[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So you met him a few weeks ago, and he’s asked you out a few times, but you don’t want to go. Now, it seems like you’re overthinking things. If you don’t want to date him, then move on and don’t spend so much time on him. And if you do want to date him then accept one of those lunch dates he’s offered and see if the two of you connect in person. Bottom line, it sounds like you’re not that into him, and you should find someone else to date who makes you feel excited about seeing. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like this situation calls for some different choices than simply being right or wrong. 😉 Clearly, you have competition. Your boyfriend and this woman have a relationship that is becoming more intimate as her gifts to him are becoming more expensive. But, instead of telling your boyfriend to give the gifts back, which creates drama and acknowledges your jealousy, try to take a softer, higher road approach. 😉 You can be right in your concern that he’s got a relationship with this other woman, but you don’t have to dump your jealousy in his lap. Instead, focus your energy on your relationship with him. Work a little harder to win him over so that he wants to make you feel special and isn’t interested in this other woman. If he didn’t care about her, or if you didn’t think they had a special bond, these gifts wouldn’t matter, but the gifts are just a symptom of what’s really going on. He’s got this relationship that’s worrying you. This isn’t his fault…. as much as it’s a relationship problem between you and him.

I hope this helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. How old are you both? And was he like this before the two of you married? Or was it just since he lost his job 3 months before your wedding?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sure, you’re justified! Your feelings are your feelings. And you want the guy you’re dating to be all yours and to not have shared intimacies with other women — and if he has, you’d like those women to be distanced from you, so you don’t feel like you’re sharing him, or that he’s shared these intimate experiences he has with you, with others. There is nothing wrong with that. Most people feel this to some degree at some time with someone they’re dating. Sometimes people feel jealous of a widow or widower’s deceased spouse. Sometimes they’re jealous of an ex spouse. And sometimes they’re just jealous of an ex. Welcome to normal. 😉 That said, you don’t want your feelings to interfere with your life. So, decide where you want to draw the line. Some people won’t date someone after that person has dated their sister or brother. Other people think it makes a lot of sense to date a sibling’s ex. Some people don’t want to date a BFF’s ex, while others are okay with it. Your comfort zone is yours alone.

If you want to continue to date him, now knowing he’s dated your friends and colleagues, then you can. But if you find that this is too upsetting to you then decide that the two of you are incompatible because of his past dating life, and find someone outside of this circle to date.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So, then my advice is that you consult an attorney, together, to find out the legal boundaries on this question. Explain the problem to an attorney who specializes in real estate law in your area, and ask if this scenario you’re upset about is even possible. Do it together so you don’t appear to be calling up lawyers behind her back — which may inflame things. Make it a joint project, and take an open minded stance. Just do the research on this topic, and you may even find that this is something she can’t do without your signature and consent. But do it together. And if she won’t join in, keep her in the loop, again, so she doesn’t feel like you’re doing something behind her back, legally. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both? How long did you date before you married?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let’s talk about the first woman you love. You’ve dated her for four months and she won’t spend the night with you. 😯 Find out why. If she has children at home, and feels she needs to be with them at night, that makes a lot of sense. However, if she is married and not telling you — or living with someone she has to come home to at night to keep that relationship steady — then there are complications behind her behavior. So, figure out why she won’t spend the night with you, especially if you love her. And if you are upset about giving her money, then don’t. That’s in your control. 😉

As for your ex-fiance, in spite of what she may have told you about her boyfriend, she’s still with him. If he was really that terrible, she wouldn’t be. Also, her co-parenting relationship with her child is between her and her child’s other parent, so if you walk into a relationship with a single parent, like her, you’re walking into a complicated relationship — more so than if she had no children. I know you’re in love with her, but it isn’t clear that she’s really available and willing to date you. 😕

If you love the first woman, do a little more work on that relationship, but don’t give up playing the field. It doesn’t sound like either of these scenarios is really right for you. I hope that helps! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So, if you’re committed to the idea of being with someone who knows that they love you in a certain time period, and he doesn’t, then you should move on. Staying, like this, is just torturing yourself and him. 😕 However…. if you want to stay with him then you should stop pressuring him to have feelings that may or may not come in time. Not everybody gets to the same place, emotionally — or if they do, at the same time. It sounds like you have a clear idea of your expectations, and he’s not meeting them. That’s disappointing, but you have choices. You can either move on and look for someone who is more compatible, or stay and nurture the relationship, or stay and pressure him, which will lead to a break up without a lot of grace.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not you. That may sound like a line, but sometimes you choose someone who has baggage that they bring with them to the relationship. She’s got this problem of having been cheated on and not having healed. Because she hasn’t healed and isn’t over that event in her life, she’s working out her problems on her relationship with you. So you can be 100% faithful, but if she’s not a trusting person, no matter what you do, she’ll find anxiety. It’s really important to find people who are compatible with you to date. Sometimes someone looks great “on paper”, but emotionally, they’re carrying a big problem around. I think you have to be a little more focused on the problem she’s got, and understand that she isn’t ready for what you are. Anyone who calls a break after four months of dating, is trying to find the exit door. It may not be a straight line between point A and point B, but she’s not trying to move the relationship forward. She’s trying to move it backwards. My advice is to accept the break and move on. I know you’re hurt, but be grateful this happened after only four months, and not after fourteen. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The entire thing was not a lie — not at all. This requires a deeper understanding of what friends with benefits really is. When people tag relationships as friend with benefits, they’re not friends. Friends don’t have sex with each other. They just have sexual relations without a commitment. There are all kinds of reasons that people get into these relationships, but the bottom line you have to remember is that when you have sex, you’re not friends. I think that that worked for you, but when you agreed to change the relationship to a committed, monogamous one, I think you skipped a lot of steps because you assumed the sex meant more than it did. The reality is that moving in with someone is a big deal! And going from FWB to monogamy is very tricky and usually doesn’t work. When he realized that, he wanted to go back to what did work in the past, but you’ve decided not to. And that’s fine — but you have to understand that he’s not ready for a committed, monogamous relationship where there’s more than just sex. He’s realized that, and you’re disappointed in the fact that the monogamy didn’t work out. And you’re blaming him. 🙁 The entire thing was not a lie. It was a process, and there’s a lot to learn from what happened, if you choose to. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask her to go on a date with you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, take a breath — you don’t know that he’s cheating. Second of all, reevaluate your relationship goals. This will help you decide what to do next. You’re out of college, and for some people at this stage of life, they’re looking to get married, but for others, they’re looking to start their careers and marriage is nowhere on the radar. Decide what you want. If you want to keep dating without an endgame in site, but want monogamy, understand that you’ve got competition, and up your game. 😉 If you want marriage on the nearby horizon, then decide if he wants the same. You may have had different goals when you met on Tinder in college, than you do now. Don’t ask him, and don’t give ultimatums, or initiate a conversation or a talk — but do observe. He may be feeling pressure you don’t realize — after all, you discovered all this on your way to a wedding, and he may subconsciously have been looking for an out to his own commitment. And, the 12:30 a.m. call may have been a fluke, and while flirty, nothing to worry about in the long run — or it may have been him having second thoughts about your relationship, in the middle of the night, and acting out.

I hope this gives you a direction to start considering your own thoughts and behaviors — and if you have any other questions, please ask.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No. If you know that you want to date a guy with a college degree, then why not stick to that? You’re free to have a list of what you do and don’t want, and it’s your choice and your responsibility to date smart. Why waste time? 😉 If you only wanted to date tall guys — that’s your prerogative. If you only want to date guys who vote with a particular political party, that’s your choice, too. You get to decide who to date and who not to date. 🙂

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