[singledad]

My situation is a very difficult one and I would appreciate any advice I can get. I have been seeing a woman for going on 4-1/2 yrs now (we are both 41). I met her as a single dad of 3(but two were out of the picture already) One has gone to college 1 yr ago, and the other moved out of state. I now have my 7 yr old visit me every other weekend(he lives with his mother). For the first time in 15 yrs I no longer have the responsibility of a single parent. When I met this woman she told me she had two children ages 2 and 6 who were staying with their grandmother. We then began dating, as time passed she told me she actually had 4 children, the other two ages 15 and 16, then eventually she revealed she had 6 children (the final two were adults 19 and 22). By this time I didnt really care because we were hitting it off well and I figured these siblings would not affect me.
After about two yrs together she began staying the weekends at my apartment while the her 4 children stood with her mom, again thought nothing of it. She then began to have many problems with her children behavior, especially the teenagers(school, rebellion and disrespect), also the two adult siblings began to bring their problems to her home, one became homeless so eventually settled in her home, the other was jailed on drug charges. My girlfriend was distraught. She has had nervous breakdown in her past and suffer from panic attacks which was brought to my attention at this time also I began to see bipolar episodes. I felt bad so told her she could stay for a week until things calm down. A week became a month, month became a year and so on. But she never brought her children to stay, with the exception of a few rare visits. Around the 2 yr mark we now had a ritual of sort of taking the kids out so one weekend, I decided to take all the kids to a carnival(her two ages 4 and 6 and my 6 yrs old), we stopped off at a McDonalds> During the time we were eating my 6 yr old and her 4 yr old had a disagreement(typical children stuff), My girlfriend began yelling at my child at the top of her lungs, (in the middle of McDonalds)But not a typical scolding, cursing and yelling at my child(bipolar episode)even threatened to hit him. My child was scared and shocked. She continued the tirade as we walked to the car, as I looked at my childs face(he was scared) I could not help but flip out on her and I actually threatened her(which is very uncommon and uncharacteristic of me). We moved on and she apologized. I never trusted her with my child and still dont till this day. Reason being is that she never treats my child the way an adult treats any child, I get a bad vibe. Funny thing is I dont treat her children like that let alone any child. For God sakes she does not even greet my child when she sees him.
About the 3rd yr Mark, we had a huge argument in which I told her to leave my apartment. The bipolar episode went into full swing, She did not want to leave the apt, and physically assaulted me,Police arrived after neighbors called, her bipolar made it very easy for the police to figure out who was in the wrong and took her away. We made up about 2 months afterwards.
At the 4 yr mark I decided to move from the city to the suburbs which is only a 20 minute car ride. She began to ask if I would take her.I told her she should visit me on the weekends (stay with her kids)or come over as often as she wants but I told her I would not be willing at my age to start a new family in my 2 bedroom home.I mean I already did my duty for 15 yrs as a single parent. She again was distraught and told me she wanted to be with me even if she leaves her children with the grandmother. I reluctantly allowed it. But I pay all bills and Mortgage ALONE.
Its now been 5 months. The 3 children(hers and mine) visit us every other weekend (basically the schedule I have always had with my son every 2 weeks)and they love it and actually get along very well. I guess they love it so much because they are city kids and rarely get to go out and play. Me and my girlfriend have many disagreements concerning the kids when they are at the house because I am a disciplinarian and dont allow many things that she allows. She has a borderline obese child and I enforce good eating habits, especially when the others have to eat as well, and much more that I will not disclose because it could simply be a matter of opinion and not a question of right and wrong. Honestly I think her lack enforcement of proper habits is very wrong. She is now insisting that her children visit more often because she misses them. The kids are on winter break and have a few extra days off. I told her she should go home to be with her children if she misses them. The reason I say this is because I too would love to have my child here as well, but simply put, I dont trust her with my child while I am at work. I wont allow her to reap the rewards of my suburban home, with her children when I cant even have mine here. I told her my feeling and she responded “what does your child have to do with me missing mine?”, followed by calling me selfish an told me she doesnt want to babysit my child anyway. I am so frustrated.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

What’s your question?

[singledad]

[quote=”April Masini”]What’s your question?[/quote]
I just wanted some advice on how to handle this type of situation. Am I blind not to see that this relationship just wont work? Should I move on? Should we stay in separate homes?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

If you’re looking for a healthy relationship, this isn’t going to be it. You lost me in the first paragraph when you started dating a single mom with two children, who later revealed she’d lied to you and she had[i] four children[/i]. 😮 And then some time after that, revealed, that [i](woopsie!)[/i] she lied again and actually had [b]six children[/b]. 😯

At that point you were dating someone you knew was dishonest. [u]And you continued[/u].

Two years later, she’s spending weekends with you and leaving her children with their grandmother. I’m not sure why you went along with this, knowing she left one grandmother alone with SIX kids. It’s not surprising that the children began having behavioral problems, but again — why you didn’t do something about it, is of concern.

Then, she lets in a drug addict and a homeless relative — when she’s supposed to be taking care of her kids. 😯 You should have called child protective services in the interest of the six kids.

Again, I’m kind of perplexed about why you let her stay with you for a week when her bipolar disorder kicked in. Unless, of course, you’re a physician… 😕 And when she moves in — [i]and abandons her kids completely, [/i] you continued to support her and this relationship. But the cherry on all this is that she screams at your child and threatens him. 😯 And still…. you’re with her. Then she assaults you, is arrested by the police…. and you’re seriously asking me if you should stay with her? 😯

Sorry for being rough on you here, but you really need to drink some strong coffee and look in the mirror and ask yourself why you’d put your child in danger; be a party to her children’s abandonment and neglect, and live in such an unhealthy relationship for as long as you have.

Obviously, she needs help, but so, my friend, do you. I’m not sure you know what a healthy relationship looks like. But if you’re not sure, it’s the exact opposite of this. 😳

[Member]

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