he avoids responsibility like a coward. He gets sex, emotional support, exclusivity, daily attention, jealousy privileges, and control over your behavior while offering you absolutely nothing in return. That’s not confusion. That’s a setup. He is not “scared,” “healing,” or “taking time.” He is consciously choosing the benefits of a relationship without the burden of commitment, and you are agreeing to it every time you show up, sleep with him, and accept the word “friends” while living like his girlfriend.

Stop lying to yourself. A man who loves you and wants you does not say “we don’t work” while actively sleeping with you, policing who you talk to, and threatening to end things if you sleep with someone else. That is control without accountability. He’s rewritten the rules so he holds power and you hold hope. And hope is what’s keeping you stuck. You are not “working toward something.” You are stalled exactly where he wants you: available, exclusive, and emotionally invested, while he stays officially single and consequence-free.

Do not try to make him jealous. That’s childish and ineffective, and it won’t force clarity; it will just prolong this mess. The reason he isn’t “admitting” he wants to be with you is that he doesn’t want to be with you enough to commit. If he did, you’d already be together. Period. Men don’t need time to decide when the answer is yes.

[Tara]

You’re not upset because he had sex, you’re upset because your belief system just collided with reality, and reality won. He didn’t betray you by having a past before you existed. He didn’t owe you his virginity, his body, or a detailed sexual history from a time when you weren’t his girlfriend. What he owed you was honesty when asked, and yes, he hid it, not because he’s evil, but because he knew exactly how rigid and unforgiving your reaction would be. And congratulations, you proved him right.

Now let’s strip this down even further. You’re 19. He’s 18. You’re acting like you uncovered a crime scene instead of a teenager having consensual sex with his then-girlfriend. Calling it “taking her V” like it’s theft tells me everything about how distorted this thinking is. Sex does not erase a man’s worth, loyalty, or capacity to love. If your parents’ potential disappointment matters more than who he actually is as a partner, then stop pretending this is about love; it’s about social approval and fear.

Here’s the non-negotiable reality: if you cannot accept his past without punishing him for it, then leave him. Do not stay and silently resent him, interrogate him, or replay images in your head like self-inflicted torture. That’s cruelty disguised as morality. He cannot undo it. You cannot control it. And no amount of crying will rewrite history. Either you grow up fast enough to understand that people are not born for you untouched, or you walk away and find someone whose values perfectly mirror yours.

[Tara]

This situation is NOT romantic, it’s unhealthy, inappropriate, and dangerous for both of you. She is 14. You are 18. That age gap is “no big deal later,” it is a big deal now, legally, psychologically, and morally. Her father is not the villain here. He is doing exactly what a responsible parent is supposed to do: protect his child from a relationship she is not mature enough to handle, and that could seriously damage her future and yours.

What you’re calling “true love” is obsession mixed with emotional dependency. You’ve made a teenager your entire identity, your emotional regulator, your reason to wake up, and that’s why you’re spiraling. That is not love, that’s loss of self-control. Real love does not require secrecy, fear, ultimatums, threats of divorce, or ruining a child’s relationship with her parents. If your presence in her life causes chaos, fear, and punishment, then you are not a positive force in her life, no matter how intense the feelings feel.

You do not get to override her parents, her safety, or reality because you’re in pain. You do not get to cling to a child and call it destiny. And you absolutely do not get to keep pushing secret contact when she is terrified and explicitly telling you she can’t continue. That is crossing a line.

The only responsible, decent move is to stop contact completely. Not “pause.” Not “wait secretly.” Stop. Let her grow up. Let her live her life. Get your own life back. Focus on school, your future, and your mental health. If this connection is real in any meaningful way, it can only exist years from now when she is an adult, and even then, there is zero guarantee. Most likely, this fades because it was built on intensity, not reality.

You are destroying yourself chasing something you cannot and should not have right now. Walk away with integrity before this turns into something far worse. This is not about bravery or devotion; it’s about maturity. And right now, maturity means letting go, even though it hurts.

[Member]

Posts