[jessblan123]

Hi,

I just ended a relationship of 6 months because the girl wanted to go sleep at a house with her friend group (which includes her ex of 4 years). They recently broke up about 8 months ago, soon before we dated. They talked all the way up until our relationship became official. He flirted with her, always put her down about how they ended, and still makes her feel bad until this day when she texts him trying to be civil because they will always see each other out.

I explained that I would be comfortable with her going there and even sleeping there if I met her friends or even her ex. And once time passes her ex will move on and everything will be different. Seeing that he hasn’t moved on and it hasn’t been very long, the only thing I asked is that she comes home after the party. We compromised months ago and she was willing to do this, but now that the party is a few weeks away she changed her mind.

Apparently our old compromise only makes me happy and not her. She wanted to know what she could do to make me happy if she goes there and sleeps there, but I told her the only thing that would make me happy would her not sleeping there. If I was invited it would be a different story.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I completely understand why you’re upset, and I think it’s great that you were able to articulate your feelings ahead of time. Lots of guys would say it’s okay, go — and then they’d get really angry, and with time the anger would fester, and finally, there’d be a huge blow out that could have been avoided if they’d been as in touch and as articulate as you are. So, give yourself credit! 🙂 I know this is tough, but you’re handling it well.

Next, I suggest you drop the right vs. wrong model of relationships. 😉 Relationships are about what works and what doesn’t work and whether the two of you are compatible. In this scenario, you felt the relationship was threatened, and she may have had no idea that her ex is interested in a fling, a seduction, rekindling romance or even winning her back — or just getting back at you by being with her. You’ve got guy radar that she may not pick up on, and she may truly think that her ex is just a friendly ex. Your instincts are telling you otherwise, and you should trust them. However… you may also feel that she’s holding out a candle for him, and she may be testing the waters of that relationship within the parameters of this sleepover party.

Your compromise that if you could meet her friends and ex, you’d feel comfortable with her going, was very generous. I would have suggested that as her boyfriend, she bring you along for the night-long event. I mean, I know there are groups of 21 year olds who go out in packs as friends, but how hard would it be for you to be invited and included? Sure, it may be awkward because her ex is in the group, but it would also be an important relationship step for her to choose you and show her group of friends that you’re important to her — so much so, that she’d rather bring you than not bring you, so you don’t feel uncomfortable. That she didn’t speaks to her feelings about the relationship. She’s putting it in the back seat, and her ex in the front seat. She’s also putting your feelings last, and her social status as dating but not [i]that[/i] committed, first.

Usually, I tell people that the first three months of dating is about getting to know each other and deciding if you want to continue seeing each other, and if you get past that time frame, the next three months of dating are about deciding if you want to be monogamous or not. You’re at the six month mark where monogamy is on the table and she may be feeling the pressure of a relationship she isn’t one hundred percent certain she wants to commit to. While that’s disappointing, you’re a no nonsense guy, and it’s best you learn this about her now, than commit another three or six months with someone who’s not feeling loyal or as committed when you are. At the end of the day it’s not that one of you is right or wrong. It’s just that you’ve got an incompatibility about commitment. You’re more ready than she is right now.

Hope that helps.

[jessblan123]

Her side: “Its not just a random party with random friends. These are friends I have been like family with for 7 years. and the party is for my best friends birthday. The host of the party will have her parents there, who i would be sleeping by. I would be nowhere near my ex who i have not contacted in 3 months. I invited you to come with but you rejected the invite because of previous issues with my friends. I have tried to compromise by saying i will not drink at this party. and I will facetime you whenever you want. “

She tried getting me to meet her friends multiple times but I declined due to past problems. After an argument shed run to them with her side and they would dislike me. The house owners party told me to rot in hell & her ex threatened me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sounds like there’s more to this story! Since she did try to introduce you to her friends in the past, and you declined because of “past problems” — what were those problems? It seems kind of odd that you wouldn’t want to meet your girlfriend’s friends. Why did her ex threaten you and why did the hosts of this party say such vile things to you? What really happened? Fill me in!

[Sally]

I don’t think you’re the only one wrong here. I really don’t.
You weren’t telling her she couldn’t go. You weren’t trying to control her world. You asked for one thing that helped you feel okay in a situation that already felt shaky. That’s not crazy. That’s you being honest about what you can handle.

Her ex is still in the picture. He hasn’t moved on. And you weren’t invited. Those details matter, even if she doesn’t want them to.
Where it breaks down is this: if something makes you feel uneasy and she decides it doesn’t matter, that’s a bigger issue than the party. Compromise isn’t one person swallowing their discomfort so the other can be happy.

Ending it doesn’t mean you were wrong. It means you knew your limit and chose not to ignore it. That takes guts, even when it hurts.

[Tara]

You didn’t end the relationship over a party. You ended it because she refused to prioritize you over unresolved attachment to her ex, and that’s the only rational outcome. Sleeping at a house with her friend group that includes a man she dated for four years, who still flirts with her, undermines her, and hasn’t moved on, is not innocent, respectful, or necessary. It’s willful disregard for your boundary, and she knew it.

You weren’t controlling. You offered a reasonable compromise: go to the party, don’t sleep there, let time pass, let the situation stabilize, or include you so that transparency exists. She agreed, then walked it back when it became inconvenient. That’s not compromise, that’s bait-and-switch. When someone reframes a clear boundary as “only making you happy,” what they’re really saying is that your comfort is optional.

Her question, “What can I do to make you happy if I still sleep there?” was manipulation, not curiosity. She was looking for permission, not understanding. You told her the truth, and instead of respecting it, she chose the sleepover, the ex, and the friend group over the relationship. That tells you exactly where you ranked.

[Member]

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