[April Masini, your AskApril]

It looks like you’ve already started a string of posts on this forum here: . Please go back to the original string and repost these new questions as a “reply” so I (and anyone else who wants to chime in) can see your history in one place. I’ll look out for your new post, and will answer it there. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s clearly brought some baggage to the table and she’s dealing with it. In addition to which, it sounds like you may have been a rebound relationship after her fiancee died. She’s got a lot on her plate, emotionally, and to expect her to behave normally is unrealistic. That said, I don’t know that this is completely over because the erratic behavior pendulum swings both ways. She can break up with you suddenly and just as easily want you back, suddenly, because of her personality. My advice is to be very clear, yourself, on who she is and what you’re signing on for if you want to stay in the picture, and if you do, then you should try to maintain contact, but if this behavior that seems to be part of who she is, not just circumstantial (although she does have some traumatic circumstances) is more than you can handle, you should accept that and move on. People handle trauma differently — some let it roll of their backs, some take a while to process it and others hold on to it for different lengths of time. The long distance component of the relationship is tough — these types of relationships are more difficult, in general, than “in town” relationships. As for the cruise — don’t expect normal behavior from her. When you ask “what gives”, the answer is, this is who she is. Continue if you will, with your eyes wide open. And if you can’t handle this or don’t like it, then do yourself a favor and move on. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re upset. The answer to this issue lies in your own behavior — not his. 😉 You’ve wanted to get married for a long time, but stayed with a man, who for eight years, knowing marriage is important to you, doesn’t share your desire to marry and isn’t moving to get married. Now that you have a child together, nothing’s changed on the marriage front. You feel the same way as you did before. He feels the same way as before. His behavior matches his feelings. But, yours doesn’t. You’ve wanted one thing, and done another — consistently. Your choice remains the same. You stay or you go. It’s easy for me to tell you that this is pretty simple: You decide and then you act on your decision, but I know you don’t want to leave your boyfriend more than you want to be married — otherwise, you would have done it during these eight years. My advice is that either you stay and make the best of things or go and focus on being a single parent and then dating. You have to understand that in doing so, your boyfriend may find someone else to date and even marry, and your child will have a step-mother or a step-mother figure, joint custody, etc. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can try to help you work through this. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You don’t have to choose between love and money — simply stay still and let him visit you! 😉 If he wants to date you, he will. If he doesn’t, you’ll know that soon enough. Even though you’re on a budget, it really sounds like you’re turning into his sugar mama. 😕 No wonder his parents like you! Stop opening your wallet and start letting him show his interest in you by traveling to take you out. If he wants to date you, he’ll be respectful of your finances and your time. 😉

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you’re confused as much as disappointed that you’re not on the same page at the same time. Don’t fight with him over this. Just take a breather if you feel you’re going to argue. It sounds like the fighting over what appears to be control issues — what the relationship is, where it’s going — is threatening to destroy it. You’ll learn a lot, especially early in the relationship, if you don’t fight, and just listen. Accept the difference between the two of you and decide if you want to continue dating him or not. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think he’s lost interest in you, and because of his commitments where he is, is not as interested as you are in maintaining a long distance connection. When he said that if you don’t like things you can end it — that was his way of saying he’s not willing to work on the relationship. He’s focused on what’s happening in his life there. If you call and text him, you’ll lose sight of how interested he is in you — or uninterested he is in you. Let him lead, and you’ll avoid confusion. I know it’s risky because you may learn he isn’t interested enough to stay in contact, but if that’s truly how he feels, it’s way better to learn that sooner than later and not waste your time. However… if you back off, he may take the lead and that will make you happy. So give the relationship a chance to define itself, by not texting and calling and seeing if he does. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. If all else is going well, and his not texting is your only problem, let it go. 😉 Take a few steps backwards so you can have a better perspective on the relationship, and see that texting is a tiny part of what makes a relationship work. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re going to have to deal with the fact that you’re in a rush — and he isn’t. Although it’s been a year since you met him, you were at college for 9 of those almost 12 months. You’ve only had one date. I think you should start “your clock” running now — not from the time you met him a year ago. Use the first three months — from May to July — to decide if the two of you want to continue dating. If you both do, then use the next three months from July to September or October, to decide if you want to be monogamous. I know this feels super slow, but it’s a smart way to not rush into things and avoid getting hurt because of the rush. I don’t think you’re wasting your time but I do think you should be a little more realistic about his clock and it’s differences from yours.

I hope that helps. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should move on now. Since he suggested a break, there’s no sense in wasting your time. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Breaking up and getting over an ex is never a pat process. Your timeline for recovery is personal and unique — and it’s rarely a straight line from point A to point B. The best you can do for yourself is use boundaries and limit contact with him, as well as limit contact to parts of the day, like morning, where you have hours and hours to recover before bed. Use your best friends and family members to “debrief” after contact with him, and ask them to help you get over your feelings from a phone call or meeting with him. And stay busy. Smile at 20 new men every day, even if you don’t feel like it. You’ll be surprised how much a return smile can make you feel better about life. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand you’re upset about the situation. Do you have a question for me?

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