[Pandu]

My husband doesn’t like me holding hands with my brother in public. He is annoyed when I go on bike with my male colleagues n college friends. He was open n liberal before marriage. Now he gets irritated n annoyed at every point. Even that ours is a long distance relationship. Is it OK with him. How do I understand his behaviour n explain him. Please help me out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-posting questionnaire, you wrote that you’re 30 and your husband is 33 and you’ve been together for a year, and long-distance for a month. Your husband doesn’t like you holding hands with your brother — so why not just stop? It seems like a small kindness you can do for your husband. 😉 And if he is jealous of your male colleagues and college friends, why not restrict your social life to your female friends as long as you and your husband are long distance? You didn’t mention how long the two of you are going to be long distance or why you’re long distance, but if you’ve only been married for a year or less, it would seem like these little things he’s asking for might be a temporary gift to him from you. When you live together, not long distance, then maybe you can invite him along with your male friends and their wives or girlfriends, so it isn’t as threatening to him. It sounds like these feelings he’s having are about the distance, and once that’s solved, you may not have this problem.

[Sundus]

If a man gets angry when his wife holds hands with her brother, he is not being protective. He is mentally ill. Letting go of his brother’s hand is not the solution to the problem because tomorrow he will say, “Don’t even talk to your brother.”
And I think there is no cure for insecurity, and if a man gets into the habit of doubting, it becomes poison.
So you should take a stand.

[Cassian Rowe]

The change you are noticing in behavior is a sign of insecurity. Dynamics can shift after marriage, and expectations and fears become clearer, and long distance can make those feelings stronger. However, there’s an important distinction between concern and control.
Holding your brother’s hand or going out with colleagues is a normal behavior. If he becomes irritated by this, the issue isn’t the situation; it’s his perception of it. You need to talk to him calmly and clearly. If he is willing to understand, you will find balance. If not, then this is not just a small issue, and it’s a deeper trust problem that could grow over time.

[Member]

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