[Vitus]

Dear April I need your advice. I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years now. We met as she was ending a bad releationship. We have so much in common and where very attracted to each other. She has 4 kids from previous men. The kids call me dad and I love them very much. I quit my job of 15 years due to problems at work. So I have be come the stay at home dad. Now I will admit ive not been a perfect boyfriend but I never cheated. Also last 5 months I have been lazy and the house is not what it needed to be which caused stress. A month ago we went looking for a new car. The car dealer was very helpful. A few days later I found text from the car dealer that had nothing to do with the car. I could not read them all but the ones I saw was him trying to keep in contact with her. I confronted her ( by then she deleted the messages) and she was crying saying it was just talking nothing more. I felt stupid for over reacting. A week later we planned to go on a trip. The night before she came home saying her depression meds where making her tired and sick she passed out. I needed a knife to cut something and she had one in her purse which I bought her. I looked and inside was a go phone. My heart hit the floor. I looked and it was the car dealer. I read through and saw she was cheating I felt so broken. I’ve taken my time to rub her feet every night of our relationship and I find this. I confronted her and she admitted to it but she charged me for the phone and deleted the messages. She told me how she felt turned on by him wanting her. She told me she wished I had made her feel that way. She told me how it was ending between them. They met at least 3 times. I love her but I felt so sick. She said that he wasn’t anything and she messed up. The thing is we where to get married in a month but I don’t know if she’s just keeping me around for the kids and if she still even is attracted to me. Since then we have been intimate multiple times and she said it was better than before. But I don’t know should I stay in this ? Please help I’m so lost.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People cheat for different reasons. Since you’ve been with her for four years, and this problem has only just occurred, it sounds like something’s changed.

When did you quit your job and become a stay at home dad to her children? How long has it been? Are you considering going back to work at all?

Also how old are the two of you?

[Vitus]

Well last year I quit. I did the stay at home dad thing because she got a new job. She use to work from the house and we spent alot of time together. I have wanted to go back but she argueed that I could stay home and take care of kids and the house. That was always a big fight. I’m now going back to work because being alone drives me nuts now. She said what she did was horrible and she realizes what I mean to her. In the same aspect I’m making a real effort to keep the house up and show more attraction and affection which i was lacking before

[Vitus]

I am 31 she is 28

[Vitus]

I am 31 she is 28. I stayed home due to her getting a new job. She was working from her home. Now she works longer hours. This was the main reason for me to stay home. I want to go back to work but any time bringing up me working made us fight. Since she cheated I am going to work again once I get hired. She has tried since she cheated to make more time with me. We seem closer I just don’t want it to be a act. She said her main reason was due to stress and work and kids plus she felt I didn’t show her the affection she needed. I will admit for the past 4 months she has mentioned showing her I wanted her I was scared I didn’t know how so I didn’t. Now I feel stupid but can it still work or is it to late.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How many different men have fathered her four children?

[Vitus]

3

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for all the extra information — it’s helped me formulate a good response for you. 😀

Remember I said that people cheat for different reasons? Well, as the one who’s been cheated on, sometimes you have to step back and look at the cheating behavior from a broader perspective.

This woman is 28 years old and has four children with 3 men — and since the two of you have been together for four years, since she was 24 — that means she had the 4 kids in about 6 years if she starting getting pregnant at age 18. That’s one kid every two years with three different men. 😯 The math here is pretty astounding because what it means is that she isn’t very stable and she blows with the wind. I can guarantee you you’re not the last guy she’s gong to be with. She’s got a pattern of going from guy to guy and having children in a very liberal (ahem) way. That you caught her cheating with a car salesman may feel like devastation — but I’m asking you to consider it as a gift. You are dodging a bullet if you take the hint and get out now.

You shouldn’t be a stay at home dad to her four children. You need to have your own job and your own life and a woman who is more stable if you’re looking for a stable relationship, which I know you are. So quit being lost — here’s your roadmap:

1. Your girlfriend is flaky at best and irresponsible at worst. She’s never going to be monogamous for long.

2. Accept her cheating on you with her car salesman as a sign, since you didn’t see the other ones along the way, that are telling you she’s not going to be monogamous to you. She’s not someone who puts other people first — she’s first and she’s not into sacrifice in a relationship.

3. Use this infidelity as a good reason for you to get out of this relationship and move on. You can easily do better. If you stay, there will be other men.

I know this is tough to hear, but I hope it helps. You’re not lost. But you are disappointed. There’s a big difference. The latter is better because now you know what to do.

Please let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Vitus]

Wow I think your right about being disappointed. She was very selfishcheating to make her self esteem better. Wow this is hard. Thank you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know it’s hard, but luckily, you’re not the fourth father of her fifth kid! 😕 Next time you date someone new really get to know them well before you continue a relationship! 😉

[Vitus]

Tubes tied but I see what u saying. I just was hoping I was different ( bet u hear that alot). I just know I will miss what I thought she was and miss the kids.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t miss what you thought she was unless you continue to live in a fairy tale. 😳 My advice is to see the reality even if it’s harsh sometimes, get out of the fairy tale — and you won’t miss someone who’s selfish and puts themselves ahead of you and her children.

Have a strong cup of coffee today, and read Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who want to win the dating game. You can do it — but you have to open your eyes. 😉 Here’s the link for the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. Buy it and read it!

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Vitus]

I see what your saying. My only hang up she seems pretty remorseful for it. She talks to me about it and said she’s never Huey someone like this who loved her and she will do anything to keep us together. What do I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Move on.

If she really felt that way, she wouldn’t have cheated on you with your car salesman and kept it hidden from you. She has a history of going from man to man without regard for her children or the men. This isn’t a good situation for her kids and it isn’t for you either. If you stay, prepare for more of the same.

She’s remorseful until she’s not. Her history is what you should learn from. It’s recent and it’s consistent. If you’re looking for a healthy, happy relationship, this isn’t going to be it. 😳

[Vitus]

I will tell you this pain sucks. I don’t want to miss out on the kids life. Wow she messed up our family now the kids are gonna think I’m the bad guy.

[Member]

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