- This topic has 1 reply, 2 voices, and was last updated 15 years, 10 months ago by
April Masini.
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October 11, 2009 at 8:59 pm #1318
relationshipa1
KeymasterDear April,
I have never written to one of these sites but find myself in need of some person advice from someone who is not too close to the situation and I value your opinion. I have been dating my boyfriend, a wonderful amazing man, for about a year now. He is without a doubt the person I want to be with with the exception of his family. His mother, sister, and father are a great family, they love and support each other in ways that I wish I had but it is all at a cost. Immediately after I started dating my boyfriend there was resistance to my presence. They made no attempt to speak to me and at some points ignored my presence. My boyfriend asked me to hang in there and told me they would get used to me… this continued until the passive aggressiveness finally manifested in a full confrontation between my boyfriend and his entire family, where he stood up for me and made it clear that he expected they make an effort to get to know me. It turned out that they had expected he would not date until he was 30… and they felt he was too young to make any relationship decisions (currently he is 27). This was news to him as he has had prior girlfriends. I think they are threatened because I am the first woman who they have seen him truly love.
Since, things have gotten better and they are trying to be nice but he is now living back at home. He finished school and he knew it would break his families heart to tell them he did not want to move home. As a result he is now living an hour away with them… I should also mention that I moved from my home to a totally new city so that we could be closer. We are in the situation where his family now has complete control over his life, he is not financially independent of them which makes matters worse. I should also note that we are both professionals and the whole reason he is not working is that his family wants him to take time off (a way to control him more?) I know this is situation is not fair to me or him and we have been fighting over it… He says he will move out but his family will most likely disown him. I am at the point I don’t know what to do. I think I would be out of line asking him to leave and loose his family but I am unhappy with this arrangement. The only way I get to spend time with him is if I go there and submit to the whims of his family and I still feel like I am going into the lions den. I guess what I need to know is what is reasonable… I don’t want him to blame me five years down the road for loosing his family and I hate seeing him squeezed from both sides but this is not a good situation for me. I just cant figure out what is fair or right. I would really appreciate any input.
Thank you.October 13, 2009 at 7:24 pm #10408April Masini
KeymasterThank you for posting on my site, and for your kind words! 🙂 I’m happy to help you, but hope next time you will post your questions in the Q&A forum!Now, as for your boyfriend, I have one word of advice to sum up everything else I’ve written below:
[b]RUN![/b] Your boyfriend is a 27 year old professional who has chosen his family over you.
😥 He’s living with them???😯 You will never win this power struggle based on what you’ve told me.My advice to you is to value your self and your time, and quit wasting it on a man who at 27 years of age, is living with his parents who don’t expect him to date until he’s 30 years old.
😮 This family is going to control their adult son for the rest of his life and he is complicit in this dynamic.You, however, are right to feel uncomfortable and frustrated. What is disheartening to me is that you don’t see how you’re doing the same thing he is!
🙄 You’re being complicit in a controlling relationship where you agree to see him on his terms (even though he blames his family for the terms), which are clearly not in your interest.I’m sorry to tell you that your boyfriend is not Mr. Right because he is not his own man. He comes with a family attached at his hip, and they don’t want you!
Consider buying my book, Think & Date Like A Man, at this link
[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] 😥 You will understand how to spot men who are interested and available, as well as compatible, and how to date smart so that you actually get the guy you want!I’m sorry for this news that is probably hard to read, but I think you’ll come to realize it’s true.
Let me know what happens, and good luck!
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