[gleeface]

My boyfriend and I are in love and have just celebrated our one year anniversary. From the night we met, we’ve seen each other or spent the night together almost every day of the week. I believe we inspire one another to become better people, be more adventurous, be more involved in current events, and learn new things. He is 30 years old and still trying to establish his career (though his experience and skill set are great so far), and I am 26. I am pretty successful (heading upwards!), own my own condo, and expect my man to reach for the stars in his respective field. We are compatible in terms of ivy league college education, but our backgrounds are quite different. Still, we hold a lot of the same values and we get along amazingly and rarely ever fight. He owns his own car, rents a sort of crappy apartment in a nice part of town, and generally isn’t super materialistic. He was planning on moving to a nicer place closer to me, but he recently unexpectedly lost his job and realized he could no longer afford to stay in his current apartment for the long term. He has been actively seeking employment everyday, has been getting unemployment checks, and certainly hasn’t asked me to loan him any money, but in the midst of his job-loss stress, I offered him to stay with me until he got back on his feet….. if it became necessary.

Last night he asked if it was okay for him to move in with me and I agreed, so long as he’s paying rent and utilities based on how much he can afford with his unemployment. I made it clear that he needs to continue to be dedicated to finding a job and pull his weight around my place. I also told him that he cannot bring any of his furniture, since it would clash with my current interior design. He has enthusiastically agreed to all of this.

Had he not suddenly become unemployed, it’s safe to say we wouldn’t be moving in together right now. I personally think it’s too soon because I would rather reserve this type of living arrangement with someone I’m engaged to or likely to become engaged to. Although I love my boyfriend, I’m still not 100% sure if he’s “the one”, and I’m actively watching his next moves to better understand whether or not we’re a good long term fit. I feel like I still have a lot of time on my table before making any quick decisions about settling down.

I’m concerned that the pressure to live together based on my offer is going to put a strain on our relationship, mainly because there would be lack of private time, and also because it’s MY place and not his. Even though we’re together basically every night, I have no idea how long it’s going to take for him to find a job, and once he does, I would prefer him having his own place so that we can maintain some sort of independence for a while. Also, I know that my family is not going to be happy about it, since they’re not 100% convinced he’s the “best candidate” as my future husband, and I’m at a loss as to how I can best tell them without making him look like he’s taking advantage of me. I sincerely want them to like him as much as I love him, but in the end, I know that I’m going to make my own decisions.

Do you have any advice regarding how I can best approach this soon-to-be living situation? Should I put a cap on the amount of time he’s going to live with me? Is it best to make a contract? Or am I making the wrong decision?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Go to the Hallmark store and buy yourself a Mother’s Day card because you just turned into his mother. 😕

Living with someone is a big deal. It takes you off the market. It signifies a commitment BECAUSE you’ve just taken yourself off the market. And it’s usually the result of a romantic swell signifying a future together.

You don’t have any of that. Yours is more of an economic arrangement — and you’d do better to take in a paying roommate than an unemployed boyfriend who you’re counting on to pay his half of the rent 😳 and who has to abide by the kind of rules a controlling mother or landlord would impose, like he can’t bring his own furniture into your house. 🙄 Do you see how wrong this is? If you were moving in together because of love, you’d be building a future together. Instead, you’re treating him like a little boy who can’t handle real life man issues. Your boyfriend asked if he could move in following his job loss. This is not the time for the two of you to be moving in together. This is the time for him to get a new job and focus on his career.

I hope you’ll buy and read Think & Date LIke A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], because it’s going to give you a lot of information about winning the dating game. And one of the things I emphasize is not to fall in love with a man’s potential. You seem to be doing just that. 😳

I know you think 26 is young and you have plenty of years in front of you to make mistakes and learn from them, but let me save you some heartache, some wasted time and some money: Don’t have your boyfriend move in with you. Your instincts are already telling you that, and you’re trying to ignore them — so you wrote to me to remind you that you really do have a good head on your shoulders! Now use it!

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Member]

Posts