[Anonymous]

Well you said, let you know how things go. So, a little after i wrote here. i talked to her and got about 90% off my chest. and felt better at the time. So decided to continue seeing her. Although she did had asked me if i wanted space at that time but i said i didn’t really think so. I wish i wouldve taken that space now, i pretty much let her slide back in. Im pretty much over it but its still in the back of my mind. So i cant see myself getting in a relationship with her. Or my feelings any stronger. Its almost like a mental block. Like writer’s block for an author. Something in me just will not let it happen. But im not ready to say goodbye yet, there is a lot worse out there. Soooo, ill just wait until something better comes, or just eventually end it, or make her wanna end it. I kno, i kno. It sounds bad.

[Anonymous]

Hey April, Just wanted to let you know that I listened to your advice. I emailed my ex, I poured my heart out to her and she told me she still loved me. She also told me that she has been dating someone for a couple of months and wants to see what happens with the new guy, I guess I waited to long to tell her all these things. Funny thing is I’m ok with it, I put myself out there and now I finally have closure. Thanks for your advice. I guess I will just move on and find someone else

[Anonymous]

I’m just sort of confused, how do you [i]know[/i] that he doesn’t just consider the whole thing to be a friendly joke?

[Anonymous]

He recently moved back w/ his parents to minimize debt for his last year in college. So his house isnt really a viable option.

[Anonymous]

is it possible to go to him or is that too much of a hassle?

[Anonymous]

Thanks April,

I asked her if we could catch up sometime this week and she said she doesn’t think that’s a good idea… 😐 She said maybe in the future but she isn’t sure when. She said she wants to be single. But hey, it is what it is, she told me I’ll always have a special place in her heart so at least that will give me the comfort to move on.

[Anonymous]

OK, I won’t confront her, I’ll just let it go. You have no idea how hard it is….

I ordered your book from Amazon.com, it should get here shortly

[Anonymous]

If you really feel that way cupcake, then you need to end things with your husband. It won’t be easy – odds are you’ve been with him for so long that the thought of not having him around or rearranging your life without him makes your stomach churn. But you will survive, I promise. Carrying on the affair won’t get you anywhere. You will just feel guilty and immoral for doing so. It sounds like you will be a lot happier on your own and he’ll probably be happier once he’s moved on with his own life.
Just a thought – don’t tell him about the cheating if you are going to do it to aleviate your own guilt. That’s your cross to bear and there is no sense in hurting him further. If things aren’t working, things aren’t working. Act the adult and tell him that straight up.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to mention that our relationship seems stronger than ever and that my partner plans on seeing a therapist in the near future. Also that I have no education, job or transportation without my partner but that is not the only reason I’ve stayed. Over the past 10yrs the other women (friend as they call it) has been around for maybe half and they’ve psychically cheated on me and her fiance about 4 times. I feel like I love her too much to EVER walk away but I want to respect myself at the same, too. I’m so lost!

[Anonymous]

You are not trying at all if you are still seeing this other guy. If you loved your husband you would not be doing this to him. It is not fair to string him along. He loves you. It is you that can’t communicate, he is trying to communicate with you to understand what is wrong. He probably thinks it is something he did. End it already so he can move on and find someone else. He deserves better than you.

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Thanks for your prompt response.

You talk about the fact that behavior means more than what she is telling me. What would it mean if she at this point introduces me to her family, as she has been saying she wants to? Would that not be a behavior showing that she really does like me as more than just a friend?

What gets me about this girl is that if she knew from the start that she wasn’t ready to commit, as she likely must have, why would she let it go as far as she did? She says she is completely honest with me in telling me that nothing was wrong with the pace we were moving at, and how I was behaving. I just don’t really understand why suddenly this would appear as an issue.

I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have confronted her, and instead just given her space over christmas. Maybe then things would be back to normal. I realize im just throwing stuff out there right now that may or may not make any sense to you, I guess I’m just looking for someone to tell me that things may actually get back to where they were. Honestly though, will they?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what you mean by “came out swinging.” I never went after her physically or verbally. I said “I haven’t given her grief about it… and I can’t even imagine getting angry and yelling at her for what she got me like she did to me.” Coming out swinging is definitely not my personality, so I am not sure where you got that idea.

I’m in my mid-20s, and we have been together for about 3 years. She can be very sweet but then she can be extremely insensitive, almost as if she has a split personality. It seems like she has difficulty seeing things from other perspectives. Sometimes she will realize that she acted irrationally and she’ll say sorry and even ask me how I can stand being with her and such… my response is just asking that she tries to be more calm in the future.

In my first post, I also listed the gifts that I got her, the reasons why, and the ones she wasn’t happy with. I also mentioned that she got me something as a gift that she should know for sure that I have no need for at all, just because she won it as a freebie. I didn’t even say anything negative about it.

When I bought her earrings thinking she would be very happy with them, she didn’t like them. That’s fine I guess, but the way she treated me was worse than I would treat someone who I caught trying to steal from me. Yelling at me and such acting like I ruined her life, and all I’m doing is saying “please just calm down.”

This whole thing about gifts is just an example, not an isolated incident. Similar things happen in various situations. I just want us to be a team, where if one of us thinks something should be different we should just talk about it. I really see no reason for yelling in any case… it never helps anything. I don’t even yell back when I’m getting yelled at. I’ve actually had people ask me if I’ve ever yelled or cussed at anyone in my life. It doesn’t feel good when the person I want more than anyone else to be my teammate starts acting like I’m her enemy.

So that you don’t ask why I stay with her, as I mentioned she can be extremely sweet and loving and I have no doubt that she loves me and is committed to me. I just get confused when her mood and character makes such big and quick changes without any apparent trigger. Then when she is in a good mood, I keep thinking hopefully it will last longer this time, hopefully she wont start behaving like that again. Then I end up feeling like I’m walking on eggshells trying to keep her bad side from coming out. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m always trying to be with the “good” side of her and like the “bad” side keeps trying to get between us, when her good side is out we’ve even talked a couple times about how we can keep her that way… and when her bad side comes out all I want is to bring the good side back…

[Anonymous]

I agree April. At the end of the day, I can’t trust him. There has been numerous times where I have found pictures that were inappropriate in his cell and text messages. In the beginning of our relationship, he even took another woman out to dinner. I always had this feeling with him, so I kept my options open as well and continued conversations with men I knew before I met him. I knew this was unhealthy but it was almost like I was trying to protect myself. We have been apart for 1.5 months now. He is still calling and trying to get me back. I still love him very much but I know a life with him is filled with drama and stress and I don’t want this for my life. That’s one of the reasons I got divorced 4 years ago! On our last phone call, he advocated for us to get back together and that he will take care of everyone. He said he especially needed me because he needs me to take care of him. That’s fine in a way, but I’m supposed to do everything for him. He’s great in many ways but has a lot of bad habits, smoking, drinking, etc. and I don’t do any of those things. I have kids to take care of; I don’t feel like taking care of a 40 year old man! To me, life with him would be unhappy about 30% and I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness again. I did that when I was married and because I had 2 kids by my x husband. I think my decision to stay away from him is the best. I know there are other fish in the sea and someone that can make me completely happy. In addition, I would be taking on a lot of responsibility with him because he has 6 children and is a single Dad. I love the kids very much but there is a lot to say there. Your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

hi,
so i took your advice which has been going good. He finally opened up and let me know everything. Stating there are absolutley no feelings, and boundries were never crossed not once. He stated he was very comfortable speaking with her and was nervous I would make a big deal of this, he said she always asked how i was and when ever they talked i was always mentioned.That it was never anything more than that. I take it for what it is but I will never really know!! It took along time for me to forgive for this just because I was so hurt by the hiding. He is a great man and I know he didnt mean any harm, he just is stupid like all men. She is still very friendly and has recently invited me to a get together at her place. I still have a little thing against her due to this which i can keep to myself. Deep down sometimes I believe he may feel a certain way towards her and not want to share this with me. My question is from your perpective do you believe that this could really be platonic friends or do you believe deep down he feels some sort of way??

[Anonymous]

thank you April. I went for her, and now were dating, but she is still together with her boyfriend back home. she told me she will break up with him when she goes back over the winter, but I have a hard time believing it because she tried to break up with him last month over skype but she didn’t because he asked her not to leave her.
because she is still with him, she keeps feeling guilty and i can tell its eating her up inside. she told him she has feelings for me, and he knows something is up, but she doesn’t feel that breaking up on the phone is the right thing to do.

should I wait for her to break up with him or not?

by the way, other than the fact that we don’t have sex because she’s feeling guilty, we do act like a real couple and stay over at each others places.

[Member]

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