[Abby88]

hi,

just wondering how to talk to my partner about helping out around the house….i don’t want to feel like i am nagging every time i want something done. but it seems that when i ask…it’s like asking a huge favor.

i like taking care of him. dinner, keeping the house clean, laundry always being done, etc. but sometimes i want him to ask if i need help or even just offer to do it. it would make me feel as though he appreciates what i do and is wanting to help out to show that he cares.

nowadays when i do anything, it seems like his “thank yous” are meaningless. like they are just programmed to be said after i do something. it doesn’t make me feel appreciated. maybe he does actually mean it? i do these things as one of my signs of affection. to let him know that i do care. i’m beginning to feel like a personal slave…

how do you ask to do simple things…like pick your clothes up off the ground, or make the bed, or wash dishes?
he seems to think these things don’t matter so much and i shouldn’t get all worked up. but i grew up in a very clean household and yes, i am a bit of a neat freak! sure i can deal with clutter for a few days, but when it begins to build up, i know it’s time to get it cleaned up. it’d just be nice to have some help. normally i do all the ironing (sadly..i actually enjoy it!) but now I’ve reached the point where i want to stop and i want to be able to tell him that it’s now up to him to iron all his clothes for work….i don’t want to sound bitchy. it’d just be one less thing for me to do!

i am all about work hard, play hard…but there are times where i am doing housework and he wants to spend time together and if i’m too tired after all of it, like after prepping/making/tidying up dinner…i end up feeling guilty. i just think to myself…if you had helped out maybe i wouldn’t be lacking soooo much energy and wanting to just go to bed.

yes, maybe i could relax and let the dishes sit over night…but we live in a very tropical climate and having a clean house tends to keep most pests and bugs away. so i tend to always make sure everything is clean before the night is over.

i want to be able to share these tasks so we can spend more time together…and i don’t want him bitching about it when he’s doing it! i’m beginning to think that because i’ve taken so much control over all of them he might think that whatever he does isn’t going to be good enough…to the point where i do pretty much everything. the thing is…i’d feel very happy (and respected) if i came home one day and dinner was made…and i didn’t have to do a thing! sometimes it’s nice to put your feet up…he would know, he does it all the time…

i’m feeling a lot of resentment and need guidance as to how to speak with him about this issue. especially since we talk about having kids. if he’s this way when there are childeren in the house, i’m sure i’ll fall over from exhaustion every day. i just want a helping hand and not try to lecture my way into it…

any advice is appreciated.

[Ask April Masini]

Gosh, it seems like the simplest solution here is to get a housekeeper!

You want him to do and be someone he’s not, and you don’t want to change who you are. This isn’t a problem worth losing time together over. If you can find a housekeeper who fits your budget, you’re going to feel a lot better — and so is he.

I hope that helps! 😀

[Abby88]

unfortunately, that is not in our budget. we are trying really hard to save up for a house and to cut down on most expenses.

believe me, I’ve suggested it!

[Ask April Masini]

If you can’t afford a housekeeper, than accept that you’re not equals. You may be equivalent, but you don’t do the same things, like the same things, are good at the same things and think or see things alike, at the same time. If you can accept this, then you’ll realize how much benefit you’ll get from a re-distribution of delegating the chores in your house.

I hear you saying how much you like taking care of him, doing laundry, cooking and cleaning — yet it’s pretty clear he doesn’t like doing any of that stuff himself, nor does he see it as a value in you. So accept that you can’t have it all. Once you get over that disappointment (and I’m not meaning to be sarcastic — I really understand that it’s disappointing to realize you can’t have what you want), decide if you’d rather have a messy house or a good relationship with your husband.

If you choose spending time with your husband over having a neat house, then you may find yourself happier. In addition, you didn’t mention anything that he brings to the table. Does he have any assets or contributions to the relationship and the living situation that you appreciate? Does he take care of the cars? Mow the lawn? Carve the Thanksgiving turkey? Or are you, like him, unappreciative of what he does around the house and the relationship because it’s not of value to you? 😕

This problem shouldn’t be a deal breaker. And if and when you have children, your house will be a wreck sometimes and maybe even often. Most families with children have messy houses because there isn’t enough money and energy to get everything done, so they choose to take care of the people in the house, and let the housekeeping go because they have limited resources.

See if you can get creative and figure out ways that both you and your husband both get some of your needs met and recognize that you’re both giving up getting some of your needs met because you put the relationship ahead of your own individual needs.

Let me know if that helps.

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