[Anonymous]

Hi Clueless,

Sorry to hear you’re feeling stuck here but I think I can relate. I am also a young 26 years old and a few years back, I built an incredibly strong friendship with a coworker and ended up making out with him. At the time, I was with my boyfriend of 3 years and was happy with the relationship. Today, the ex-coworker and I are still friends but we rarely contact each other. Since then, he has gotten married and has his own life as well but we both recognize that we can still make each other laugh once in a while without feeling attached.
You say you love your husband and that he’s the only one for you. However, out of respect for the relationship, you can’t/won’t talk to your ex-coworker because of what happened. Personally, I think this is a good move because I think the sex has brought up some attachment to the man but what you have to realize is that if things were meant to be with the other guy, life will work out in an interesting way to make it happen. Question is, are you in love with your husband? You mentioned that you picture your future with your husband but is it because that’s what you’ve come to expect or does the thought of your future together excite you? The real disconnect is the depth of the relationship you have with your husband. I feel that you want to seek out this other man because there hasn’t been that kind of a deep connection with your husband as this other man may have provided. You’re married. You love (even if not in love) your husband. Truth is, a deep relationship can always be built if both parties are in it for the right reasons. A lot can be discovered by observing conversation. There are 5 levels in conversation types that will reveal to you exactly how deep your relationship is with anyone (husband, family, friends etc…) The first is a cliche (Hi how are you? What’s up? Nice to see you again.) Second is fact-giving (It’s a nice day out. The weather has been pretty cold lately.) Third is opinion-giving (I feel _____way about this particular current event. I think….) Most relationships are only deep enough to stop at 3. If you can take it to the next two places, you know you have something real here. Fourth is talking about feelings towards the relationship (When you accuse me of things like ____, I feel like you are attacking my integrity and wisdom.) You need to be able to get real with people and call them out on things that make you hurt. Last is talking about needs (I am a broken person because of _____ and I NEED you in my life to help me reconcile this with _____). When you can acknowledge you NEED someone for something that will help you grow as a person, you know your relationship is deep. Take a look at your conversations with your husband and think back to the conversations you’ve had with the other man. Are you ever just talking to your husband out of politeness and keep your feelings from him because you think it’s irrelevant? Were there ever any times you felt you shared everything you were thinking with this other man that you feel you couldn’t with your husband? This might tell you why you’re feeling the longing for the companionship of this other person. Maybe it’s out of love but maybe it’s because you just want someone to know you and really see you like this person did at the time. Getting your husband to understand this and showing you want this deeper connection with him might help you forget about the co-worker in that way and not long for that kind of a friendship with him again especially if you realize your husband is THE one for you.

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April… sorry i forgot to put our ages, we’re both 28. Soon after I finished writing this post I realized I’m not ready to stay for him and this time if he wants me he knows where I am. Why should I always have to be the one to sacrifice in this relationship? As you said it’s a compatibility issue and I don’t think there’s much that can be done about it. He has since asked me to stay but i’m not ready to anymore and told him no. As much as I hoped this would last forever Ive realized that isn’t going to be the case. There are so many people out there I surely can find one better suited to me. I love him and can’t be mad at him just wish he’d grow up a little. At the same time I”m not going to be over him anytime soon that’s for sure, but i’m sure my good friends Ben & Jerrys and Haagan Daz will help me out a bit!

[Anonymous]

I’m saying am I trippin by being upset about him not being here EVERY night. He thinks I’m tripping.

[Anonymous]

I really not sure why I cheat. I’ve probably cheated about 7 times over the last two years. Alcohol has defiantly been a factor each time, as well in my group of friends such behavior is almost encouraged. I want to stop because I am afraid I will ruin my relationship by getting caught or contract an std. The fact that she cheated on me doesn’t really bother me anymore. The only time I think about it, is when I’m justifying my own unfaithful actions.

I’ve changed so much since we broke up. I’m less emotional and have went from being clingy and controlling, to more selfish and confident. However, I feel these attributes are positive. Some of that has to do with the fact that I get a lot more attention from the opposite sex now then when we first dated. Over the last two years, I have been enjoying the best of both worlds. The exciting single life with bachelor friends and the loving long term relationship. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and so is she having no clue I am cheating. Its going to be hard giving up cheating but I realize that if I don’t stop now its a matter of time before I lose her which is way more important.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband is also dating my boyfriend’s ex-wife. It has angered me for many reasons, most importantly because I feel very sorry for our children. What I have had to do is come to terms with the fact that I have no control over it. None. So getting myself all worked up isn’t going to help. Remember these points:

1. Your marriage ended for good reason. If not, then fight to get your ex back. If you don’t want him back, then let him find happiness and move on. It doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough, or that she’s better than you. It means that you and your ex aren’t right for one another. You have no idea how great or not so great their relationship is. But guaranteed it’s not the same as the relationship that you had with him. And she can’t take away what the two of you had. Let him go and find happiness, and do the same for yourself.

2. You’re not in competition with her. Your boyfriend chooses you. Why does your ex choose her? There could be a million reasons, but none of them matter really. This isn’t a competition.

3. You will never be happy in your life as long as you are looking at what everyone else around you is doing. Stop measuring yourself against others. Who are YOU? What does your ideal life look like? You can make it whatever you want it to be. This is a great time to make over your life. Every time you let them come into your thoughts, stop, and return your thoughts to yourself and your life, and where you’re headed, for that’s where you’ll find happiness. If you want to win, then be as happy as you can be, and that’s something that you have to do on your own. Throw that dead weight (them) off your back and move forward. It’s the best revenge ;O)

4. If there are children involved, then all you can do is love them, talk to them, and be there to support them. It will be hard, but unfortunately you can’t change the situation, unless you leave your relationship. Time will tell which relationship will survive, but don’t stay in one just so that you will prove a point. Take care of you and your kids. #1.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have internet access for the past week so I didn’t get your advice until now.
I ended up breaking up with him on New Year’s Eve.
New Year’s Day I got back together with him…
We had a long talk and we both said that we’d work on things.
But then, a few days later, he said he wanted me to guarantee him that I won’t leave him again.
At first, I told him that I wouldn’t do that because I don’t know what the future holds for either of us.
He got really upset so I told him that I wouldn’t.

I’m still really confused.

Like, I am torn in both directions.
On one hand, I want to be with him because I love him.
But then on the other hand, I want to be out with my girl friends and not have to worry about calling someone to check in.

[Anonymous]

I have been unemployed for a while. So I need this job. But what can we do about us? SHould we try or is it not even worth trying?

[Anonymous]

I like a guy who has hearing aids in both ears and he doesn’t like me at all. I feel terrible because no guys ever like me!!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your comment. I certainly don’t have a problem with him having conversations with women, what I have a problem with is him hiding a several month-long flirtation with another woman, lying about it and not ending it when he said he would. I think that it indicates something is wrong between us and needs some examination. He agrees but is coming up blank. He says he loves me and wants to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. He thinks I’m wonderful and easy to be with and says he can’t understand why he would do this because it doesn’t make sense. We’ve never had any issue in our relationship until now, I don’t pick fights with him or nag him, there has never been cause to. However this recent development is so surprising and disturbing to me because it is so out of character I can’t just ignore it and get over it. If there’s no explanation for it – even a bad explanation – then I think I will always wonder if there’s some problem lurking that will resurface again.

[Anonymous]

Guess what? He broke up with his girlfriend today. I have no idea why they broke up, but I’m going to take it as a sign. We haven’t spoken and he hasn’t returned my text. I’m going to give him space for now, but I’m sending him a text that I’m here for him if he wants to talk.

Thanks so much! I’ll keep you posted on what happens next!

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for responding. I really appreciate it!! I would love to see Chris one more time, but he leaves extremely early tomorrow morning for his flight. I sent him a text saying that I hope he has a safe trip and that I appreciate and cherish the brief time we spent together. I didn’t call him, though, in case he was sleeping. But I think I’m also a little afraid to call him to. I don’t want him to feel like I’m pushing him.

I’m definitely willing to take this further with Chris. I’m just nervous and scared that he doesn’t. He’s pushed me away a few times in the past, claiming I was pushing him too hard. I don’t want to make the same mistake again, if in fact there is something here. He’s already said he loves me on numerous occasion, but I think that is more out of friendship….right? I mean, we’ve known each other for such a long time.

At least for the next few months, we’ll be communicating over the internet and on the phone (when he has service, and not in the field). I even joked with him before that I was willing to go to Vegas or CA in the next few months, and that we should meet up. The base he’s stationed at is only 2 hours away from Vegas and is a few hours away from San Diego, I think. I’m more than willing to take a long weekend to see him, but I played it off as if it were more a vacation for me and maybe we could meet up if he had time.

I don’t know what my next step should be. I don’t want to push him away again and I don’t want to jump to the wrong conclusion either. What do you think I should do? You’re advice is GREATLY appreciated!

[Anonymous]

the first part of your story, of how yous met online, thats the exact same for me right noow! we’re both 14 and like, i live in england, him in scotland. he would say that i was pretty, or fit, or something like that.. then our relationship grew stronger. and like i know it sounds so gay because i dont properly know him, but theres something about this boy. after each msn conversation, we would say ”i love you” in a friendly way, but then i started falling for him.. and one night after he said i love you, i said i loved him more, then he admitted he properly loved me – he had fallen for me. as had i. so we talked alllllllll the time, swapped numbers and everything. we havent yet spoke on the phone.. i think hes frightened ;/ . but i really really like this boy and we started joking on how fun it would be if we ever met. then time passed and it got more serious, i was being serious about meeting him, so was he. i dont really think either of us know when or how to do this becaus of the distance. but everything was great, we kept saying iloveyou and he was being all cute and stuff.

but a few weeks ago, he started to become less chatty. he would still say the cute things and i love you.. but things seemed different. he would be soooo happy and talkative one day, then the next day he would talk in say, five word sentences. i really dont know why he is being like this.. he told me earlier that he loved me and even if he doesnt act it, he does, and that he gets moody sometimes and becomes off with people. i know im in lve with him and he knows hes in love with me.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP?! 🙁

[Anonymous]

If you are sure you have the right phone # (possibility she changed it?) then I would say you are being purposely ignored. If you haven’t done something you think might have upset her that would cause her to not return yours calls I would say looks like she may have moved on and don’t waste your time. If there is anything you may have done to upset her you could try leaving her a message in an attempt to apologize. Otherwise, personally I wouldn’t ignore a man’s messages/phone calls if I was still interested in him, that doesn’t make sense. I’m sorry 😐

[Anonymous]

Maybe the problem isnt her, maybe its you. Maybe shes testing you to see if you will stand up to her. Women want a strong man, not someone that will cater and cave in to them. You keep giving in to her and trying to please her. You do this even though you think she’s the one with the problem. She probably perceives you as weak.
You beg her for forgiveness? You cry when she threatens to break up with you and you think that proves you love her? No. That reinforces that youre not a strong man that she can trust. Re read what you wrote. Who is in control here? She is. A woman that controls her man is not attractive to her. If she is exhibiting behaviour you dont like then dont put up with it. Let her know what shes doing is not acceptable. Yes, you should talk to her about whats going on, and see if there are other issues. But stop being a wuss. You might find she changes her behaviour and respects you more.
Then again she might be a raging b*tch and all is hopeless, lol.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Seems like youre in a little bit of a pickle. Your girlfriend isnt ashamed of you in anyway, so if you have any remote feelings towards that, its not that at all. The pressure of the family disapproving of her relations with you, even though at her age its perfectly fine to be in a serious relationship, is weighing heavy on her. She mightve never shared any information as far as her “love life” with her family. So from her maturing and having interests with men then to being in a serios relationship is a shock to them. But even though they disaprove, she is a woman, she needs to take a stand to her family and let them know that she respects their thoughts and oppinions of the relationship but that does not give them room for her decision to be with you. You need to let her know that her doing that with her family, doesnt make you feel good, give her some time to man up and talk to her family brcause that will probably be a rough conversation for her, but if she doesnt budge it might be time to realize that you need to move on. I hope this helps. Good luck.

[Member]

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