Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

I Bee-Lieve

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dating advice required

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  • October 8, 2009 at 4:02 pm #1206
    veryconfused1982
    Participant

    hi

    i hope you can help me

    i have been on 3 dates with a telephone engineer from my work, we get on great and there is great chemistry between us. he told me how he was really hurt when the mother of his child cheated on him and they split up 3 years ago and he has not been with anyone since.

    the 1st dat was great, we got on straight away and kissed for ages afterwards, we did not want to leave eachother. 2nd date was great as well and again when it was time to say goodbye we sat outside in his car for 2 hours kissing and cuddling.he says to me that once i got want i wanted i would be off! this kind of threw me! on the 3rd date we were sitting cuddling when out of the blue he says that he is not ready for anything serious as his head is not in right place at moment, i do completelty understand this as i know you cant have expectations have 3 dates, we start kissing again and it goes alot further and we end up naked on the couch but we did not go all the way, he says its up to me how far we go. we then lay and hugged and talked about silly little things, he said he hates his job but the he met me through it and he was chuffed!!

    we dont really contact eachother alot when not together as see him nearly all the time when he is in my office but when we do speak on phone it just feels natural. i am really confused as i am getting mixed signals!

    can you please help me!!

    xxxxxx

    October 8, 2009 at 10:51 pm #9993
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Your getting mixed signals because the guy you’re dating is confused about whether or not he wants a real relationship. He’s got a lot of baggage from what he tells you about his child’s mother cheating on him. On your third date, he realized how much he liked you, and how vulnerable to being hurt that made him. He didn’t want to feel hurt again, so he backed off as a pre-emptive strike. So you couldn’t hurt him.

    You found yourself naked on the couch with him because he is attracted to you, and wanted more, and you want this relationship to be a serious one. But the truth is, he’s emotionally wobbly.

    My advice to you is to cool it.

    Why would you spend your time with someone who isn’t ready to be with you 100%? Until he’s over his last heartbreak enough to commit 100% to being with you, you should just casually date him, and keep your mind and eyes open for any other eligible men to date, as well. Don’t call him. Let him pursue you. And while that’s going on, try and find out if this hurt he’s carrying around is going to be a major impediment to a future together.

    The wonderful thing about dating is that you get to know people well enough to decide whether or not they’re who you’re looking for in a serious relationship. Of course, you have to know what you want, but clearly, you want someone who is looking for something serious. You’re valuable. You deserve to be the prize. And the reality is, [i]he wants you to be the prize[/i]. [i]He wants to be smitten with you.[/i] And if you act like you are the prize, it’s going to make him more attracted to you, and he’s going to either step up to the plate or walk away, with more certainty.

    Hope that helps!

    October 13, 2009 at 3:49 pm #10021
    veryconfused1982
    Participant

    Thank you very much for that April,

    i am not a very confident person myself and i in the past i have came on far too strong with guys, i am really scared of doing this with this guy as i think given time we could have something really good as long as he gets over his past issues. we get on so well and i can act myself around him, we just seem to constantly laugh.

    i seen him last night and he said he was not feeling his self, he says his head is all empty and mixed up, we sat and spoke for ages just about silly random things and before long he is cheered up and we cant stop laughing. is this a good sign?

    i must sound pathetic but i am really clueless when it comes to this sort of thing

    xxx

    October 14, 2009 at 1:54 pm #10473
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    I’m not sure what you mean, when you ask me if your having a nice talk with this guy, is “a good sign”?

    I’ll try to be very clear with you again: This guy is unsure what he wants in a relationship. He likes you, but he can’t give you a stable commitment right now.

    So, if you want to hang out with him, date him, have sex with him, and not get anything stable in return, then you’re on the right track. 😕 If you want a strong, committed romance with someone, he’s not your guy. At least right now.

    When I told you to cool it with him, it was meant as advice that would allow him time and space to figure out what’s going on with him, and for you to date other men, too, so you can decide if you want a committed long term relationship, or just some fun with someone who’s only there for you when he’s able to be (emotionally, I mean).

    I strongly recommend you buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]and read it this weekend! It’s a book for women who are uncertain about dating, or who are not getting the results they want from the effort they’re putting out. You’ll get a lot of good information, advice and tips about dating smart, so you won’t feel you’re clueless any longer.

    I hope this helps! 🙂

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