[April Masini, your AskApril]

The internet is awesome — but it can be very creepy, too. Just because you meet someone online don’t mean that they are who they say they are. Especially when it comes to sex. Lots of folks troll the internet looking for people who will have sex with them — and they’re rarely who they say they are. This woman who says she is 19 and wants to go to your house to give you oral sex, may be 19. She may also be a 55 year old man. She may be a married woman. She maybe be another guy your age. You just don’t know because it’s the internet. In addition to which, you really shouldn’t invite people you don’t know to your house — no matter how nice they seem to be on the internet. I know you’re interested in sex and the internet seems like an easy way to get an experience you’re interested in, but I think that you should stick to real life and not invite people home that you’re meeting online. Sorry. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t — not here. Sorry.

Why not work on your self esteem? If you feel that there are ways you can look better than you do, and you can do something about them, make yourself your own project! 😉 If you want to get healthier, adjust your diet and exercise routine. If you want to get smarter, learn a new language or read a few interesting books. If you want to be more social, join some organizations and have a few parties. 🙂 The reality is that guys don’t always go for the woman who looks best in photographs. They go for the woman is who is confident, interesting and makes them feel good about themselves. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that you’re upset about his silence. The bottom line is that if a guy is interested in you, he’ll make contact, and if he isn’t, he won’t. I can’t really tell from your post what your history with him is beyond the fact that he’s someone you’ve had sex with, off and on, for two years now. That doesn’t mean he thinks of you as a girlfriend, and it sounds like he’s dating other people beside you because you mentioned your relationship has been “off and on”. You’re probably dating other guys, as well. If you want this to become a monogamous relationship, then I think you have to change your behavior and your outlook and act like the kind of woman he would want to be monogamous with — and if he’s not the kind of guy who’s not looking for monogamy, then understand that, and know that you have different goals.

I hope that helps. Feel free to write with any follow up questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry this is painful. The lesson here is that men and women cannot be friends. It’s not politically correct, but more often than not, it’s true. I’m sure you completely understand now, that it was a mistake for you to push him to contact her and spend time with her, if you wanted a monogamous relationship with him, yourself. Now, you’ve gotten back together with him, but he’s missing her and telling you so. 😕 It really sounds like he’s not ready to be in a relationship with you because he’s not over her. Your questions about whether or not he loves her or whether it’s “right” for him to think of her so much are understandable, however…. whatever you want to call it (love, lust, lost friendship), he misses another woman he’s broken up with. And whether or not it’s right isn’t really on the table since the two of you are entitled to your feelings. As much as you may want him to love you and only you, it’s just not the case in this scenario. I think that it might be prudent for you to try and find someone to date who really wants you and only you. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to decide what you want for yourself. If you want a committed, monogamous relationship, then that’s where you have to put your energy. If you want to have an affair that will probably lead to more of the same in spite of this guy’s marriage to someone else, then put your energy there. This is really all about you and what you want to do with your life. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Ana! How old are you both? And where did you meet?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The basic issue here is that she was looking for a commitment on a time frame that’s different than yours. You didn’t meet her time frame, so she went looking elsewhere. You weren’t wrong and neither was she. This was just a difference in your personalities and your relationship goals. She’s more of a live wire who likes to live in the moment, while you want commitment and to hedge against heartache. She’s willing to risk heartache to try and find love and a particular commitment (marriage), and you’re less so. When you meet someone like this, you stumble on an opportunity to learn about yourself. 😉 Really decide if this person is someone you want to be involved with, given who she really is, and who you really are, and if she is, give it a try — but understand that she may or may not stick around beyond her time frame. Being smart about dating will keep you from being hurt.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think there’s something else going on here. It’s not just about sleeping over. You said that the two of you had been dating on and off for about three months, and that’s about the time when you decide if you want to continue dating someone based on what you’ve learned about each other during the three months of dating. It sounds like you wanted more a commitment than he did and instead of focusing on that fact, you focused on his not spending the night as a way of his not showing that commitment.

My advice would have been, at the time, to chill out and focus on the big picture. If you really like him enough to let this difference slide for the time being, then you could have continued to date him and see how things progressed. Unfortunately, I think you were so focused on not getting what you wanted when you wanted it, that you pushed him away. 😳

Next time…. think big picture, not small one. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Great! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like his job loss gave you the opportunity to see his petulant side really blossom. 😕 That said, these bad situations like a job loss or an accident, or a death in the family, do come up in life. And sometimes you see a side of your partner — even after decades of marriage — that you didn’t know was there. It sounds like you’ve been focusing on his behavior, and while that’s understandable, it’s going to be easier for you if you focus on your own instead. It’s always a tough job to get someone else to change their own behavior, simply by telling them to. More often, if he sees you change yours, he’s more likely to change his.

Try limiting your time together. If weekends are are going to be unbearable because of his complaining, make your own plans to do errands, see your mother, and visit with girlfriends. You’ll be more empathetic when you meet up with him for dinner, because you took care of yourself. And when you are…. tell him you feel so badly about his situation, and ask if there is anything you can do to help. You may assume he knows you’re there for him. Asking outright, might make him realize what you thought he assumed, and hadn’t. Third, in a kind manner tell him that you’re very sympathetic, but that the negativity about his loss is bringing you down, and could you agree on not discussing his job or career issues after 7 p.m. at night because you want to enjoy him and the marriage. Try these three things, and see if you’re not happier. You can’t fix his career, but you can help yourself, and possibly the marriage, in doing so.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How long have the two of you been together? And how long have you been married? Also, how old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you made a mistake, and if we were friends, I’d be making sure you had party invitations for this holiday weekend, so you could be single and available. 😉 Anyone who has dumped you “numerous times” over five years and dumped you “in the most obscene and horrible ways” is best left in your past. You can do better — and you will. 😉 Decide that at 34 years of age, you’re ready for a relationship with someone who is respectful, committed and has great character. And go looking for someone with those three qualities. If you want a long-term, committed relationship, that’s what you need. Now, make some plans for the weekend, so you’re busy and active. An idle mind is the devil’s playground — get busy and start this new chapter in your life today. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So, there’s a chance that the two of you may have more of a friend vibe going than a lustful or sexy feeling, after being together for 6 years, at your ages of 23 and 22, and both of you virgins. Try and create a romantic mood and focus on getting to know each others’ bodies, not just having intercourse. That will take the focus off of intercourse and allow you to get to know each other and slow things down.

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