[r.jessie]

Sorry, long question ahead… I’ve been struggling with several things in my first relationship. Overall it’s made me happy, and I feel this is the first guy I’ve had a real connection with (I’m 19). People tell me I’m attractive, but I’ve gone through so many jerks. However this guy is affectionate, supportive, and likes my personality. I’ve known him off and on for a year, and we’ve been close about 5 months. But there are some things that bother me, and I’m wondering what to do about them.

First off, I was misled about his age. I met him online, where his age was listed as 23. He was actually 26, and he’s 27 now. I didn’t know this until a few months ago, when I asked him. He said his friend changed it, and he apologized. He seems a lot younger. By then I really liked him, but I still feel weird about it.

Secondly, he doesn’t really turn me on. He’s cute, but not exactly hot. I’ve had sex with him a few times in the last few months, and I like the intimacy, but no fireworks. He’s gone down, but only for a few minutes. I definitely turn him on, but I’ve started saying no to sex because it’s uncomfortable. He’s said its fine, but I don’t want to lose him…

And last, he’s holding back from making me his girlfriend. We talk and hang out a lot, we’ve met each others friends and family. Sometimes he jokes about getting married (no way, i’m too young lol). I’m confused! He says “officially” dating has different expectations. He also says stuff like he knows I’m gonna leave him, and we should just enjoy the time we have. He says he’s not seeing anyone else… He has more than the average number of female friends, tho I’ve met them and he doesn’t seem involved with any of them. He says being “taken” would make it awkward around them tho.

He’s made it clear he cares about me, and he’s one of my best friends. He cooks for me and takes me out downtown. But sometimes I feel taken advantage of… What’s going on?

[AskApril Masini]

Trust your instincts — you have good ones. When you don’t follow them, you’re going to get into trouble. 😉

Regarding his age — when a guy misrepresents his age to a 19 year old woman, it’s because he’s looking for younger women online, to date. He’s afraid that if he’s honest upfront, and tells you that he’s 8 years older than you, you won’t be interested in him. In other words, he’s controlling the relationship to get the outcome he wants, and he isn’t giving you the opportunity to make a decision based on the truth. Be wary of his taking advantage of your lack of experience. 😉

Second of all, if there’s no sexual chemistry, and you don’t want to have sex with him, he will move on. A 27 year old guy who finds a 19 year old woman online, is looking for a sexual relationship.

Third, the reason he’s not making you his girlfriend is because he doesn’t want to. He’s playing the field, and he’s seeing other women, as well as you. He doesn’t want to appear “taken” around other women because he wants them to be seen as available to them. Since he wasn’t honest with you about his age, it’s more than probable that he’s not being honest with you about his playing the field. Assume he is.

Fourth, it’s not clear from your post if he’s actually taken you out on any dates. Be clear with yourself that if a guy is interested in you for more than sex, he’s going to treat you as if he’s interested in you for more than sex.

Lastly, don’t trick yourself into thinking he’s your friend. Men and women aren’t friends — one person always wants more than the other, and that creates miscommunication and hurt feelings. In addition to which, friends don’t lie to each other about their ages. Time to wake up and smell the coffee.

I hope this helps.

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